Jimbo’s Mailbag – Do Bolerjack and Harpring Lie to Us?

(Photo by Tom Pennington/Getty Images)

Q: Did you see the errant pass into my nachos tonight? I was honored, but hungry since the ref wouldn’t allow cheese scraped off the ball.

@JimmerFrodette

Boler and Harpring were saying it was mustard. So, either you eat nachos with mustard or you’re calling them liars? Get your story straight, man. At least you still had your chips?

Actually, now that I think about it, you can’t always take what Boler and Harpring say as truth. They’ve been known to get things wrong from time to time even though they’re sitting right there court-side.

I don’t mind them messing up every now and then. I accept their mistakes and idiosyncrasies. It reminds me that we’re all just human beings floating in space on a giant blue, watery sphere around a humongous ball of fire. If you haven’t watched many games lately or just don’t know what I’m talking about, here are some examples to refresh your memory:

• Anytime Harpring mentions “Jazz Nation” the camera always pans to a wimpy looking guy and his girlfriend sharing nachos.
• Anytime Boler starts saying, “You know Matty, …” something crazy exciting happens in the game and he never comes back to that thought.
• Anytime Harpring compliments a player, said player will either turn the ball over, let his man score, or both.
• Anytime Harpring tries to “stump the truck,” I always picture two guys in a truck rolling their eyes and quickly Googling his question.
• 94% of the time that Bolerjack yells, “Ohhhhhhh!” it didn’t need to be yelled.
• Anytime Bolerjack starts reading text on the screen word for word, I’ve already read it and yell at the TV guys to maximize the screen again.
• Jim Les is the worst.

Like I said above, we’re all impatient jerky humans who crave instant gratification, and I am the king of those humans. And as your king, I pledge to find a way to perfect the basketball viewing experience.

Q: Correct me if mistaken. I just bought a 4K TV and it appears Trey Burke’s baby tattoo has a tattoo of Trey on its little arm.

@SpamIsDelish

Great observation and congratulations on the new TV!

I too have noticed the whole Inception thing going on with Trey’s tattoo. I actually met Trey at the DMV one time and got a good look at the tattoo. That’s when I too noticed the tattoo of Trey on the baby’s arm. However, I also noticed that it goes one more level deep. If you look really close, Trey (the Trey tattooed on the baby’s arm) has a tattoo of the Toyota logo. I read somewhere that he drives a Corolla and just really respects what Toyota does with their brand and image.

When I asked Trey about his tattoo he said that because the Toyota logo is so small, they had to use a special needle and ink. It cost a little more than Trey was expecting, but he said he saved a little each month and after eight months was able to pay cash for it.

I admire Trey’s strict adherence to a budget. He’s a great example to all the young people out there trying to responsibly manage their money. Good job, Trey!

Q: Who do you have in your Final Four?

@AS_Higgs

This year I decided to get a little creative with my brackets. I went with Texas, Texas Tech, Texas Southern, and IUPUI Texas Eastern.

Q: I’m pretty sure I saw some new guys on the Jazz Dunk Team out there last night. Did they replace their whole team?

@artdirector_g

No, they didn’t replace anybody. What you likely saw last night was the Jazz “B” Dunk team. The A team (NOT the Mr. T one) are the guys who usually perform during games. However, the B team is the standby team. They fill in if the regular guys get hurt, have to go to a funeral, or get too busy with life in general and can’t even that night. The B team was called to fill in last night because a few guys on the A team were sick and another couldn’t find his dunking shoes.

I’m glad you asked this question because I think the guys on the B team need to be recognized more. They patiently wait on the sidelines all year long for their opportunity and sometimes they can go a whole season without getting the chance to dunk even once.

I’m now going to take the liberty of introducing you to the members of the Jazz Dunk Team alternates:

• Samuel – “Sam the Man,” as he’s known around the Dunk Team and when his dad tries to impress his coworkers at the company barbecue, has been a team alternate for the last four years. He enjoys playing Halo, telling random girls at Carl’s Jr. that he thinks they’re “hot,” and doing backflips into the rec center pool.
• Geoff – Even though the guys on the A team call him “gee yoff” and he hates it, Geoff is a pro at keeping his cool around the team during dunk practice. It’s in his car and at his house where he unleashes his pent up rage either on his steering wheel/dashboard or his furniture. He has a padded and sound-proof room in his home that is used solely for him to blow off steam. One time a cashier gave him incorrect change and he didn’t realized it until he got home, so he took a hatchet and absolutely destroyed mom’s baby grand piano. He is an EXCEPTIONAL dunker, though.
• Greg – “Greggers” has been on the Jazz B team for the last two years. He met and fell in love with a girl named Kate in college five years ago. When Kate dumped him for a guy on the college gymnastics team, Greg decided to lose some weight and concentrate on being physically fit in the hopes that he would accidentally bump into Kate at the store and she would “be like DANG!” and then apologize and ask him to take her back. When that didn’t work he decided to try out for the Jazz Dunk team in the hopes that Kate would maybe come to a game and notice him and be extremely impressed with his dunks and ask him to take her back. It hasn’t worked so far, but he’s still holding out hope.
• Rob – The guys on the team call him “Roberto” because he has gorgeous olive skin and looks Latino, but he’s really just 1/16th Filipino. Rob likes green smoothies, long walks (he doesn’t own a car), and thinking about dolphins. One cool thing about Rob—he always starts his day by getting up, looking in the mirror and saying, “You got this!”
• Hayden – Hayden gets called anything from “Kayden” to “Jayden” to “Gayden,” so basically he always assumes people are talking to him. Hayden is actually a walking miracle because three years ago he lost a chunk of his shin in a weed whacking accident. The doctors said he’d never dunk again, but Hayden was determined to prove them wrong. Within 18 months Hayden was back on the tramp and doing even bigger and better dunks than before. Now, he’s in the best dunking shape of his life.
• Rolf – This guy isn’t actually on the Jazz Dunk Team. He’s one of the characters in the Sound of Music. You know, the one who was sweet on Liesl, but joined the Nazis? Not sure why he made it into this list. Probably cause I just like the sound of his name. Rolf. RAAAWWWLLLLLFFF! See? It’s funny sounding.
• Steve – Steve is the old guy on the team. He’s really only 35, but the rest of the guys call him “Grandpa Steve.” That’s because Steve really IS a grandpa. He left home when he was 16 years old and started working for a crew that set up rides at county fairs. That’s where he met and fell in love with the girl who ran the Ball and Basket game. They had a son a year later who grew up and got really into Thai food as a teenager. His interest in Thai food led to a trip to Thailand, which led to a mistake on a beach, which led to twin boys named Busaba and Aroon.
• Björn – The guys call Björn the “Dutch Dunker from Down Under.” Björn was actually born in Australia, but lived most of his life in the Netherlands. (It’s kind of a long and crazy story and I don’t think this mailbag is the appropriate venue to explain it.) When Björn first tried out for the team, he didn’t even know what a dunk was. In fact, he didn’t even know WHERE he was. He was a foreign exchange student and his host family got tired of him so they dropped him off near the Vivint Solutions Home Arena. That’s when he stumbled into the dunk tryouts by accident.
• River – Riv has been with the team for only six months. He’s actually an alternate for the Jazz B team alternates. They decided to let him be part of the team because Björn was starting to get on everyone’s nerves and they were thinking of kicking him off the team. River is a pretty normal dude. Well, except for his giant collection of salt and pepper shakers and his over-use of the word “gnarly.”

Q: If Skittles’ slogan is “Taste the Rainbow,” and they have many different bags, are the rainbows they rep diff parts of the world?

@BeardedMangus

Short answer, yes.

Q: What’s the fable of March Madness? Was it a tropical disease brought back to America by Theodore Roosevelt?

@AllThatAmar

Oh, March Madness isn’t a fable. It is a historically proven, absolute factual truth. I can understand your trying to tie it back to Roosevelt, but I’m sorry to say that that is just a popular myth. The term “March Madness” actually came from the Germans. During World War I, there were so many long winter battles in frigid, muddy trenches that the soldiers mentally couldn’t handle it and began suffering from delusions and hallucinations. This led to strange and irrational behavior.

Apparently, it got so bad that some soldiers would just start wigging out and calling everyone “Marco.” The rest of the soldiers would refer to it as the “Marco Madness.” That eventually made its way to the American trenches and then back to the good ol’ U.S. of A. Now, for some reason, we only acknowledge it during college basketball season.

Actually none of that’s true. I just made all of it up right now. And if none of it was funny, it’s because it is 1:45 a.m.

Q: What kind of haltime act would you draft Gordon Hayward for? How about Rudy Gobert?

@spaffoo

I really need to work on my halftime acts. Lately all my time has been going towards building a robot that washes your dishes by hand.

Before the season started, I DID put together a list of ideas for each of the Jazz players. Here are Gordon and Rudy’s:

• Gordon – We both enter the court. I point to Gordon and say, “What’s the deal with this guy’s hair?!” The crowd laughs and cheers. Then I announce free haircuts for everyone and the entire arena cheers louder than anyone’s ever heard (including all the Finals games in the late 90’s). Then I say, “You are all getting free haircuts… RIGHT NOW!” Then 1500 barbers come out and just start going to town on all the fans’ hair. Men, women, and children will get the same pompadour haircut absolutely free!
• Rudy – We enter the court and I say, “Isn’t this guy huge?!” Then I get a step ladder, climb to the top, jump off and give Rudy a high-five. After I do that a few times I have my assistants bring out approximately 14 male birds of prey. Their talons are attached to a special jacket that I made in my garage. One of my assistants will then spook the birds using an air horn and the mask from Scream and the birds will then begin flying me around the arena while I drop Jolly Ranchers to all the kids.

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Thanks for the questions this week! Remember to tell all the school bus drivers and crossing guards about Jimbo’s Mailbag. Do it while holding bowling trophies in each hand. Make it weird.