Jimbo’s Mailbag – Durant’s Shoes and the Kanter Blues

March 25th, 2016 | by Jimbo Rudding
Durant's shoes. (From ROOT broadcast last night)

Kevin Durant’s shoes. (From ROOT broadcast)

Q: I’ve got a question man…Why does Enes Kanter continue to throw banter? He is becoming a ranter I hope to never enkanter.

@JazzProtector

Enimem? Is that you?!?! Dang bro, you were droppin’ rhymes like Scotty Grimes (he’s the red-headed guy From “ER” and “Band of Brothers” and has nothing to do with rhyming/rapping. His last name just worked and I went with it. I’ve won a TON of rap battles using his name.)

To answer your question, I’m not sure why Kanter keeps stoking the hate-fire. The Jazz drafted him 3rd overall and allowed him to make millions of dollars in three and a half years. He has all the reasons in the world to let this all go and move on, but he just won’t do it.

Maybe some of it is our fault? Maybe he reads Twitter or has a bug in all of our houses? Maybe WE’RE the ones who need to let it go?…….. Pfffffft ha ha ha ha lolololololololol! No, we’re fine, you guys. It’s all him.

After thinking about it for the past 11 minutes or so, these are the only reasons I can see him still being upset about:

  • He’s still coming off the bench.
  • He REALLY misses our mountains. Like, REALLY bad (if you know what I mean)… (actually, I don’t even know what I mean).
  • He’s tired of his body being 83% beard.
  • He misses Lagoon.
  • He feels like Jazz fans made fun of Ty Corbin’s tiny mustache too much.
  • He’s embarrassed because his teammates found out that he is a HUGE fan of Huey Lewis and the News.
  • He’s as frustrated as ever with the English language.
  • He can’t stand Jim Les.
  • He microwaved some fish tacos after practice once and stunk up the practice facility and everyone in the league heard and won’t stop bugging him about it.

 

Q: Over/under on the number of times Dennis Lindsey refers to Exum as “our biggest free agent signing” this summer?

@Run_Pappy

I’ll say six…teen…hundred.

I totally understand why the Jazz franchise is excited about Exum. He played incredible defense last year as a rookie. Just imagine adding that to an already incredible defense. That should be enough to get every Jazz fan excited for next season. I know his offense is lacking, but it’ll come. How do I know this? I have two eyes with 20/30 vision. Yeah, but what about his stats, you ask? Well, I once won 13 dollars in Vegas on one hand of blackjack by going with my gut. But you go ahead and stick with your stats if it makes you feel better.

We all know that Dennis Lindsey will call attention to the addition of a healthy Exum this summer. As well he should; it’s his job. Exum can defend both guard positions. He’s young and is doing everything the Jazz are asking of him. Sure the offense has the potential to stagnate while he’s on the floor, but like the Beatles taught us, you can’t always get what you want.

The problem I will have is if the Jazz don’t add any free agents of value this summer and start talking about Exum as some sort of “key acquisition.” Instead of focusing on Exum, I would love it if Lindsey took a long, hard look at Ingles, Johnson, Burks, Burke, Pleiss, and Booker to see who has the potential to be valuable long term. I personally would let them all go, maybe except for Burks, and see what being aggressive during free agency will get you. You have one season to convince Gordon Hayward to stay in Utah and my inviting him to go skeet shooting every other weekend is, for some reason, not cutting it.

 

Q: What’s the first thing Kevin Durant is going to do after he signs with the Jazz this summer?

@AndrewTSnyder1

The first thing? I don’t know. But I CAN give you a list of things he SHOULD do after he signs his contract. Here you go:

  • Lay in the cool grass next to Bill and Sam underneath the trees in beautiful Pioneer Park.
  • Go to Classic Skating and request Color Me Badd’s “I Adore Mi Amor” six times in a row.
  • Be personally welcomed and given a key to the city by Governor Dell Schanze.
  • Take a swim in Utah Lake and then take a bath in tomato soup to get the diaper smell off.
  • Take a ride in a horse-drawn carriage downtown with one of those plaid blankets over his lap.
  • Somehow get Fuddruckers to come back to Utah.
  • Drive down State Street and do at least ten Chinese Fire Drills.
  • Help organize rides to day camp for 17 Webelo Scouts.
  • Have someone hose him off with a power washer after wading in the Great Salt Lake.
  • Help someone lay sod on a Saturday afternoon.

 

Q: Would you rather have hiccups the rest of your life or watch Enes Kanter defeat the Jazz for the rest of his career?

@Velociraptees

This is tough because on one hand, hiccups for the rest of my life would be crazy annoying, but on the other hand Enes Kanter is also crazy annoying.

I’d probably take Kanter beating the Jazz for the rest of his career. Hiccups would eventually take their toll on my quality of life and I am a fairly big proponent of having quality in my life. While Kanter’s wins would be frustrating, I don’t think their effect on my mental well-being would be particularly long-lasting.

All that being said, it’d be pretty cool to be the wizard who could give people ultimatums like this. I would have so much fun with that. Like, would you rather have crippling diarrhea every weekend or only be able to use adjectives during dates? Or, would you rather have two left hands or wear one of those Newsie hats for the rest of your life?

And now I’ll be thinking of these for the rest of the day.

 

Q: You see KD’s fun shoes tonight? Those would be perfect for clamming at Utah Lake! Could this be the clincher to get him here?

@the6bees

Yeah, I saw the shoes and I don’t get it. It’s like a couple of jokesters from Nike had a meeting with KD and said, “OK, we have this hilarious idea…” I guess if this shoe prevented sprained ankles from ever happening again, then maybe I’d be on board. But these look like the male version of the knee-high fall boots that women wear. No thanks.

It’s only a matter of time before the majority of kids out there mow enough lawns for three summers in a row to earn the $600 they’ll need to pay for them. Then we’ll all justify it to each other because they “glow in the dark” and are “super comfortable” and “come with their own carrying case.” Totally worth it.

If I showed up for a pick-up game and someone was wearing them, I’d probably just turn right around and go back home. There are some things I can stomach, but Nike boot-shoes are not one of them. As a reader of Jimbo’s Mailbag, you are all well aware that I’ve got plenty of nonsense in my life and I’m not looking to add more.

 

Q: Is Enes Kanter climbing the punk rankings faster than anyone ever has?

@PappaRoost

I’m not sure about this one. I guess if your definition of punk means “former Jazz player who is now a punk,” then maybe. If it means any player that Jazz fans can’t stand the most, then I would say no.

There aren’t many former Jazz players who turned into punks. I mean, it took Derek Fisher two weeks to sign with the Lakers after he asked to get out of his Jazz contract to be closer to New York City. That was as punkish as it gets. Ahhh, those were some fun times to be a Jazz fan.

We tend to be thin-skinned as Jazz fans, though. We’re a small market and free agents don’t want to live here because we don’t have Fuddruckers, our game-nights at the neighbors are lame, and no one is allowed to drive after 10 p.m. If we could just somehow get past that, people like Kanter would be easy to ignore. I mean, we all booed Gordan Giricek and Deron Williams when they returned to the ESA Smart Home Solutions Arena. Giricek wasn’t really guilty of anything except being terrible at defense and Deron was a little curt with me at an autograph party once, but I don’t think that is any reason for the rest of you to boo him.

———————————————————

Thanks for the questions this week, fellas! Last week’s mailbag took 3rd in most-read articles on the internet right behind something about Trump and a website called “Roller-coaster Deaths Caught on Tape.” It’s a dark corner of the internet. Don’t waste your time. However, DO waste your time telling your step-kids and butchers about Jimbo’s Mailbag. Do it in Pig Latin while holding three ferrets. Make it weird.

Jimbo Rudding

Jimbo Rudding

I am a typical Jazz fan. I think Jordan pushed off, Derek Fisher lied, Bavetta cost us at least one game in the Finals, we should have drafted Tony Parker instead of Raul Lopez, and there will never be anything better than the Stockton to Malone days. I, along with Spencer Campbell @SCampbellSBN, started the first and longest-running Utah Jazz podcast on earth. I enjoy the in-of-doors and telling people a better way of doing whatever it is they're currently doing.
Jimbo Rudding

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