Jimbo’s Mailbag – I Want to Punch the Rockets in the Face

February 26th, 2016 | by Jimbo Rudding
(Photo by Scott Halleran/Getty Images)

(Photo by Scott Halleran/Getty Images)

Welcome to the next edition of Jimbo’s Mailbag! At Salt City Hoops, we know that covering a team without any humor can be dreary. As such, we decided to add a little bit more levity to our site via Jimbo’s unique outlook on the world of Jazz basketball. Jimbo, by virtue of being recently featured in the Deseret News, is now the world’s most famous Utah-based basketball mailbag artist. Interested in submitting a question to Jimbo’s mailbag? Email it to Jimbo at mailbag@saltcityhoops.com or tweet @JimboRudding to appear.

Q: Which team would you rather punch in the face, the Rockets or Clippers?

@Steeleman77

Ugh, both are at the top of my list of teams I’d like to punch in the face. I’m usually not a mean or violent person, but whenever I have to watch those teams play I start throwing rocks at animals and telling convenience store cashiers that their store are filthy. That’s just straight-up mean, right? I’m ashamed of myself.

Before I make a decision, I think it’d be smart to list reasons why I’d want to punch each team in the face. Then I can compare the lists and make my final, educated decision. So without further adieauxeoo, here are my lists.

Reasons why I want to punch the Rockets in the face:

  • James Harden’s manipulation of the referees.
  • Dwight Howard’s ginormous shoulders and tiny head.
  • Trevor Ariza’s ability to make literally every three-pointer he takes against us.
  • Their stupid red uniforms with the “R” on them.
  • Hakeem Olajuwon got away with traveling every time he touched the ball for eight years.
  • Patrick Beverley messing with Gordon Hayward at the free throw line.
  • Jim Les was the worst.
  • Patrick Beverley’s head lice.
  • Josh Smith moving his pivot foot.
  • James Harden’s mouth looks tiny surrounded by his giant beard,

Reasons why I want to punch the Clippers in the face:

  • Blake Griffin gets drunk and punches his friends in the face.
  • J.J. Redick wasn’t supposed to be better than Ronnie Brewer.
  • Paul Pierce broke Alec Burks’ leg.
  • Chris Paul yells and screams at the refs and hardly ever gets technical fouls.
  • Jamal Crawford taking all the shots.
  • Austin Rivers playing because his dad is the coach.
  • Jim Les was the worst.
  • Humans shouldn’t be as big and athletic as DeAndre Jordan.
  • Glen Davis’ spare (monster truck) tire.

So, looking at both of these lists, I guess I’d punch like to punch the Rockets in the face more than the Clippers. However, I would gladly punch either of them.

 

Q: What do you think of Rudy Gobert’s offensive game? Is there any hope?

@SCampbellSBN

I totally understand why you’d ask this. Rudy’s such an elite defender, but it’s frustrating at times watching him get so close to the basket without being able to finish. Sometimes it appears as though he’s trying to chuck the ball through the backboard instead of softly lay it in. Then again, some nights he is a monster on the offensive boards and has some key put-backs that can turn the momentum in our favor. It’s hard to complain about Gobert at all, but it would be nice if he could consistently hit an elbow jumper once in a while or add a soft hook shot to his game.

I understand why you’d be asking about hope. Hope is such a fleeting thing. One time in fifth grade a girl named Hope told me she wanted to go steady and to meet her at the flagpole at 3:30 so that we could do some kissin’, but when I got there all I found was a paper bag on fire. But that’s neither here nor there and my therapist says I need to just get over it. C’mon Jimbo, that was like 25 years ago.

I know that this is only Rudy’s third year in the league, but maybe this is just who Rudy is. Maybe he won’t ever have a decent offensive game. Is that such a bad thing? I mean, if he alone prevents someone from scoring, is that not as good as getting a layup on the other end of the court?

Then again, what if Memo started working with him? Rudy has a decent-looking shot. There’s no reason to think that he couldn’t have a consistent 8-12 footer in his arsenal. Maybe over time he’ll gain enough experience to be craftier and stronger around the basket. Then again, you have to take into account that I don’t know that much about basketball. I mean, I don’t even know what “PER” is or what “high post” means.

 

Q: If the Jazz are going to be “special” one day, who from the team today will be on that “special” team?

@Mikeyvp

Wow, thanks for your special question!

It’s hard to look at teams like the Spurs and Warriors and think the Jazz have a shot at a deep playoff run any time soon. Kawhi Leonard will continue to be good for quite some time, but the rest of that roster is at the tail end of their careers, so that’s somewhat encouraging. However, the Warriors are all young and handsome and on pace to be the best team ever, so I really don’t see they’d change things up at all. Even if they had a chance to sign Kevin Durant, I still don’t think it’d be smart to do it. But what do I know? I don’t even understand the rules of illegal defense.

Our “special” Jazz team would most likely have to consist of Hayward, Exum, Gobert, Favors, and Hood. They’re the core five the Jazz have been building with for the last 4-6 years. I also think that if one of those five doesn’t become a “superstar” soon, then the Jazz will have to figure out a clever way to get one on the team somehow. Unless they try and win a title the way the 2004 Pistons did, with toughness and luck.

As for Alec Burks, I don’t see him being a key piece in the special puzzle. He can do things on the court that NO ONE else on the team can do, but I’m not positive that the Jazz necessarily need him for a long playoff run. That being said, I DO think that it is imperative that the Jazz get something valuable for him in a trade either this summer or next season.

 

Q: Was chin balancing an idea you had for a halftime act?

@aliolsen

Surprisingly, I haven’t had that on my list of go-to halftime acts for this season. Last year I tried balancing a puppy on a rake on my forehead and things got ugly. Luckily I didn’t lose the eye altogether, but it took a while before the floating black spots went away.

I HAVE been working on some new halftime act ideas though. Here are a few:

  • I grab my cat by his hind legs and throw him up in the air, flipping him up to seven times before catching him. You think the act is over, but then I take a kitten and flip it 17 times. My record is 21, but I’ve found that after 17 it gets a little less safe for the kitten.
  • I bring three 11 year olds out onto the court and the crowd gets to ask them each three questions before guessing which one called me a “buttmuncher” in front of my wife and kids. If the crowd guesses correctly, I let him off the hook with a warning. If not, he digs the hole for our trampoline.
  • I sing the CUPS song in German. At least, the crowd assumes it’s German because it sounds German. In reality, I’m just muttering the lyrics to “Bad Medicine” in Pig Latin and clearing my throat a lot.
  • I do a magic trick where I have everyone in the crowd think of an animal. Then I bring out a large snake and about ¼ of the crowd is pretty surprised. The rest of the crowd won’t enjoy this one very much, but what do I care? Maybe they should start thinking about cooler animals?
  • I come out in stilts and say, “How’s the weather down there?” to people in the front row. It gets a few chuckles. Just when people start thinking, “Wait, is this all he does?” that’s when they turn on the Beverly Hills Cop Theme and I get off my stilts, put on my rollerblades, and just start blading really fast around the court.
  • I bring out a samurai sword and start doing tricks with it. Then, as a joke, I pretend to accidentally cut off three fingers on my left hand. Don’t worry though. The blood and fingers are fake. I actually really lost them a few years ago in a lawn mowing accident.
  • I enter the court and say, “LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TAYLOR SWIFT!!!” and point to one of the portals. Just as the crowd gets super excited and I have their full attention, that’s when my 7 year old neighbor “Taylor Sweff” comes out and hula hoops for them. You may think that that’s a mean trick to play on everyone, but she actually is pretty amazing at the hula hoop.

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Thanks for all the questions, you guys! I heard that last week’s Jimbo’s Maiblag was only two clicks away from going viral. Great job, friends! Remember to tell your cousins and second cousins about the mailbag. Call them from a pay phone at 11:00 at night and when they answer, ask if you can borrow their DVD copy of Cast Away. Make it weird.

Jimbo Rudding

Jimbo Rudding

I am a typical Jazz fan. I think Jordan pushed off, Derek Fisher lied, Bavetta cost us at least one game in the Finals, we should have drafted Tony Parker instead of Raul Lopez, and there will never be anything better than the Stockton to Malone days. I, along with Spencer Campbell @SCampbellSBN, started the first and longest-running Utah Jazz podcast on earth. I enjoy the in-of-doors and telling people a better way of doing whatever it is they're currently doing.
Jimbo Rudding
Jimbo Rudding

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One Comment

  1. Steve says:

    Teams to Punch in the FACE: Lakers can be the only #1.

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