Welcome to the next edition of Jimbo’s Mailbag, our regular dose of levity here at Salt City Hoops. In each mailbag, Jimbo answers your burning questions with his unique outlook on Jazz basketball. Jimbo, by virtue of being recently featured in the Deseret News, is now the world’s most famous Utah-based basketball mailbag artist. Interested in submitting a question to Jimbo’s mailbag? Email it to Jimbo at firstname.lastname@example.org or tweet @JimboRudding to appear.
Q: Can your advanced Jimbolytics predict the rest of the season’s injuries? Might as well resign ourselves to reality.
I know what you mean. Injuries are so frustrating, especially when you know how good we could be if healthy. But don’t get down. Chin up little fella. This is the dawn of a new season. So what if we’re only one game in and there are already three guys hurt. Look at the bright side: at least they didn’t lose a limb in a roller coaster accident. At least no one needs a lung transplant. At least the Jazz know they can always contact me if they need another shooter. (I once hit four three-pointers in a pick-up game at the rec center. It was back in 2003, but it was still pretty cool. A couple of elderly women walking laps even said it was a “hecka-sick” game.)
I don’t like to predict injuries, but I would guess that Favors will have a stretch of games that he will miss because of something or other, just like last year. There will most likely be a few turned ankles and gastrointestinal distress (can’t stop pooping) as well. Besides the occasional missed game due to someone’s grandmother dying, that should be it.
But if you’re worried about one of those really bad injuries like Exum’s knee, you can forget about that. I cooked up a quick potion at home and spread it on the hands, knees, and feet of a few of the mannequins at the arena Fanzz just before they closed. Believe me, the Jazz will be the healthiest team in the league this season.
Q: Crown Burger creates the Biedrins Burger in honor of Andris’ 9 months with the Jazz. What do they put on it?
Let me just put a quick plug in here for Crown Burger. You really gotta hand it to ‘em. They’ve been a Utah staple for decades. If you ever walk in there before a Jazz game, it’s like organized chaos. It’s like watching 1,000 bees making honey in a hive. And we the customers are all beekeepers just trying to get some deep-fried honey. And the queen bee is the owner Mark H. Crown and he’s in the back office counting his honey.
Now, back to your question–if Crown Burger was ever to come out with a “Biedrins Burger,” the description on the menu would probably go something like this:
Topped with fresh hair gel, a couple of cigarette butts, and a TON of crisp dollar bills, this burger is guaranteed to leave you unsatisfied! Mixed with a fresh combination of apathy and sadness, our signature Out-of-Shape sauce is added for that extra yummm!
I drooled all over my keyboard just writing that.
Q: If you ever decide to learn anything about basketball, would you find out why coaches don’t suit up in uniforms like in MLB?
That’s a good question. It’s gotta be pretty hot in those suits that NBA coaches wear. Plus, coaches just spend the game pacing back and forth along the bench and then occasionally standing up or sitting down, and doing so very angrily might I add.
As for me, I’m kind of glad coaches don’t wear the basketball uniforms during games. I mean, Quin Snyder wouldn’t be too bad to look at, but can you imagine what Stan Van Gundy‘s legs look like? It’d probably be Varicose City, population 7,000. Or what if Terry Stotts leaned over too far and we accidentally saw a nipple? No one wants to see that while watching basketball.
That would be my guess as to why the NBA requires coaches to dress in suits during games. Although, what do I know? I just learned that dribbling the ball with two hands is a no-no.
Q: Word on the street is the Jazz are having a Jimbo’s Mailbag reader’s appreciation night. Is this happening? Which Arby’s? Should I bring coupons?
I’ve heard these rumors too. It’s a little embarrassing. I mean, yeah, Jimbo’s Mailbag is the most-read Jazz mailbag written by a guy named “Jimbo” since the dawn of time, but maybe we shouldn’t make it THAT big of a deal…or maybe we SHOULD?! Let’s party!
The appreciation night party is going to be November 32st at 4:30 a.m. at the Arby’s in downtown Salt Lake. (Not the one that the health department had to shut down for a month because they found a dead bird in the oven. It’s the one where the lady claimed she found a clump of hair in her Chicken Bacon Swiss.)
You shouldn’t need coupons. The food is free if you tell them you are friends with Jimbo and you show them an “OK” magic trick.
Q: What would you do if the Jazz were so awesome this year that during one of their games a time portal opened up and you were sent back to 1997-1998?
Amazing question, Mikey!
What would I do? What WOULDN’T I do??? (Actually, I don’t know why I just said that. There are a bunch of things I wouldn’t do, probably. I’m guessing that I’d be under a time crunch because as we all know, time portals don’t stay open forever. For instance, I wouldn’t go to a Sizzler. We have those here in good ol’ 2016.)
Here’s a list of things I would do:
Q: Are we gonna get a win tonight?
Are we??? Yes. Yes we are. And you can take that to the bank. Just don’t take that to a casino or online sports betting site.
Thanks for the questions, you guys! Remember to tell the cashier at the gas station about Jimbo’s Mailbag. Kiss your debit card before you swipe it. Make it weird.