81 Predictions for 81 Jazz Games

November 1st, 2013 | by Scott Stevens

Photo courtesy of Getty Images

One down. 81 to go.

After the first game of the season, we still have no idea what to expect from the youth movement. So I wanted to make some bold predictions about this Jazz team, as well as a few other things around the NBA landscape. 81 of them, to be exact.

  1. The Jazz will get their first win of the season tonight against the Suns. It comes down to two teams tanking, but the Suns still have the edge in that category.
  2. The Jazz only win 4 of their first 15 games.
  3. Trey Burke will suit up for his first official game with the Jazz on November 18th against the Warriors.
  4. Derrick Favors will make 2nd team All-Defense.
  5. Jazz will finish the season with 27 wins.
  6. Gordon Hayward will record 5 triple doubles this year.
  7. Analysts everywhere will keep predicting Tyrone Corbin getting fired, but everyone following the Utah organization closely knows that won’t happen this year.
  8. *Jerry Sloan will get a vote for coach of the year.
  9. Hayward will average 18, 5 and 5.
  10. Hayward will receive the most votes on the Jazz roster for NBA’s Most Improved Player.
  11. Hayward’s 3 point percentage will drop slightly from last year.
  12. But Hayward’s total number of 3 point makes will go up.
  13. Favors will finish top 10 in rebounds and blocks.
  14. Rudy Gobert will lead all rookies in blocks.
  15. New Jazz jumbotron will face technical difficulties early in the season.
  16. Trey Burke will lead all rookies in assists.
  17. Jazz will finish in bottom 10 in FT% and 3PT%.
  18. Jazz will finish 13th in the west, ahead of only PHX and SAC.
  19. *Matt Harpring gets fired.
  20. Portland will offer Hayward a max contract next off-season (OK, not Portland, but some team will).
  21. Hayward gets ejected for the first time.
  22. John Lucas III will continue to shoot as if he had the green light.
  23. Favors will lead the team in rebounds and blocks.
  24. Hayward will lead the team in scoring.
  25. Hayward also will lead the team in assists until the last few months of the season when Burke will finally edge him out.
  26. Andris Biedrins will make less than 10 free throws this year.
  27. The longest win streak for the Jazz will be four games.
  28. Favors will foul out in 15+ games.
  29. *Jamaal Tinsley will pull a Ron Artest and officially changes his name to “Mel Mel the Abuser“.
  30. The Jazz will lose another starter to injury for at least 15 games this season.
  31. Richard Jefferson will have a higher 3PT% than Hayward.
  32. Jazz will suffer at least three 5-game losing streaks.
  33. One streak will be 10+ losses.
  34. Jeremy Evans will not be invited back to the Dunk Contest.
  35. Both Hayward and Favors will get votes for the All-Star team, but neither make it.
  36. Ian Clark becomes the next fan benefactor of the #FreeJazzPlayer campaign.
  37. Enes Kanter will make at least one three pointer.
  38. Bolerjack will mention Gobert’s wingspan on every broadcast.
  39. Kanter’s name will be pronounced as “Katner” by Charles Barkley and/or Jalen Rose.
  40. Burke and Burks’ names will become unofficially interchangeable by seasons end.
  41. Alec Burks is named Subway Sub of the Game more than any other player, but never cracks the starting lineup on a consistent basis.
  42. Burke will be the only Jazz participant in All-Star weekend during the Rookie/Sophomore game.
  43. Kanter will average more points than Favors.
  44. *Jerry Sloan and Karl Malone will each get a technical from the second row behind the bench this year.
  45. Jimmer won’t get traded to the Jazz. Not this season. Not ever.
  46. Jimmer will finish another season stuck at the far end of the Kings bench.
  47. The most used words for Jazz fans this year will be “Tanking” and “Potential.”
  48. Jerry Sloan’s name will be in the mix for head coaching jobs around the league, including the Jazz.
  49. Marvin Williams and Brandon Rush will return before Christmas.
  50. Burke will make a strong, late push for ROY but ultimately fall short to Michael Carter-Williams.
  51. Brandon Rush will play only one season in Utah.
  52. Tinsley will edge out Lucas III for the backup spot once Burke returns.
  53. Burks will make more SportsCenter Top 10’s than any other Jazz player.
  54. Marvin Williams will have his highest scoring year in a Jazz uniform.
  55. Corbin will receive more technical fouls than all the players combined.
  56. Tinsley will have the lowest 3PT% on the team (min. 15 attempts).
  57. Utah will continue to struggle to close out quarters. Especially the 4th.
  58. Burks will lead the team in FTA.
  59. Only Hayward and Burks will score more than 30 points in a game this year.
  60. Jazz won’t land Wiggins.
  61. Jeremy Evans will still struggle to find minutes.
  62. Dennis Lindsey will largely keep the Jazz out of trade rumors.
  63. Burke will face fatigue adjusting to the length of the NBA season after February/March.
  64. Corbin will last one more year with the Jazz after this one.
  65. Jazz will get the 7th pick in the draft, but will trade up to 4th.
  66. Mo Williams will score the most points against the Jazz of any former Jazzman.
  67. The Heat will lose at ESA.
  68. The #1 pick won’t go to any of the bottom 3 teams.
  69. The NBA will set an all-time record for free throws in the first two weeks of the season as a result of delay of game violations.
  70. David Stern will not be missed.
  71. At least one more NBA All-Star will suffer a season-ending ACL injury.
  72. Kobe won’t play until 2014.
  73. Lakers will miss the playoffs
  74. Chris Paul will slightly nudge out Lebron for most commercial appearances.
  75. Phoenix will finish the season with the worst record in the NBA.
  76. But Phoenix will not win the Wiggins lottery.
  77. The Spurs will finish 1st in west, followed by LAC, OKC, HOU, GSW, MEM, NOP, and DEN.
  78. Durant will win his first MVP, not because he’s the best player, but because of voter fatigue for Lebron.
  79. DeMarcus Cousins will lead the league in technical fouls.
  80. The Heat win 3rd straight title.
  81. Complete madness ensues heading into 2014 free agency and draft class.

* = Not likely to happen. But worth consideration anyway.

Scott Stevens

A voice of the everyday Jazz fan. Scott works as a creative writer at an advertising agency in Los Angeles. Sticking it to Laker fans every chance he gets. A former "Jazz Rowdy" and avid interneter with production and writing experience on global sports brands. He has lived everywhere from Texas to DC, and all the way to Thailand. He now happens to live on a boat.

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6 Comments

  1. Caderade24 says:

    So, who do the Jazz end up drafting with the #4 pick? Does it rhyme with Safari Marker?

  2. Tyler Cravens says:

    you forgot one. Raul Neto will come back to Utah at the end of his spain career and will be the future point of the jazz franchise.

  3. Andy Morgan says:

    These should be called 81 Predictions I Pulled Out of My Ass. Honestly.

  4. Chris England says:

    I hate Matt Harprings commentary! Worst commentary in the league…and to make up for it he tries to rip on Boler all game.

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