Welcome to the next edition of Jimbo’s Mailbag! At Salt City Hoops, we know that covering a team without any humor can be dreary. As such, we decided to add a little bit more levity to our site via Jimbo’s unique outlook on the world of Jazz basketball. Jimbo, by virtue of being recently featured in the Deseret News, is now the world’s most famous Utah-based basketball mailbag artist. Interested in submitting a question to Jimbo’s mailbag? Email it to Jimbo at email@example.com or tweet @JimboRudding to appear.
Q: When Trey Burke is inevitably traded, does he pay Bailey’s to help him move or Andris Beidrins who could REALLY use the money?
Good question! I, like you, believe that the Jazz will part ways with Trey Burke, whether that be by trade or release. When that happens, Bailey’s Moving and Storage will definitely be in the mix as his moving company.
As far as Andris Biedrins goes—I’m a little worried about him. I know he could use some money because I’ve seen him around town lately and every time I do he’s wearing the same outfit—a gray golf shirt and blue cargo shorts with some small game (rabbits, squirrels, etc.) as his cargo. Also, every time I see him he’s always got this confused look on his face. Like he’s trying to figure out why Shopko is still in business or something.
Q: With seven point guards at our disposal, will we be the first NBA team to put out an all-point guard lineup? Who will start?
I covered this in last week’s Jimbo’s Mailbag, but I think it merits another comment or two… or maybe it merits a story about how my neighbor made a zip line from his bedroom window to his deck? Continue reading to find out.
Seven point guards is a little abnormal, considering the Jazz usually only have three on their regular season roster. Maybe this is the year that changes though? The consensus around the league seems to be that the center position isn’t as important as it once was. So, maybe the Jazz use one of their big man spots for another point guard?
I continue to believe that since George Hill can play the 2-guard, the Jazz will start the season with four point guards (Hill, Exum, Mack, Neto). However, you also have to take into account that I don’t know a whole lot about basketball and just barely found out where the term “alley-oop” comes from. I couldn’t stop gagging after finding out. In fact, I just gagged again.
Back to the zip line story—it was a pretty awesome idea. I mean, when you’re a kid, getting from your bedroom to the deck quickly CAN be a big concern. My friend Ben decided it was time to cut that bedroom-to-deck time down at least 15-20 seconds. He wasn’t ever officially timed because none of us owned a stop watch and we all agreed that counting by the “1-Mississippi, 2-Mississippi” method wasn’t as accurate enough.
Anyway, long story short, he built the zip line and it worked pretty well until Ben’s older brother Steve and his friends tried it and broke the railing on the deck and Ben’s dad got really upset and made us all go home. We were pretty mad, but Steve was big and mean and one of his friends had given himself a tattoo on his shoulder using a paperclip and the ink from a ballpoint pen, so what were we going to do about it? Nothing.
Q: When can I expect to get the announcement that Kevin Durant signed with the Jazz? A couple of days or July 1st?
I’m told that Durant took his kids to the mall on Thursday and they were terrors, and so he wanted to just chill, get lots of rest, and then have a proper sit-down meeting in the morning.
I’m guessing he’ll want to wrap up all the negotiations sometime before the July 4th holiday so that he and his family can enjoy the Stadium of Fire without worrying about if he has enough money to get nachos AND a glow-in-the-dark necklace.
Q: Boozer making a comeback? Would love him as a mentor/backup player. Any smart comments Mr. Rudding? What’s the worst that’d happen?
Carlos Boozer… where to begin?
Yeah, I’d say that there is pretty much no way in Hades that Carlos Boozer puts on a Jazz uniform ever again. Don’t get me wrong, Carlos Boozer is a nice guy, but you also have to take into account the fact that he probably isn’t. He just seems like one of those hot tub salesman who bully you into buying a higher end hot tub when you know for a fact your budget won’t allow for that.
Here are the top 10 reasons why the Jazz would never sign Carlos Boozer:
Those are probably enough reasons the Jazz would pass on a Boozer reunion. I mean, I loved his 35 point, 14 rebound performance against the Rockets in Game 7 of the 2007 playoffs just as much as the next guy. However, there comes I time when we all have to suck it up and move on. The Jazz and Carlos just aren’t going to work. She doesn’t like you, Carlos. Sure she let you hold her hand at the movies and she broke down one night and told you that dark secret about her webbed toes, but we all have our secrets Carlos. That doesn’t necessarily mean she wants a long-term commitment. I mean, even if she knows you don’t care about her webs, it still doesn’t mean she wants to be with you. She has taller, better-looking options, Carlos! Why can’t you see that?!?!
…Wow…sorry about that. Looks like I have some issues of my own that still need a good sort through.
Q: Kevin Durant is reportedly not meeting with the Jazz. Obviously this is a ruse. When and where will the Durant/Lindsey meeting take place?
I have it on good authority that the Jazz and Durant are going to meet at high noon in the larger birthday party room at the Golden Corral in West Valley on July 2nd. He wanted to meet at the Golden Corral because apparently Saturdays is when the Corral gets their food shipments in and the lasagna is the freshest.
Q: How does it feel to be a much sought after Dave Matthews cover band drummer fronting as a Jazz expert?
Feels fine. The drum pattern in Two Step is a little tricky. Plus, I’m a little hungry, but overall I feel fine.
Q: Can you do a “Where are they now” on John Crotty?
You bet! Great idea by the way. We should all look up our former Jazz idols from time to time and make sure they have food, clothes, and shelter. It’s the least we can do, really… except for Jim Les. Don’t look him up. No one cares how he’s doing. He’s the worst!
John Crotty is enjoying retirement living in his Appalachian cabin in scenic southwest Virginia with his wife and six dogs. Since retiring from the NBA, he does speaking engagements where he speaks to engaged couples right before they’re about to get engaged. In his speeches he instructs each couple how to handle family finances, using appropriate terms of endearment in public, and how to forgive for all the times he thought it’d be a good idea to jump off the roof while holding onto the patio furniture umbrella.
He doesn’t earn much money as an engagement speaker, so he spends his other time as a secret shopper for random Chinese buffets around town. Basically his job description includes wandering around the warming lamps and eavesdropping on people’s conversations and then informing management if something bad was said about the food. He enjoys being a secret shopper, but sometimes he takes all the bad comments too seriously. For example, his second week on the job he spent an hour and a half sobbing in the bathroom because someone said the Kung Pao looked old.
He loves the outdoors and recently took up kayaking simply because he wanted to find out where the legs go.
So, the Crotster’s doing well.
Thanks for the questions, you guys! Sorry if I didn’t get to yours this week. I’ll save it for next week.
Remember to tell your dental hygienist about Jimbo’s mailbag. Tell him/her while smoothing out your eyebrows with both of your pinkies and promising to brush especially hard on three-day weekends. Make it weird.
Let’s get this sucker going viral!