Jimbo’s Mailbag – I Dance for Jazz Wins

April 1st, 2016 | by Jimbo Rudding
(Photo by Melissa Majchrzak/NBAE via Getty Images)

(Photo by Melissa Majchrzak/NBAE via Getty Images)

Welcome to the next edition of Jimbo’s Mailbag! At Salt City Hoops, we know that covering a team without any humor can be dreary. As such, we decided to add a little bit more levity to our site via Jimbo’s unique outlook on the world of Jazz basketball. Jimbo, by virtue of being recently featured in the Deseret News, is now the world’s most famous Utah-based basketball mailbag artist. Interested in submitting a question to Jimbo’s mailbag? Email it to Jimbo at mailbag@saltcityhoops.com or tweet @JimboRudding to appear.

Q: If what I’m reading is true and Dante will only shoot granny-style next year, will he be celebrated or reviled if his FG% increases?

@the6bees

Reviled, for sure. Unless Exum shoots in the high 90’s, we as Jazz fans will never allow granny-style shots. We’re already the laughing stock of the league because we don’t have great night life and Fuddruckers left. A player shooting granny-style could potentially take down the whole franchise.

Think about it, Ronnie Brewer’s field goal percentage was over 50% during his career in Utah and we STILL wouldn’t stop complaining about how our starting shooting guard couldn’t shoot. Sure, most of his buckets were dish-offs around the rim, but he tried his best and did a fine job and here we are years later, still hung up on his funky, broken-armed waterslide jump shot. If Dante starts throwing granny-style shots next year, I say the Jazz go ahead and trade him for LeBron.

The thing we need to realize about Dante is… it would’ve been really nice to have him this year. With Mack backing Dante up, our point guard situation would’ve been golden. Well, at least silver-en. His length is exactly what we need to slow down guys like Curry, Parker, Westbrook, and Calathes. Now all we can do is hope Exum can figure it out offensively.

One more thing – I’m so sick of injuries. No, I’m downright P.O.-ed at injuries. If injuries were a man, I’d steal his identity and go buy a TON of stuff at Barnes & Noble and Wendy’s. If injuries were a woman, I’d ask her out on a date by leaving a cake on her porch with a note that said, “You and I are the only ingredients needed for a good time” and then I wouldn’t show up for the date. A few days later I’d leave a bunch of baseballs and bats and other equipment on her porch with a note that said, “Thanks for being a good sport.” Then I’d leave a bunch of deodorant and toothpaste and other hygiene products on her porch with a note that said, “You stink.” Basically what I’m saying is that I hate injuries.

Contact me if you’re ever in need of any relationship advice.

 

Q Is it just me or were the refs pathetic in that Warriors game? Also… where can I get a good deal on a new TV?

@JazzManZach

I’ll answer your last question first. If I were in the market for a new TV, which I always am, I’d head on down to Best Buy… and then I’d laugh hysterically because their prices are insane. Then I’d go to Costco. Costco is like your friend who never gets mad about anything. You could borrow his “Swiss Family Robinson” DVD and then return it a year later all scratched up and unusable and he’d just shrug and order another one on Amazon. Costco is the same way. They take back anything at almost any time. So get any TV you want and then later when you feel like it isn’t big enough, just take it back. Does it make sense ethically? No, but who cares about ethics when your TV is too small, right?

As for the refs – no, it’s not just you. There were some dumb calls and some superstar calls and some insane calls (not in that order though) during that Warriors game. I’ve said it before and I’ll type it again right now, if I wasn’t such a big Jazz fan I would hate the NBA. The superstar calls drive me crazy. One guy gets fouled on the arm and nothing is called unless he is a great player. Makes no sense. That’s like if they automatically brought you a pulled pork sandwich at the game because you are obese. We would hate that, just like we hate superstar calls.

 

Q: What can we as Jazz fans do to help prevent Hayward from dribbling the ball out of bounds in clutch situations?

@BranpuffAsh

As good as Hayward has been this year, he’s occasionally lacked mental toughness down the stretch. It reminds me of the time I entered an art contest because I had doodled on my shoe during math one day and the kid sitting next to me said that I was good at drawing. The truth is, I’m not good at drawing. I couldn’t draw the broad side of a barn. However, that one compliment got in my head and it didn’t take long for me to get a massive, whale-sized ego. So obviously I decided to create a masterpiece and enter it into the school art contest. Unfortunately, that was the year I got REALLY into trying to record every episode of Punky Brewster on VHS tapes and I ended up procrastinating said masterpiece. So, of course, the night before I did this horrible tracing of the Noid from the top of a Domino’s Pizza box. The only thing I won at the awards ceremony was a participation ribbon. Plus I missed an episode of Punky Brewster that night, so two birds-one stone or whatever.

Does that analogy even make sense? Maybe because Gordon isn’t quite prepared for late-game situations? I don’t know; sometimes memories just pop into my brain and I feel like if I don’t share them I could burst.

Anyway, what can we Jazz fans do to prevent Hayward from having these mishaps in clutch time? Here are some suggestions:

  • Chant “YOU CAN DO IT!”
  • Shine lasers at opposing players.
  • Send our kids on the court to hug the opposing players.
  • Maybe have one of our players try “slick shoes” (like in Goonies).
  • Suggest to the Jazz coaching staff that Gordon be given extra electrolytes?
  • Practice?
  • Jim Les is the worst!

 

Q: If you could compare the Jazz free throw shooting against the Warriors to literally anything, what would it be?

@dillyman25

Free throws were the big topic after the game, and rightfully so. You can’t miss 16 free throws against the Warriors and expect to win… or CAN you? No, you can’t.

Here are a list of things I’d compare the Jazz’ses’s free throw shooting performance to:

  • A dog turd on a brand new sidewalk.
  • Showing up an hour early to an event because you forgot to change the clock in your car for daylight savings.
  • Costco on a Saturday.
  • Man of Steel (That is the worst movie I’ve ever seen. The only thing that would’ve made it worse is if Jim Les was in it.)
  • Having your girlfriend break up with you right after you bought her Sizzler.
  • Getting accidentally hit in the face by a child’s fake samurai sword.
  • Paying for entrance into Disneyland on the most crowded day of the year.
  • Getting a really bad haircut, but being too embarrassed to ask your aunt to fix it.
  • Dropping a steak knife on your foot.

 

Q: What jinx or anti-jinx rituals do you perform during Jazz/opponent free throws?

@JamonWinegar

It’s funny you should ask that because I am VERY superstitious when it comes to Jazz basketball. In the game against the LA Clippers on the road I started doing this little dance after a Jazz three-pointer and the Jazz started playing a lot better, so I just kept dancing. I was a hot, sweaty mess by the end of that game, but the Jazz pulled out the win so you’re welcome Jazz fans!

Now, I’m not saying my dancing had anything to do with them winning the game, but on the other hand, I AM saying that it’s possible my dancing had something to do with them winning the game. You never know; that’s why you should always err on the side of superstition.

During the 2007 playoffs I squeezed one of those tiny souvenir Jazz basketballs. Every time I squeezed it, the Jazz would play well. Thanks to that ball, they pulled off a miraculous win in Game 7 of the first round against Houston. I squeezed that sucker so much and so hard that it basically turned to mush, and that’s the day I started dancing.

 

Q: How many sour gummy worms can you fit in a pickle jar?

@CB_Ute

Believe me, you don’t want to know.

 

Q: Do you think Rony Seikaly and Ante Tomic hang out and make fun of the Jazz?

@UtahJazzTime

If they do, they’ll stop doing it once they find out that I started a club that makes fun of eastern Europeans.

 

Q: My wife is pregnant. Which player’s name would make a great legacy for my posterity?

@RedStaplerGuy

Definitely NOT Jim Les. Here are my suggestions:

 

Good ones for boys: Bad ones for boys: Good ones for girls: Bad ones for girls:
Brewer Keon Delaney Derek Fisher
Wesley Crotty Rush Lamar
Almond Munk Tinsley Armen
Shandon Jim Les Whaley Kyrylo
Thurl Milt Murphy Gugliotta
Andris Othyus Mikki Antoine
Booner Jim Eisley Bear
Brown Bear Les Sloan Larry

 

Q: Having a question selected is something I would like to put on my resume, but I can’t think of anything. The Jazz play basketball. What do you think about that?

@MitchHenline

Great question! But how to answer it? Hmmm, let’s see. I enjoy Jazz basketball. I watch every game. Sometimes I am happy and verbally proclaim my love for the team and sometimes I am livid and curse every person I think is responsible. I have stuck with this team through very thick and very thin. One day, my whittling business will take off and I will be able to afford season tickets.

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Thanks for the questions, you guys! Remember to tell your old elementary school teachers about Jimbo’s Mailbag. Do it while giving them a VERY uncomfortably long hug. Make it weird.

Jimbo Rudding

Jimbo Rudding

I am a typical Jazz fan. I think Jordan pushed off, Derek Fisher lied, Bavetta cost us at least one game in the Finals, we should have drafted Tony Parker instead of Raul Lopez, and there will never be anything better than the Stockton to Malone days. I, along with Spencer Campbell @SCampbellSBN, started the first and longest-running Utah Jazz podcast on earth. I enjoy the in-of-doors and telling people a better way of doing whatever it is they're currently doing.
Jimbo Rudding
Jimbo Rudding

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