Jimbo’s Mailbag – Jerry Sloan’s Commencement Speech

A young Jerry Sloan

Here at Salt City Hoops, we’re occasionally accused of being too analytical. Basketball is a fun sport, they say, and we’re being too objective about it. Jumbo Rudding, on the other hand, is not analytical. He is zany. He is infamous for his out-of-left-field basketball jokes and opinions. We’re thrilled to have him contribute a mailbag each week on Salt City Hoops. Interested in submitting a question to Jimbo’s mailbag? Email it to Jimbo at mailbag@saltcityhoops.com or tweet @JimboRudding to appear.

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Q: Does Jerry Sloan do commencement speeches? Kids need to hear about not jackpotting their way through life now more than ever!

–@SpamIsDelish

I really hope Jerry does commencement speeches. I would actually sit up and pay attention if he were the one giving the commencement address. Just the anticipation of him laying down a giant swear mid-speech would be pretty exciting.

Because I love to make lists, here are a few things I would expect Jerry Sloan to say at a commencement speech:

• “You can’t graduate in a tuxedo.”
• “I don’t want to go through every last gory detail, but let’s just say my math teacher learned a valuable lesson that day about putting story problems on his quizzes.”
• “Listen, if you don’t want to try hard in life, then maybe you should go %#^# in a barn for a while until the %^$&% gets cold and you have to use sheep shears to #$%# get it back to a normal size!”
• “There’s no “I” in team, but if you thought that there was, you probably shouldn’t be graduating today.”
• “When I was your age, I had to walk seven miles to the bus stop, catch a bus to the seedy part of town, walk another seven miles until I got to school and then turn right and then a few miles later I would arrive at the 24-hour arcade!”
• “Never fry bacon in the nude!”
• “Yes, I used to shoot bottle rockets at elderly people in wheelchairs at the park. So what?! That was years ago. What are you wimps gonna do about it now?!”
• “Sure, life gets crazy sometimes. I remember one particular time after a game, Karl, John, and I went to Denny’s for a late-night meal and Karl did this thing with a few straw wrappers that got John laughing so hard his hot chocolate came out of his nose. Then Karl started laughing so hard at John that it made him sick to his stomach and he threw up his Grand Slam in the parking lot.”
• “Don’t make the mistake of thinking you’re hot %$&# just because you can do science.”
• “NEVER stop studying! I once gave one of my assistant coaches a concussion using a clipboard because he forgot what ‘hedging a screen’ meant.”
• “Yesterday is over! Today is your tomorrow!”

Q: Little known fact: Steph Curry is the son of beloved ex-Today Show host Ann Curry. You think ABC reports on this during the Finals?

–@FakeReadanDiary

If they want to get those ratings numbers up, they will. I don’t know about “beloved” though. There’s really only one “beloved” and that’s Bob Costas. It’s funny, even after he got pink eye, we all kept watching wishing we could hold him and tend to his ailments like a mother hen would her chick with pink eye.

Once Curry starts hitting puberty and getting acne, people will start looking at him differently. We saw the same thing happen to the Olsen twins from Full House and Screech from Saved by the Bell. The “cute” card can only be played for so long.

Q: Do you have any fake potential #12 draft picks that I could get my friends pumped about? Real guys seem sorta boring.

–@the6bees

GREAT question! I personally know a TON of guys that could be draft sleepers this year. I consider myself a draft sleeper every year, but usually not until the middle of the second round…LOL…ha ha…ha…hmmm.

These guys aren’t well-known in the basketball world, but they ARE well-known in my own little world. I really think these guys could be game-changers if a team out there would just give them a chance on the big stage:

• Hans Steinbruchenfelder – This German sharpshooter is only 25 years old and has been cutting my grandma’s lawn since he was 16. He has awesome measurements: 6’10”, 165 lbs. with an 8-foot wingspan. He recently lost 160 lbs. with Weight Watchers and has a TON of excess skin that can cause problems if it isn’t tucked away properly before he takes the court.
• Resh Geech – He’s already 37 years old, but has tremendous upside. He’s been playing pick-up ball on Saturdays and has almost mastered the behind-the-back pass. He currently has a warrant out for his arrest, but he says it was just for some light B & E back in 1998. He’ll take care of it.
• Mike Smith – Born in Japan to Mexican parents, Smith is one of the quickest dudes I’ve ever seen without the ball. One of the knocks on Smith is that he insists on wearing an arm sleeve on his head like a do-rag. Everyone says it looks like he’s playing basketball in a nightcap. He’s still lightning-fast with or without the do-rag, in my opinion.
• Joshuash Siderado – “Shash,” as we in the warehouse call him, can do a reverse dunk on a nine-foot rim almost every time. He has giant soft hands, for an arthritic with leprosy, AND he can dribble without even looking down at the ball. Also, he’s 34% blind in both eyes.
• Hayden Flack – He’s only 8 years old, but I have seen him do some flip-dunks on his trampoline that even Lebron would freak out about. He loves Teddy Grahams and he HATES baths. The craziest thing about Hayden: he already wears a size 24 shoe, but his mom thinks he should knock it off and just agree to wear a size 10.
• Broachoal Frump (pronounced “Braw-nit Fraw-ump”) – I swear this guy is going to be the next Dirk. Not Dirk Nowitzki, Dirk Benedict. *****First person to tweet me and tell me what TV show Dirk Benedict is from will automatically get an RT and also a free Sundance summer lift ride with me. (Holding hands is optional.)*****
• Shimmy Kokobop – Holy moly can this guy defend! To this day, he has NEVER lost a game of one-on-one to his kids. He loves wood-working in his garage and scaring neighborhood toddlers with his finger stumps. He has great lateral quickness without the aid of a walker. With the walker he is a defensive juggernaut, but sadly, the NBA does not permit the use of aluminum walking aids during games. One day, Shim.

Q: I’m thinking of putting a picture of Enes Kanter on my dartboard. Any other suggestions?

–@CjChaze

What!? Why would you do that??? Enes is a class act and has never done anything to deserve…OK, sounds like a good idea to me.

It’s so sad. Kanter could have been a Jazz fan favorite if he had only played defense and shut his pie hole. Never mind that he couldn’t grow a full, supple beard. Jazz fans would have eventually forgiven him for that. I do have to say that Kanter is doing an amazing job in the playoffs. I really think if he stays healthy he has a chance to win the championship this year.

Here are some other suggestions for your dartboard:

• Jim Les
• Mark Jackson
• Michael Jordan
• Derek Fisher
• Rony Seikaly
• Dick Bavetta
• Jim Les
• Derek Harper
• Kobe Bryant
• Phil Jackson
• Orlando Bloom
• Matchbox 20
• Seal (the musician)
• Seal (the animal)
• Jim Les
• Ricky Davis

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Thanks for the questions, you guys! Just heard I’m in the running for the “Best New Mailbag that Mentions 24-Hour Arcades” award. So excited! I wouldn’t be here without you guys. Really, thanks!