Welcome to the next edition of Jimbo’s Mailbag! At Salt City Hoops, we know that covering a team without any humor can be dreary. As such, we decided to add a little bit more levity to our site via Jimbo’s unique outlook on the world of Jazz basketball. Jimbo, by virtue of being recently featured in the Deseret News, is now the world’s most famous Utah-based basketball mailbag artist. Interested in submitting a question to Jimbo’s mailbag? Email it to Jimbo at email@example.com or tweet @JimboRudding to appear.
Q: What Star Wars characters are each of the Jazz men? Is Dante Luke Skywalker; G-Time Hans Solo?
I feel a little unqualified to answer this question. Yes, I’ve seen all the Star Wars movies, but to be honest, I don’t remember a lot about them except for the lasers and life savers and whatnot. I was one of the very few who somehow escaped childhood without a deep and obsessive love for the Star Wars franchise. They were just “okay” for me.
But I’ll give this my best shot. Here are the current Jazz players and the Star Wars characters who best resemble them:
Q: Have the Jazz announced which game is the free laser pointer giveaway night? Gotta plan my trip into town.
GREAT question and also great idea! Why not have a laser pointer giveaway night? Fun for the whole family! What could go wrong?
I think the schedule doesn’t come out for another couple of weeks, but I’m sure it isn’t too late to add a free laser pointer night to the list of giveaways. Maybe try emailing firstname.lastname@example.org? If dave doesn’t work, try Ben or Randy. Those seem like typical Jazz front office names.
I’ve been emailing my halftime act ideas to email@example.com for years. He hasn’t responded to any of my emails, but I’m sure that it’s only because Mr. Layden is incredibly busy. He’ll get to them eventually.
If the Jazz decide to have a laser pointer night, then I hope they do it while the Rockets are in town and a Jazz fan points it at James Harden again. Then it’d be cool if Harden threw the basketball into the stands and hit a middle-aged woman in the head and then later that woman started doing strange things like posting pictures online of her and her friends eating cobb salads at Applebee’s.
Q: Can you please rank the top back-up point guards in Jazz history? Don’t sleep on Delaney Rudd or Jim Les.
Technically Stockton and D-Will at one time in their careers were back-up point guards, but I can see where you’re trying to go with this, so I won’t be a turd about it.
Here is my list:
Q: If there was one Jazz player that you’d like to go hot-tubbing with, who?
Amazing question, Zach! There’s nothing I enjoy more than sitting in a tub with 3-5 of my favorite male buddies. So, naturally I would jump at the chance to sit in a tub with a giant, sweaty Jazz player.
If I could pick, I would totally hot tub with Ben Handlogten. But I’m guessing you meant a current Jazz player, so I guess I’d have to go with Joe Ingles. Here are some of the reasons why:
Q: Are you really Jimmy from Saturday’s Warrior?
Saturday’s what? J/K, yes I am!
Q: I hear Mark Jackson is trying to open a car dealership named “Jackson to Malone Honda.” Thoughts?
Of course he would try and do that. Mark Jackson was the most amazing point guard in the history of basketball. More amazing than the other guy who played in Utah for 20 years. More amazing than the guy they nicknamed “Magic” in Los Angeles. Even more amazing than the time I saved those old people from that nursing home fire and then ate my weight in Godfather’s Pizza.
Q: I’m starting a biographical blog on the life of Jim Les. What life highlights should I include? Possible titles?
Here’s your title: “Jim Les: The Worst.”
Possible life highlights include:
Age: 0 – Jim exits his mother’s womb and instantly pees on the doctor, nurses, and family members.
Age: 4 months – His first word was “Fffffftaaaach” which isn’t even a word. His parents were, and still are, ashamed.
Age: 2 – He was so terrible that his parents coined the term “Terrible Two’s.”
Age: 4 – He got a hold of some scissors and cut off most of his mother’s hair.
Age: 9 – He pushed a toddler down at the city library for no reason while no one was looking.
Age: 11 – He and his friend lied to their mothers about eating at the other’s house just so they could have Stove Top for dinner twice.
Age: 14 – He called his basketball coach a “bodaggit” in front of the whole team during practice because his coach told him he was the worst.
Age: 15 – He was too scared to go toilet papering with other youths during a sleepover.
Age: 16 – After leaving the DMV with his brand new driver’s license, he proceeded to back into a rollerblader.
Age: 18 – He only is allowed to graduate high school because the teachers and faculty were sick of him being so bad at basketball.
Ages 18 to present day should be in Jim Les: The Worst Volumes 2 through 8.
PROCLAIMER: I met Jim Les one time at a Kmart back in the early 90’s. He was there signing autographs as a part of an organized meet-and-greet for Jazz fans. Jim was very nice and I have no reason to dislike him and I don’t. In this mailbag, Jim Les is a metonym I use for all things Jazz related that we as Jazz fans have had to suffer through over the years (i.e. Dick Bavetta, Derek Fisher, Mark Jackson, Rony Seikaly, Derek Harper, etc.). It’s cathartic and therapeutic. It may be strange, but it’s how I deal with things. Oh like YOU don’t have issues you need to work through?!?! Jim, if you are reading this, I’m sincerely sorry if this mailbag has ever caused you any grief or pain. That was NOT my intent.
Thanks for the questions, you guys! Remember to tell your neighbors about Jimbo’s Mailbag. Especially the ones who you sometimes worry about because they don’t come outside all that often. Do it while playing air piano. Make it weird.