Jimbo’s Mailbag: The DL Bandwagon, 50 for Mitchell, & More

November 18th, 2017 | by Jimbo Rudding

Melissa Majchrzak via utahjazz.com

The Jazz may be slumping, but Jimbo Rudding is still bringing it. Jimbo is our resident mailbag artist, providing a regular dose of levity here at Salt City Hoops. He does it by answering the burning questions to which Jazz fans just must have answers. You can submit questions to Jimbo at mailbag@saltcityhoops.com or by tweeting to @JimboRudding.

Q: Finish this sentence: It is OK to dive sideways when _____________.


You’re at the pool and you just yelled, “MOM, WATCH MY NEW SIDEWAYS DIVE!”

That’s literally the only time diving sideways makes sense. It certainly doesn’t make sense in a professional basketball game.

I want to go on record and say that I don’t know if Dion Waiters was intentionally trying to hurt Rudy Gobert, but I WILL go on record and say that Waiters wasn’t making a basketball play when he tumbled sideways into the Jazz center’s legs. In fact, I have no idea what he was trying to do. It surely wasn’t going after the ball.

So, was it a dirty play? Yes!

Is Dion Waiters a dirty player? Also, yes.

Are there a lot of dirty players? Probably.

Do I enjoy asking myself questions in an effort to sound smart when I answer them? Undoubtedly so.


Q: The Celtics are 13-1 without Hayward and 0-1 with him. You think they would consider offloading his contract with a first round pick in exchange for Hood and Rubio?


I’d do it. Not only for the fact that Hayward is good at basketball, but also because we’d have him for the next four years and he wouldn’t have a say in it. Sounds like a good way to get him back for the crap he put us all through last summer.

The best part about the trade would be the “Thank you, Gordon” post the Celtics would release in the Player’s Tribune.


Q: Where can you purchase a Row A ticket to any home Utah Jazz game for less than $1,000 each? They never seem to have any at the box office.


I know exactly what you’re saying. I don’t know how many times I’ve approached the box office and said, “Give me your finest seats for tonight’s game, please! And hurry it up, I haven’t got all day!” and then they check and tell me that the closest they have is row 1, which is really row 6.

Actually, none of that’s true. The closest I’ve ever sat at a Jazz game was the fifth row behind the basket. It was towards the end of a really bad season and the scalper seemed desperate to get rid of them. Even though the Jazz lost that game pretty badly, I loved every minute and heckled the crap out of Brian Cardinal.

So, my suggestion would be to ask a scalper. If that doesn’t work, try getting in touch with Ryan Seacrest. He sat court-side once when he was dating the blonde dancing girl.


Q: Why are Jazz fans still on the DL bandwagon?


Wait, do you mean Dennis Lindsey? I guess you could mean Devin Lancaster, the guy who beat me up in the sixth grade for calling him a “fat lard” in front of a bunch of girls. However, I’m pretty sure Devin moved to Arizona in the eighth grade after his parents divorced, and I don’t think Jazz fans would care much about him even if he hadn’t moved, so I’m going to proceed with answering this question assuming you mean Dennis Lindsey.

Lets review what “DL” (Dennis Lindsey) has done for the Jazz in his short time with the Jazz:

  1. Traded for no. 27 draft pick Rudy Gobert. In case you missed it, that was no. 27 and now he’s the best center in the league (when dirty players aren’t diving into his knees).
  2. Drafted Rodney Hood at no. 23 in the draft. Rodney isn’t a superstar, but he sometimes transforms into Rodney Hood: Prince of Threes.
  3. Traded for George Hill. Putting the toe debacle and not playing much of the playoffs aside, I’d say that trade worked well last year.
  4. Signed Joe Johnson when most players, let alone former all stars, don’t want to come to Utah.
  5. Traded Trey Lyles to move up for Donovan Mitchell, who is a potential cornerstone player.
  6. Chatted with some friends and I at a summer league game after probably the worst day of his career. Seriously, the ink on Hayward’s “Thank you, Utah” article wasn’t even dry yet and he was out shaking hands and thanking us for the support. If that doesn’t scream keeper, I don’t know what does.

I know what you’re saying—what about Trey Burke? Trey Lyles? Jim Les? Well, while I agree the Treys were… not good and Jim Les is the WORST, but you have to understand that every GM in the league misses somewhere. Giannis was picked late. The Bucks gave Greg Monroe big money. Heck, Jahlil Okafor was drafted third overall! Some people make mistakes and some people are just lucky. Let’s hope DL continues to be lucky.

The alternative I guess would be to go back to Kevin “No Comment” O’Connor. Would you like to do that? You want to try some other recycled old man whose been in the league since tube socks were cool? I guarantee you, no matter how bad it gets this season, you still want to be on the DL bandwagon. I say that because… I drive the bandwagon. And there’s PLENTY of room!


Q: If you were to make a list of all-time Jazz announcers, first of course being Mr. Ron Boone, who would come in second?


Great question Kel-Bell! First off, do I think Boone is the all-time greatest Jazz announcer? It certainly does!!! Second, do I like asking myself questions and then answering them? Also, it certainly does!

If I HAD to rank Utah Jazz announcers, these would be my top ten:

  1. Ron Boone
  2. Hot Rod Hundley
  3. Matt Harpring
  4. Gary Grompff
  5. Craig Bolerjack
  6. Greg Bolerjack
  7. Jason “Scuttlebutt” Charttergrath
  8. The older gentleman with alopecia
  9. Chester Copperpot
  10. One of the laughing tigers from The Lion King

I think the Jazz should build statues for every single one of these fine fellows. If they don’t by the year 2020, I will create paper mache busts and place them inside the arena somewhere while security has their backs turned. It’s the least I could do to say thanks from all of us Jazz fans.


Q: Why don’t we bring Stockton out of retirement? How many games into his career will Mitchell score 50? Are our yellow jerseys lucky? Unloading Burks will cost us how many gummy bears?


Wow! Thank you for all those questions, Mr. 90! Let me address them one at a time.

Why don’t we bring Stockton out of retirement? Because, even though we don’t want him to be, he’s old now. I know, it sucks, but we have to accept reality and be strong for the children.

How many games into his career will Mitchell score 50? I really think he could hit 40 this year; maybe 50 by the middle of next season. He has the green light to pretty much take any shot he wants. That, mixed with unbridled confidence and perhaps a little naiveté, is really all you need to score big in the NBA. Plus, the talent and skill and whatnot.

I just hope he does it in a win. To me, it’s not that impressive if he does it and the team loses.

Are our yellow jerseys lucky? They better be because our other ones don’t seem to be. If they aren’t, I guarantee the Arches National Park ones coming out in December will be lucky for sure.

Unloading Burks will cost us how many gummy bears? Probably at least three. I just can’t see any team taking Burks in a trade. Unfortunately, he just isn’t good enough at basketball and that’s a definite must if you want value in return.


Q: Remember the old Ronnie Brewer chocolate milk commercial? Who’s next?


DO I??? Yes, I DO remember that! That commercial made me so thirsty every time I saw it. It was like they were tricking my mind into wanting a tall, cool glass of chocolate mi– great, now I want another one. BRB.

I was a fan of Brewer. He just went out there and played hard, left it all on the court, kept his mouth shut, did his job, had a high basketball IQ, did what needed to be done, let the game come to him, got after it, and gave 110 percent. The most impressive part is that he did it all while playing with a deformed elbow.

I wish I could go back in time and save him from breaking his arm in that water slide accident. Everyone at the water park would’ve been grateful, I’m sure. I mean, they probably also would’ve been weirded out by the time portal opening up and a guy in jean cutoffs hopping out and catching a falling young boy in his arms. Then they probably would’ve also thought it weird when the stranger handed him back to his mom and whispered, “Stay away from Kevin Spacey.”

It would’ve been totally worth it to see Ronnie shoot straight, though.


Q: If the Jazz have trouble scoring, why not speed up the pace on offense and still strangle on D?


I get the feeling that’s what they’re trying to do. The D part is working out fine, but pace is still pretty slow. I don’t really know what to do about it either. I mean, other than mail a case of Pace Picante Sauce to Quin so that he doesn’t forget about trying to speed up the team.


Q: Why are people who play tic tac toe on the court during timeouts so terrible at the game?


RIGHT?!?! And how come every guy they get to do the “lay-up/free throw/three pointer/half court shot in 30 seconds” thing shoots like an orangutan would if given a basketball? I’ve asked myself this question many times and the conclusion I always come to is sometimes there just aren’t easy answers to life’s most important questions.


Q: If a train leaves Chicago going south 67 miles per hour and a train leaves Houston going north at 58 miles per hour, why did Dion Waiters jump into Rudy Gobert’s legs unnecessarily? Please show your work.


If you add the speeds together, they equal 125 and that is the same amount of times I wanted to punch Dion Waiters in the face after his dirty play. I’m not great at math, though.


Q: If you put Dion Waiters, Derek Fisher, and Gordon Hayward in the same room and not let them leave until they win a lying contest, who leaves first and last?


That’s hard to say. I think we have to analyze them individually first:

Derek Fisher definitely has the most lies of any of them, but he’s still a great husband… I mean, he’s still a great father… I mean, he’s still stone cold sober…

Dion Waiters has the most recent lie, but they are the most dirty lies.

Hayward only has the one lie, but it was to three teams so that he could finish writing his Player’s Tribune post.

After thinking about it for at least 30 seconds, I would say they all lie… I mean, they all TIE.


Q: Why does orange juice without pulp exist?


Because drinking orange juice WITH pulp is like drinking the guts of the orange? I’m not really an orange juice guy. I’d rather drink some Sunny D or even the purple stuff.


Q: Will the Jazz offense look smoother if they play smooth jazz during home games?



I’d be willing to try it. Heck, I’d even be willing to run onto the court and blow as hard as I could into an oboe if I thought it’d help. I mean, we have to try SOMETHING! The entire season is at stake here.

The least they could do is bring back Tina Turner’s “Simply the Best.” Because if there are sounds that will make opposing players quiver with fear, it’s Tina’s beautiful howl.


Q: Why did Derek Fisher lie to get out of three contracts?


Probably because he was listening to the devil on his left shoulder?


Thanks for submitting questions, you guys. Remember to tell all your relatives at Thanksgiving about Jimbo’s Mailbag. Maybe do it while pouring WAY too much cranberry sauce into your pant’s pocket. Make it weird.

Jimbo Rudding

Jimbo Rudding

I am a typical Jazz fan. I think Jordan pushed off, Derek Fisher lied, Bavetta cost us at least one game in the Finals, we should have drafted Tony Parker instead of Raul Lopez, and there will never be anything better than the Stockton to Malone days. I, along with Spencer Campbell @SCampbellSBN, started the first and longest-running Utah Jazz podcast on earth. I enjoy the in-of-doors and telling people a better way of doing whatever it is they're currently doing.
Jimbo Rudding

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *