Welcome to the next edition of Jimbo’s Mailbag! At Salt City Hoops, we know that covering a team without any humor can be dreary. As such, we decided to add a little bit more levity to our site via Jimbo’s unique outlook on the world of Jazz basketball. Jimbo, by virtue of being recently featured in the Deseret News, is now the world’s most famous Utah-based basketball mailbag artist. Interested in submitting a question to Jimbo’s mailbag? Email it to Jimbo at email@example.com or tweet @JimboRudding to appear.
Q: Now that the world thinks LeBron kills coaches, have you cooled on him? If so, who is your new 2016 target in free agency?
No way, brother! I’m always looking for ways to entice LeBron to sign with the Utah Jazz. I know for a fact that he likes it here because last time he played the Jazz he was smiling a lot and he pointed towards the sky as if to say, “Hot dang, Salt Lake City, you’ve outdone yourself once again!” Plus, I heard rumblings that the Miller family contacted him last summer and promised to install numerous fire pits in his backyard if he promised to sign with the Jazz. At the end of the day, I guess it just wasn’t enough fire pits.
This year I’m focusing my efforts more towards Kevin Durant. Word on the street is the only teams he is willing to talk to are the Lakers, Thunder, Knicks, and Jazz. A source told me that he doesn’t think too highly of the Lakers because, and I quote, “they’re dumb.” (This quote wasn’t actually from Durant, but instead was from the source himself, my neighbor Dave. Dave hates the Lakers and is NOT a great source, so I would take this with TONS of grains of salt.)
Whatever happens in free agency, the Jazz NEED to bring in a veteran to help all these young players learn how to close out games and win in the playoffs. The only playoff experience we have on the team is being swept in four games by San Antonio. That’s scary when you take the time to really sit and think about it, which I have just done.
Q: Are you as tight with the Jazz players as you are with the Dunk Team? And Jazz Dancers? Can you hook me up?
Define “tight.” If tight means that you’ve been to dinner with a few of them and played video games at their house before, then no. If it means you’ve patted one of them on the shoulder once and frequently mutter, “What was that?!” while watching games on TV, then YES!
The Jazz Dunk Team are my bros! We’re so tight that sometimes we spend weekends just drinking Mountain Dew Code Red and thinking of some gnarly new dunk routines. I would step in front of a train for each and every one of them.
As far as Jazz dancers go, I am prohibited from inserting myself into their personal lives anymore. I’m not sure what happened. I thought they all thought of me as a fun, single, middle-aged next door neighbor. I have a feeling it was probably Britney who said something to management. She’s been hecka irritable ever since she broke up with Hayden. She recently thought I was trying to “get all up in her business” just because I was going through her backpack while she wasn’t looking. It’s like, try being a little more uptight, Brit!
Even though I can’t physically introduce you to any of the dancers, I CAN give you a little background information on the ones I think would be fun to get to know better. Here they are:
I’m sorry I can’t actually introduce you to them, but I hope this list helps a little. They really are great girls. Some of them are a little quirky, but we’re all doing our best to get through this never-ending corn maze we call life.
Q: The Jazz shooting poorly and Allen Handy wearing acid wash jeans. Coincidence? Do you have some inside information on this?
@bwfanzzz and @RileyOJazz
I’ve noticed that every time Handy wears that purple and silver Jazz jacket (see last week’s Jimbo’s Mailbag for more on that jacket), the Jazz don’t play well. I don’t think he understands what he’s doing to the team when he wears it. He’s probably like, “The Jazz’s poor play has absolutely nothing to do with my jacket.” And see, that’s where you’re wrong, Allen. It has EVERYTHING to do with your jacket. In fact, it could be the jacket and jeans combo. We don’t really know because you won’t take the time to experiment with different outfit lineups! Come on, Allen! How are we supposed to improve as a team if you refuse to accept the possibility that you’re playing a part in their downfall?
Q: Did you take my puka shell necklace again?
Ummmm, Uncle Dale, I told you, I stopped wearing puka shell necklaces back in 1997! If you really want to know where it is, why don’t you ask your precious son Jason? He’s ALWAYS taking stuff off of your nightstand. I told him I’d never tell you, but I’m getting sick of being blamed for his crap. By the way, that time you had to bail him out of jail after being arrested at the city library wasn’t because of “extremely overdue books.” It was because he drank three Jolt colas and wouldn’t stop climbing up all the book cases.
So, there you go. That cat’s out of the bag now. I hope you and Jason can find a way to get past this.
Q: Are you, @Mikeyvp and @SCampbellSBN ever gonna do the Utah Jazz Podcast again or is it dead? Have you ever seen Spanglish? Dope movie…
First, I wanted Spanglish to be better than it was. I’m a fan of Adam Sandler in curly hair and serious roles, but this one didn’t do it for me. I don’t know if it was because there wasn’t enough Spanish or too much English. Whatever it was, I have a hard time accepting it as good 21st century art.
The podcast…hmmm….Oh, you mean the first-ever, longest-running Utah Jazz podcast ever? Yeah, that was pretty great, wasn’t it?
I refuse to believe it’s dead. I’ve told Mikey and Spencer time and time again that I’m ready to cast some pods whenever they are. The problem is, jobs, kids, illness, and episodes of “My Two Dads” on YouTube get in the way sometimes. Couple that with the fact that the team isn’t winning as much anymore and you have some really poor excuses for not doing a weekly Jazz podcast.
I’m going to talk to them one more time and see if I can revive the passion. If I’m successful, you’re going to see a VERY unhappy David Locke in a month or so when we start shooting up the official podcast rankings.
Q: Who’ll be the next Jazzman to get a statue and what’ll he be doing? Would Gale allow a fan-built one made of SpaghettiOs cans?
The next Jazzman to get a statue will be Jerry Sloan. At least it should be. Jazz fans should count their lucky stars that Jerry stuck around as long as he did. In fact, go ahead and count your unlucky stars too. Count em! I just did and there are 1,223 of them. One for every Jazz win he coached.
I just got off the phone with the Jazz front office and they talked to Gail and she said she WOULD approve a SpaghettiO can statue, but ONLY if it’s a statue of Jim Les.
Other possible Jazz statues include:
Thanks for the questions this week, you guys! Also, thanks for making this the most-read nonsensical Jazz mailbag on the internet! Again, remember to tell your aunts, uncles, and cousins so that they can enjoy the mailbag just as much as you just did. When you tell them, say, “Ya feel me?” a lot. Make it weird.