Jimbo’s Mailbag – My Arena Name Suggestions

Photo by Melissa Majchrzak/NBAE via Getty Images

Q: Treys parents used Twitter to defend his low minutes. What was the most embarrassing thing your parents did to you?

@hadleyjazzboy

Q: Would Alfonso Burke the 3rd play better if he didn’t have Alfonso Burke the 2nd wasn’t meddling in his life so much?

@bobbEdigital

Q: So, Trey’s parents remind me of the time my parents told everyone I would revolutionize the font industry because I had good penmanship in 2^nd grade. What’s the deal?

@Steeleman77

So this is how we’re starting this week’s mailbag, huh? OK, I’m game.

Listen, to some extent I understand why Trey’s parents are so rabid when it comes to his performance and playing time. They are mega-proud of him, as we all would be if he were our son. Also, Trey returned to Michigan where he played the best basketball of his life, so you know he had TONS of friends and family in the arena to watch him play.

I don’t have a problem with Trey’s parents getting online and defending their son’s play. We would all do the same thing if we let ourselves read things about our family on the internet. The problem the Burkes have is the same problem we all have. We all live with at least a tiny amount of Delusional Reality Syndrome. (I looked it up; it’s a real thing.)

Let me show you what I mean. Here is a very detailed timeline of the thought process of the typical sports-loving adult:

• Birth – Doctor tells your parents that you are in the 98^th percentile for height and the 112^th percentile for girth. This is ideal birth stats for an NFL linebacker.
• Early childhood – Your father/relative/friend introduces you to a sports team and you become fiercely loyal to said team throughout your youth.
• Adolescence – You begin to collect sports cards and buy posters and decide on which player you will love the most.
• Preteen – You start playing the game yourself and a coach/parent/teammate says you are pretty good at one aspect of that game.
• Teen – You start believing that not only are you elite at that aspect of the game, but you are above average at EVERY aspect of the game. Also, you hope some girls see you playing and are very impressed and want to watch The Princess Bride and hold hands with you.
• Late teens – You play high school sports and find out you are mediocre at every aspect of the game. You pass biology only because your dad finds out about your grade, calls your teacher, and threatens to sue.
• Early 20’s – You decide you probably aren’t the best to play the sport, but your still think there’s a chance that a random coach or scout could drive by and is VERY impressed with your beautiful form or how effortlessly the game just comes to you.
• Mid 20’s – You decide you are the worst athlete ever, but you’re not terrible at math so why not be an accountant?
• Late 20’s – You work as an accountant and wonder how good you could have been at the sport had you just done a few more push-ups and sit-ups.
• 30’s – You have your first son and the minute you lay eyes on him you cradle this sleeping, gentle angel in your arms and you know without a doubt that this young soul has come into this world so that you can teach him how to be the best at a sport.
• 40’s – Your adolescent son is irritated at you because all you talk to him about is sports and all he wants to do is to be left alone so that he can listen to Taylor Swift and play in his room with his action figures in peace.
• 50’s – You begin to realize that your son is not very good at sports and you are getting older and grosser looking and you decide sports are a waste of time and money.
• Rest – You occasionally sit and watch your favorite team, but your favorite player is long gone and your team never does what you think they should in order to win. You know best because of your vast experience watching sports, but no one listens to you are boring and your hearing isn’t what it used to be.
• Death – You die and your sports team keeps losing and your son starts a successful heating/air conditioning company.

You see? It takes us years to figure out that we’re not as great as we think we are. Maybe for professional athletes and their families it takes longer to realize this than the rest of us?

Q: Next year with Exum back who will be the odd PG out?

@codydreng

First of all, great question Cody! And thank you for contributing to the most open and honest mailbag about the Utah Jazz!

Now, when you say next year you mean next week, right? I’m pretty sure Exum’s scar has fully healed now so Quin Snyder will most definitely want to get him on the court as soon as possible. Dante is only 20 years old, so all of his ACL’s and MCL’s and ATM’s should be VERY flexible and resilient. His young, healthy body is capable of healing itself faster than probably 74% of most human beings right now, which is pretty depressing when you think about how I’ve had this pain in my lower back every single morning for the last 12 years and I’ve decided I will probably go to my grave with it.

It is a little hard to answer your question without a few questions. Like first, who is available at point guard at the beginning of next year? Were there any trades during this year? Did the Jazz draft another point guard in the draft?

If we have Exum, Neto, and Burke at the beginning of next year, Exum will for sure be the starter. In fact, I would even go as far as to say that Burke may be the third option if Neto just keeps getting better from here. It seems like Quin likes what Neto brings to the team as far as distribution and running the offense. The overall reason why Exum and Neto would play over Burke is that they are more successful defending the pick and roll. However, you have to take into consideration that I don’t really know anything about basketball. I just watch and root for the team with the coolest-looking uniform.

Q: We all know Enes Kanter won the Jazz Halloween Costume contest dressed as Raggedy Ann last year. Who wearing what wins this year?

@SpamIsDelish

Actually, I didn’t know Kanter won last year. In fact, I don’t think I even knew they had a contest… wait… oh OK, I see what you did there. Bravo!

Ugh, just thinking about Kanter right now gets my juices flowing… in a bad way. The cruddiest thing about the Kanter situation is that he will probably have a great year with OKC because his incredibly bad defense will be hidden behind incredibly good offense and everyone will start talking about how the Jazz got worked in that trade.

As far as this year goes, I think Joe Ingles wins wearing a bald cap and fake goatee and going as Walter White from Breaking Bad.

Q: So sad to see the Energy Solutions name go! Will the nacho cheese still contain the mild radioactive flavor we all love?

@the6bees

I too was a little sad to see the name “Energy Solutions Arena” go. It seriously was like a big brother to me. Don’t you worry though. I’ve made some phone calls and shot off some emails and it looks like the nacho cheese flavor stays! I count this as a giant victory in the fan vs. edible concessions conflict.

When I caught wind that the Energy Solutions naming contract was ending, I decided to submit a few ideas to the Jazz just to make things easier in their search. Some of my suggestions were shot down in a hurry, but I like to think that they gave a few of them some serious consideration.

Here are a few of the suggestions I sent in:

• Classic Skating Palace
• Training Table We Ain’t Gone Yet Arena
• Beto’s How About Some Diarrhea at 2 a.m. Garden
• Lagoon No One’s Died Since ’88 Coliseum
• Chuck-A-Rama No Throwing Up in the Bathrooms and Coming Back for More! Center
• Hogle Zoo Our Animals are Happy Arena
• Novel Are We Still a Thing Pit

I guess the Vivint SmartHome Solutions, or whatever it’s called now, will work fine for the time being. I just hope they give Classic Skating an honest shot next go around.

Q: Who is heading up the bring Lebron to the Jazz effort this year?

@64ink

Oh, that’d be me. I’m actually the President of the LeBron to the Utah Jazz club. We meet on Wednesday nights at 7:00 pm in my grandma’s basement. Please bring chips or a dessert.

I have served on many clubs and committees during my tenure as the zaniest Jazz fan who ever lived. Some of those include:

• CP3 to SLC club
• John Lucas III to Literally Anywhere But Here club
• Big Al is Horrible at Defense committee
• Boozer Skin Restoration task force
• Jim Les is the Worst council
• Bring Back the Note Logo bureau

Those are just a few of the organizations I have worked with in the past. The club I currently head up is the Bring Back the Chocolate Mints at the Door After a Win club. We’re seeing tremendous progress.

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Thanks for the questions, you guys! This was probably the best mailbag yet. I seriously wouldn’t be surprised if it goes viral. I’ll let you all know.