Welcome to the next edition of Jimbo’s Mailbag! At Salt City Hoops, we know that covering a losing team without any humor can be dreary. As such, we decided to add a little bit more levity to our site via Jimbo’s unique outlook on the world of Jazz basketball. Jimbo, by virtue of being recently featured in the Deseret News, is now the world’s most famous Utah-based basketball mailbag artist. Interested in submitting a question to Jimbo’s mailbag? Email it to Jimbo at email@example.com or tweet @JimboRudding to appear.
Q: Why isn’t @Uncle__Dale working his magic on the trade machine anymore? How else is Dennis Lindsey gonna improve our team?
I have absolutely zero control over my Uncle Dale. In fact, ever since he told my grandma that I was the one who ate all of their Special K cereal, he’s been dead to me.
If Dennis Lindsey wants to improve the Jazz, I suggest he do one or all of these things:
Q: I’m intrigued by this Kate Upton riding that horse. Any way to make her act a halftime show before season’s end?
Strong question. There are two reasons that they had Kate Upton be the spokesperson for Titan Clash of the Worlds or whatever nonsensical name they gave that video game. First, her smile is so warm and inviting, it seems to have a voice of its own. Second, she is an accomplished equestrian.
That being said, I absolutely would LOVE to collaborate with her on some new halftime act ideas. I have a few acts I am working on that she would be perfect for. One would involve her attempting to break the Guinness world record for being the first person to wear a ferret jumpsuit (jumpsuit made of alive and perfectly healthy ferrets). The other act would involve her wearing a jetpack. However, the audience is tricked into thinking it’s a real jetpack, but the real one is strapped to a decent-looking mannequin I found in a dumpster behind Dillard’s last fall. I’m not sure how excited her agent/manager would be about all that, but hey, it’s a job, right? Actually, it’s not. I couldn’t afford to pay her.
Q: Is it racist to prefer Mrs. Butterworth’s syrup to Aunt Jemima’s?
You’re only a racist if you think Mrs. Butterworth’s syrup is better. Aunt Jemima’s is delicious and Mrs. Butterworth’s is not. Get with the program please.
Q: What’s your pick for Stanley Cup champion this year?
I don’t understand the question and I won’t respond to it.
OK, actually I’d have to say either the Utah Jazz or the other professional basketball team that plays in Salt Lake… oh yeah, the Jazz. Translation: I don’t care about winter lacrosse. In fact, here, for your reading pleasure, is a list of sports I don’t care much about:
So, to answer your question: I officially pick the Memphis Buckaroos to win the Stanley Cup this year. They have the sharpest skates.
Q: Outside of basketball, what do you picture Rudy Gobert doing most during the offseason?
This is a hard question to answer. I’ve been sitting here for the past fifteen minutes thinking about this and the only thing I am sure about is that Gobert will be spending at least a tiny portion of the offseason eating crepes. Actually, I hope he DOES eat crepes so that he can gain a little bit of weight.
I mostly picture Rudy watching a TON of old Hakeem Olajuwon film, practicing scoring with his right hand and staying down on pump fakes. Other than that, I’d suggest he just stick around Utah and try scoring chicks at the Chuck E. Cheese’s in West Valley. It’s the best one in the state, in my opinion. It’s where my uncle met his third wife and where I first discovered that women grew hair under their armpits. I had absolutely NO idea that even happened until I accidentally got to first base with an older lady in the ball pit. That’s all I’m going to say about that, though. I’m not one to kiss and tell.
Thanks to all who sent in questions! Until next week, this is Jimbo signing off.