Jimbo’s Maibag: Snubs, Synth, and I Love Gail Miller

January 28th, 2017 | by Jimbo Rudding
rudy dunk

Melissa Majchrzak via utahjazz.com

Some questions demand answers. Others demand Jimbo. Jimbo’s Mailbag is our regular dose of levity here at Salt City Hoops. Jimbo, by virtue of being recently featured in the Deseret News, is now the world’s most famous Utah-based basketball mailbag artist. You can submit questions to Jimbo at mailbag@saltcityhoops.com or by tweeting to @JimboRudding.

Q: How did Rudy Gobert not make the All-Star team? Clearly an NBA conspiracy!
@mahalkasi1

First off, congratulations to Gordon Hayward for making his first All-Star team. That’s a pretty rad deal for him and his family, but also for the franchise. We haven’t had an All-Star in Utah since… I don’t know…the tall guy who shot three-pointers pretty well? What was his name? Something Chambers? I don’t know. I just started watching the Jazz last year.

I totally agree with you that Rudy should have made the All-Star team. He pretty much leads the league in all of the defensive stats that matter. He has led the Jazz to a 30-18 record, which is good for fifth in the Western Conference. Fifth! And that’s after the Jazz just missed the playoffs last year because a D-League player fell into Rudy’s knee during practice and caused him to miss 20 games.

But no, let’s give Rudy’s All-Star spot to DeAndre Jordan since he’s big and the Clippers need to have an All-Star or it wouldn’t be fair. I mean, we should be fair about this, right? Pffffft, whatever, NBA.

Who cares though, right? Defense has no place in the All-Star game anyway. I probably haven’t watched an All-Star game in close to a decade, mostly because I’m not the type of fan who cares about alley-oop dunks and tomahawk slams and boom shakalakas. Just give me five guys who love to pass and find the open man for a layup. Teamwork and team cohesion is what I enjoy most. I guess what I’m saying is, I’m 87 years old.

 

Q: If Boris Diaw was in an 80s synth rock band, which band would it be? Devo, Men at Work, Depeche Mode or Duran Duran?
@BeardedMangus

This is a hard question to answer because Boris could go so many ways, musically speaking. He looks like a guy who would enjoy a nice, smooth jazz club (no pun intended), then go right out to his car and blast some Def Leopard, and then when he gets home, tell his Amazon Alexa to play his Coolio playlist. He’s a mixed bag. He’s mysterious. That’s why he’s so lovable.

He just has inclusive personality traits and I really accept and appreciate that. For example, it’s not hard to imagine him practicing his piccolo in the basement, but also playing keytar to The Cure’s “Boys Don’t Cry” in his attic. In fact, I just got done imagining it and immediately remembered that I need to buy hair spray and sunscreen at the store tomorrow. Whew, that was weird.

I also like to imagine him shrugging his shoulders as he lip sync’s to Men at Work’s “Who Can It Be Now?” ……aaaaaaand right after I imagined THAT, I dozed off and had one of those mini-dreams where I’m naked at school. The only thing is, I wasn’t really naked. I just APPEARED to be naked from a distance because I was wearing an all-beige outfit and it matched my skin tone exactly.

But back to your question— ugh… you may have given me too many options here. I guess I’ll go with Men at Work. Boris seems like he’d fit in with those guys better than the other bands. He would’ve also probably written a killer song about sitting on a balcony and just taking it all in while enjoying a nice cup of coffee and some Fruit by the Foot.

 

Q: Did Gail make the All-Star game?
@jboz92

Sadly, no. But don’t worry, she’s always captain of the “People I’d LOVE to Have Brunch With” All-Star team.

I love Gail even though I’ve never even met her and have no idea if she’d love me back. I don’t care though. She just has a pleasant aura about her that I wish more people had. She’s just so great. I wish I could call her.

She often has this look on her face like she has an exciting secret and she can’t wait to tell you. However, she also sometimes has that look like she needs to tell you something that you’re not going to be happy about. Like, maybe that your uncle had an allergic reaction after eating some Twizzlers at the movie theater and it caused his tongue to swell up to three times its normal size and the doctors are saying it could be permanent.

She also looks like she’d be an awesome grandma. One who would let you stay up late and watch “Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom” and not be upset when the part where the guy pulls the heart out of that other guy’s chest scares you so bad that you accidentally pee on the nice recliner.

She also looks like if she met you on the street, she’d be fine with stopping to chat and would even listen to all the reasons you can’t stand your aunt because she’s always telling you that when you wear your beige outfits, they make you look like you’re naked from a distance.

So those are just a few of the reasons I love Gail.

Oh, and she also looks like she knows every single Richard Marx song by heart.

 

Q: Just simply explain what a legacy trust is please.
@MitchHenline

I’d be glad to:

Think of a legacy trust as a box. Like, a giant box that is big enough to fit the whole Vinavent HomeSmart arena inside, and also all the Jazz employees and Jazz fans.

OK, are you thinking about that? Good…

Now imagine that Gail is carrying that box on her back and she is struggling to get it to where she needs to go, which is her lawyer’s office. So, she finally gets it to the lawyer’s office and Siegfried and Jensen both come out and tell her that she can’t bring the box inside their office because it’s too big. So she takes it to Robert J. Debry and associates, but one of their associates gives her the heebie-jeebies because he’s sucking on a ring pop and won’t stop staring at her. So, she takes it to Craig Swapp (the “One call, that’s all” guy) and has to ring a bell at the front desk because the receptionist is on break and no one else is manning the front. “More like ‘infinity calls, that’s all,’” she thinks.

OK, are you with me? She’s at the lawyers, right? OK, good, you’re doin’ great!

Now, imagine Mr. Swapp finally hears the bell he comes out and she tells him that she wants to give this giant box to the state of Utah as a birthday present. But then the lawyers say it’s too early for a birthday present because Utah’s birthday is in July.

Now, imagine that Gail feels really dumb because she didn’t remember that, but she charges through her embarrassment like the confident, graceful woman that she is and continues to explain what she wants to have happen. She tells them that the state of Utah can have the Jazz now. She’s done with them. She can’t handle the stress and pressure that comes with owning an NBA franchise and she’s also irritated that Gobert and Derrick Favors don’t close more games on the floor together.

OK, still with me? Good. Now, to wrap it all up…

Now, imagine the lawyers accept the job of giving the Jazz to the state of Utah as a birthday present. Then the lawyers get to work, pretending to spend hundreds of hours on it so that they can charge Gail ridiculous amounts of money, when in reality it only takes them about 45 minutes to find a “legacy trust” document on the internet that is pretty close to what they need and then they add “Utah Jazz” and “Gail Miller” in a few key areas.

OK, did you get all that? Good. THAT is a legacy trust.

 

Q: Please start making jokes about Enes Kanter punching a chair and breaking his arm. K thx. 
@KailanWhitaker

I HATE seeing players get hurt, even when they go and do something stupid like slamming their forearm on a padded chair.

Actually… I take that back. I wouldn’t mind seeing Draymond Green get a tiny bit hurt. Not badly, just like maybe burn his face a little while trying to start his barbecue and then falling off his deck onto an ant hill.

Or maybe he could accidentally swallow an ice cube? That can hurt sometimes.

Or maybe he could stub his toe on his bed frame and fall into an easel small shelf holding his acrylic paints.

Or maybe he could hit his shin on a shopping cart at the grocery store and then while holding it and hopping on one foot, step into a wet spot on the floor and slip and fall into a creamed corn display.

Or maybe he could hit his funny bone really hard and have a bunch of people immediately ask, “Are you OK? Was that your funny bone?”

Any of those would be fine.

 


Thanks for the questions this week, you guys! Remember to tell all the people at your Super Bowl party about Jimbo’s Mailbag. After you tell them about it, refer to the baby carrots as “bunny eggs” for the rest of the night. Make it weird.

Jimbo Rudding

Jimbo Rudding

I am a typical Jazz fan. I think Jordan pushed off, Derek Fisher lied, Bavetta cost us at least one game in the Finals, we should have drafted Tony Parker instead of Raul Lopez, and there will never be anything better than the Stockton to Malone days. I, along with Spencer Campbell @SCampbellSBN, started the first and longest-running Utah Jazz podcast on earth. I enjoy the in-of-doors and telling people a better way of doing whatever it is they're currently doing.
Jimbo Rudding

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