Jimbo Mailbag – Could Patrick Christopher be an All-Star?

Patrick Christopher, in his only horizontally-oriented Jazz photo. (Photo by Melissa Majchrzak/NBAE via Getty Images)

Welcome to the next edition of Jimbo’s Mailbag! At Salt City Hoops, we know that covering a losing team without any humor can be dreary. As such, we decided to add a little bit more levity to our site via Jimbo’s unique outlook on the world of Jazz basketball. Jimbo, by virtue of being recently featured in the Deseret News, is now the world’s most famous Utah-based basketball mailbag artist. Interested in submitting a question to Jimbo’s mailbag? Email it to Jimbo at mailbag@saltcityhoops.com or tweet @JimboRudding to appear.

Q: How awesome is it that you get to be the Jimbo Mailbag guy?

@JimboRudding

Thanks for the question, Jimbo! It IS awesome. It is pretty cool to see who out there “gets” me enough to continue reading this thing. I know I can be a little off the wall sometimes, but…so was Michael Jackson. In fact, he even named one of his albums “Off the Wall” and look where he is today! Actually, don’t look. Better yet, ignore all of that.

I just wanted to say thanks to everyone for sending in your questions and for reading the mailbag every week. Hopefully 2015 will be full of laughs and Jazz wins and a Jimbo halftime show and a Jazz championship. If it isn’t full of those things, then maybe we should all take some time for self-reflection.

Seriously though, thank you everyone.

Q: Can you explain how Pitbull is famous, because I still don’t understand?

@monilogue

I’m actually excited about his fame. I think he will bring alopecia awareness to new levels.

The way I explain his fame is simple—he can talk rhythmically in a very pleasant and somewhat appealing way. Some of the other reasons he is famous include:

• There are millions of humans who are younger than I am and they deserve to enjoy life.
• I am a middle-aged man, but that doesn’t mean my life is over.
• I don’t like loud sounds, but a lot of people do.
• Not every musical artist is as enjoyable as Barry Manilow and I have to be okay with that.
• Some youths enjoy those crazy grindin’ club sounds, and they’re not necessarily bad people.

My therapist says it isn’t healthy to expect all people to like the things I like and do the things I do. Trust me, I expected this of pretty much my whole middle school. In my defense though, Bon Jovi was SO underrated as a musician at the time and all those metal-head stoners needed some culture.

Q: How are you going to celebrate when Jimmer actually gives you that elusive RT?

@bjspack

I have a feeling that the RT is coming any day. Could be, who knows. Listen to me! I sound like the white guy on West Side Story. You know, the one who only cares about working at the soda fountain and singing love songs in an extremely dark and damp alley. Not the blonde one in the brown corduroys, the one with the black hair and big teeth who…never mind.

Ever since Jody Genessy’s article a couple weeks ago, I can almost taste the Jimmer RT like it’s one of those delicious BBQ Bacon Blue burgers that you can only get at the Smokehouse on Center Street in Orem (since I mentioned this I get a free t-shirt).

Just like people make bucket lists, I too have made a list of things that I will do when Jimmer retweets me. Here, for the first time ever on the interwebs, is some of my “JIMMER RT’d ME!” list:

• I will FINALLY wash the left side of my body.
• I will call up my #1 best friend Shawn and tell him he is now my #2 best friend.
• I will eat another one of those delicious BBQ Bacon Blue burgers that you can only get at the Smokehouse on Center Street in Orem (t-shirt!).
• I will tweet him and thank him for his patience.
• I will stop whipping my own back at night.
• I will call my ex-girlfriends to let them know what they gave up.
• I will post all my old home movies of me doing the electric slide in front of my extended family.
• I will go to Applebee’s and this time I will order an appetizer.
• I will donate some of my Coke Rewards points to charity.
• The color will return to my face and I will finally feel alive again.

Jimmer is a saint for not blocking me and also for putting up with this nonsense.

Q: What do you think of Patrick Christopher so far? Any chance he could be an All-Star this year?

– @Mikeyvp

Great question! The first time I saw him come into a game, I said, “Wait, isn’t that the ‘SHOW ME THE MONEY’ guy?” But then my grandma was all, “No, you’re thinking of Cuba Goulding Juniors.” Well, being corrected like that during a Jazz game is NEVER a good thing. It got me pretty riled up and things escalated into a shouting match and grandma came after me with a VERY heavy three-hole punch. Luckily, grandpa was there to hold her back and tell her to count to ten.

After the Jazz shut down Alec Burks for the season, Coach Snyder began giving Christopher some minutes to see what he can do. What I like most about him so far is that he isn’t timid at all on offense. If he’s open, he will most-likely take a shot. Hopefully his defense will come around and we can all enjoy watching him light it up for the West in the 2014-2015 All-Star Game.

Q: Can you prove you are really not the Jazz Bear? You walked by me once and you smelled just like a sweaty forest dweller.

@JimmerFrodette

Besides having a GREAT Twitter handle, it looks like you have also had the pleasure of being in my presence when I smelled like a sweaty forest dweller. The reason that is amazing is because I have only smelled like that four times in my life, so you had to be around me during one of the following three experiences:

1. I was on a nine-hour bus ride from San Bernardino to Redding, California. I remember it because there was this hispanic lady on the bus who couldn’t stop vomiting out the window and was pleading with the passengers to “make it stop.” Along with the vomiting lady, there were also a group of gypsies. I had never met a gypsy before and so I struck up a conversation and before I knew it, I was holding some of their luggage on my lap and sharing their Chex Mix. When I got to Redding, the forest dweller smell was VERY strong. Were you on that bus?
2. Another time was at scout camp back in 1992. There’s no really interesting story here, I just forgot to bring more than one pair of jeans and burnt my shoes, backpack, and a little bit of my hair in the camp fire. Were you a camp counselor at that time or a member of Troop 1194?
3. The last time was when I worked at the very first Panda Express ever in Utah. I was a time in my life where I was REALLY into the Counting Crows and had dreadlocks down to my knees. My manager didn’t really mind my dreads, but he was finally forced to fire me after a few of them broke off and fell into the mushroom chicken. I ended up sleeping in my car for a week or so. Those were rough times. Did you ever work at Panda Express?

If none of this sounds familiar to you, then I’m afraid you are confusing me with someone else. Sorry.

——

Thanks for the questions!