Jimbo’s Mailbag – Jazz Player Sightings and NBA Halftime Ideas

Here’s Andris Biedrins playing on his cell phone. What else has he been up to? (Photo by Andrew D. Bernstein/NBAE via Getty Images)

Welcome to the next edition of Jimbo’s Mailbag! At Salt City Hoops, we know that covering a losing team without any humor can be dreary. As such, we decided to add a little bit more levity to our site via Jimbo’s unique outlook on the world of Jazz basketball; the veracity of what follows is in question. Interested in submitting a question to Jimbo’s mailbag? Email it to Jimbo at mailbag@saltcityhoops.com or tweet @JimboRudding to appear. 

Q:  Have you seen any Jazz players around town lately?

– @Mikeyvp

Mikey, it’s funny you ask that, because I have seen Andris Biedrins numerous times within the past four months or so. For some reason, every time I see him, it’s always in an awkward situation or a place I would NEVER expect to run into him. I get the feeling sometimes that he is following me.

Here are a few of the places I’ve seen him:

• I ran into him inside a Jo-Ann Fabrics. I was there waiting for my wife and he had an apron on and looked like he was helping an elderly lady pick out some yarn.
• I spotted him at the VF Factory Outlet. He was there rollerblading through the hallways by himself. He had earbuds in and it looked like he was eating a bag of granola.
• I saw him wandering around 53^rd. When I asked what he was doing, he said he was looking for the 49^th Street Galleria.
• I noticed on my way to Wendover that he was sitting in one of the broken balls that had fallen from the Tree of Utah sculpture in the salt flats.
• I saw him one time at Wal-Mart in Layton. He was dragging two shopping carts full of L.A. Looks hair gel.
• Lastly, I saw him at the Festival of Color in Spanish Fork. He wasn’t throwing any colored chalk around though. It looked like he was bartering with a foreign man trying to purchase some goats.

From the looks of it, he is exploring every part of this great state. Hopefully I’ll see him around some more in the future.

Q:  What would it take to get an all beat writer + Jimbo halftime show?

– @gothedistance49

I have actually been working hard on ideas for future halftime shows. I figure if a middle-aged chubby guy can jump on a trampoline with a snowboard attached to his feet, then any ideas I have aren’t going to be too “out there.” Also, I would never compete with the beat writers, but I would GLADLY join with them to put on a great halftime show whenever they want.

Here is a list of a few ideas for an NBA halftime show I’ve been trying to get Greg Miller to approve:

• Have my aunt Sharon enter the arena from outside, have everyone scream “SURPRISE!” and see if we can all get her to believe it was a surprise party for her.
• Spin a ruler on a pencil VERY fast. (This one is mostly for the kids.)
• Tie up a CrossFit instructor and force-feed him gluten straight from a can. A couple of lucky fans will be chosen to scream, “DIG DOWN DEEP!” over and over again while he eats.
• Bring three guys in prison jumpsuits out onto the court and have a season ticket holder try to guess which one is Kirk Snyder.
• Choose two fans to participate in a contest where they guess how many of my exotic birds it will take to lift me off the ground. The closest to the correct number will get to keep one of the birds while the loser will have to mop up the mess.

Q:  Where do you think you’ll end up on the other side of the wormhole that gets created from the day The Jimmer finally retweets you?

– @Clintonite33

I think you’re right on with that wormhole idea. If that retweet ever happened it could quite possibly disrupt the space-time continuum and cause multiple wormholes to appear. The moon would be in the seventh house, Jupiter would align with Mars, and love would steer the stars.

Deep down, I have this crippling fear that I’m going to run into Jimmer at the mall one day and he’s going find out that I’m Jimbo. Then, straight-faced, he’s going to look me in the eyes and say, “Why, man?” And I’m not going to be able to say anything except something dumb like, “I don’t know…things have been slow at work and…I haven’t been sleeping well lately and…no one nominated me for the ice bucket challenge…and the whole ISIS thing too, you know?”

He won’t be satisfied with any of that and he’ll just keep staring at me and waiting for a good answer. Then, I’ll continue to dig my hole deeper by saying, “The one about the fountain of youth was funny though, wasn’t it?…Oh, and there was the one about MacGyver handing out samples in Costco…ha ha…remember that one?”

Jimmer’s straight face would continue until he couldn’t take it anymore and he’d just burst out laughing. Then he’d say, “I’m just kidding, man! How could I forget the MacGyver one! That was my favorite! My entire family loved that one at the reunion. In fact, you made my uncle Dave wet himself.”

Then he’d hold his hand out towards me. I’d take it in mine and we’d jump back through the wormhole and there would be harmony and understanding and mystic crystal revelation…or something like that.

Q:  Can you rank these Boozer moments for greatness: painting his hair, getting paid regardless, “AND ONE!”, his duffle bag?

– @davidsmith1232

This is a great question David! I would have to add “heard a pop” and maybe “GET IT MEMO!” to that list.

On one hand, every time I want to bash Boozer, I always go back to Game 7 of the first round of the 2007 playoffs. He had 35 points and 14 rebounds. Think about that; 35 and 14. I realize his defense was horrid and his attitude less than ideal, but what more do we want from our starting power forward in the biggest game of the year?

On the other hand, I’m not in the defending-Boozer business when he does/says all of the things you’ve listed in your question. Besides the whole not-being-good-at-basketball thing, the dude is straight-up crazy sometimes. He’s like that kid in school who is very friendly with you, but who sometimes steals your lunch money or tells Jessica Stoltz that you have a huge crush on her just because he broke into your locker and found love poems inside addressed to her, but you keep telling him that those were to your aunt Jessica and they weren’t love poems, they were just thank you poems for being such a nice aunt.

The truth is, I’m at peace with Boozer. I don’t want to retire his number or anything, but I sure as heck wouldn’t mind having him come rollerblading at the VF Factory Outlet with me and Andris Biedrins.

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Thanks for the questions everybody!