Jimbo’s Mailbag – My Worst Jazz Memories

AP Photo/Rick Bowmer

Q: What is the over/under for the season on in-game murderous glares from Quin Snyder?

@joel_hiller

I, for one, welcome the Quin Snyder glares. It seems to be a GREAT motivator for the players. He gets this glow about him that says, “There is no Coach, only ZUUL!”

As far as how many murderous in-game glares we will see this season — I’m going to go with lucky number 15. Below shows how each glare breaks down, as far as the player involved and the amount of glares that player gets during the season:

Rodney Hood — Glares next year: 1. Rodney will most likely have at least one more of those moments where Quin Snyder has to take him aside and yell, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT THERE?! YOU ARE RODNEY ‘PRINCE OF THREES’ HOOD. SHOOT THE BALL!!!” However, that should be sufficient for Rodney to remember how he played the last half of last season and snap out of his reluctance to shoot the ball.

Tibor Pleiss — Glares next year: 4. “The Big Toblerone” has a number of things going against him this season. First, he’s a rookie and has zero experience with the Jazz offense and style of play. Second, he will need to get stronger and put on weight. Third, his name is “Tibor.”

Alec Burks — Glares next year: 2. Alec will have a lot of rust to start the season. Plus, he will need time to catch up to the rest of the team when it comes to understanding Snyder’s defensive strategies. Burks also sometimes has a tendency to wander on defense and I could see that causing minor problems in the beginning of the year. Once he gets back in the routine, it shouldn’t take him long to thrive. I’m expecting BIG things from Alec this year and he knows how disappointed I get when my expectations aren’t met.

Trey Lyles — Glares next year: 3. Just like The Big Tobe, Trey is a rookie and he’s going to have some growing pains. However, Trey won’t waste a minute on his crying because we’re nowhere near the end. The best is ready to begin. Oooooo. As long as we got each other. We got the world spinnin’ right in our hands, baby, you and me. We gotta be the luckiest dreamers who never quit dreamin’. Once the season ends, I guarantee we’ll be sharing the laughter and love.

Trey Burke — Glares next year: 5. And the winner with the most amount of in-game glares from Quin is Trey Burke. Most of the glares he will get this year will be out of frustration that he just isn’t Dante Exum. Hopefully Trey won’t take any of the glares personally and will recognize early that a portion of each glare is also directed at Dante’s flimsy ACL.

Q: If you re-cast a sitcom from the 80’s or 90’s using the current Jazz roster, which sitcom and who plays each part?

@spaffoo

No question, I would go with Full House. Not only was it one of the greatest sitcoms of our time, it has since morphed into a giant slice of Americana. I tip my hat to the creators of that spectacularly amazing show.

Here are a few Jazz personnel re-cast in Full House roles:

• Danny Tanner — Quin Snyder
• Uncle Joey — Joe Ingles
• Uncle Jesse — Alec Burks
• DJ — Gordon Hayward
• Stephanie — Derrick Favors
• Michelle — Dante Exum
• Comet — Jazz Bear
• Aunt Becky — Crystal (Head Jazz dancer)
• Kimmy Gibbler — Jim Les
• Woodchuck puppet — Trey Burke
• Wilson the Neighbor — Allen Handy
• Norm — Gary Briggs
• Theo Huxtable — Derrick Favors
• Hawkeye — Rudy Gobert
• Steve Urkel — Jim Les

Hope I remembered everybody. Writing about the Jazz players makes me miss my old familiar friends. Not too much longer until they’re all in town. They’re waiting just around the bend. Everywhere you look there’s a face of somebody who needs you.

Q: There’s talk that the world might end soon. What two people do you want to share the post-apocalyptic world with and why?

@SLCJuanB

This is so sad to me. I had so many things I wanted to do and see before the end. I never got to spit off of the Eiffel tower, visit Pearl Harbor, or toilet paper my own house and while cleaning it up in the morning, angrily point at every car that passed by. Oh well, c‘est la vie… or at least c’est la apocalypse, right? Ha ha ha LOLOLOLOL… ha… hmmmmm.

I really hope it’s not a zombie apocalypse because I could see myself losing motivation to keep living pretty quickly. Ugh, all that running and camping and whatnot. Maybe that’s what makes picking the right two people that much more important?

After nearly two whole minutes of thinking about this, the two people I would want to share post-apocalyptic life with the most are probably my neighbor Jeff and “Super Dell” Schanze.

And now for my heart-stopping explanation:

My neighbor Jeff is one of those guys who LOVES the outdoors. However, he lives in a house, so how much could he really love it? Am I right? Anyway, I assume he could build us a nice lean-to and catch us some delicious jackrabbits for sustenance or whatever. He DOES talk about Van Halen a lot and I could see that getting annoying. He’s a good guy, though.

The apocalypse game-changer would be Super D (that’s what I’d call him). Think about it. He would have access to TONS of guns and paragliders, which would be PERFECT for escaping enemies and/or killing prey. After our long glide to Washington D.C. he would use his advanced computer knowledge to get the country’s mainframes back online. Plus, if we got bored, we could just fly around in our gliders kicking as many owls as we wanted and “the law” wouldn’t be able to touch us!

Q: With Bavetta making the Hall of Fame it brings back bad memories of those bad Finals calls. What other bad memories do you have?

@bc_barrow

Dick Bavetta! Dick M&$(#*&%&!@ Bavetta! That guy made me cry tears out of my face when I was only a young, strapping lad. Now that I am an old, strapping man, those experiences made me give up on emotions altogether. I find them unnecessary.

Here are a few of my bad Jazz (and other) memories in no particular order:

• Gordan Giricek gets sent home after arguing with Jerry Sloan about defense and also why the singer from REO Speedwagon had such crazy hair for so long.
• Ricky Davis misses on purpose trying to get a triple-double.
• Derrick Favors “allows” Dirk Nowitzki to slap the ball away.
• Jim Les plays for the Jazz.
• Michael Jordan is clearly hungover and everyone assumes he has the flu.
• Bryon Russell signs on and allows the Michael Jordan one-on-one shenanigans to actually happen in Orem.
• When I said, “Can I just pay extra for a double McRib?”
• Wesley Matthews signs with Portland.
• Meeting a surly Deron Williams.
• My roommate telling me he wants to do bunk beds again after only having them down for a little over a week.
• Carlos Boozer “heard a pop.”
• Jason Hart/Brevin Knight

I guarantee I will think of dozens more in a few minutes. I’ll save those for another mailbag.

Q: Who would you like to see on the receiving end of a “below the belt” punch from Gordon? Maybe top 5 recipients?

@Mikeyvp

Let me just go on record here and say that I do NOT condone any sort of violence whatsoever. Unless, of course, it is part of an AWESOME television show or movie on Netflix.  Then by all means, keep it comin’! Now, by “below the belt punch,” I’m just going to assume you mean “a stern talking to.” Hope that’s okay.

In that case, here are the top five recipients of Gordon Hayward’s VERY stern tongue lashing:

1. Dick Bavetta — If I had it my way, this tongue-lashing would last 17 years because that’s how long it’s taken me to even begin to get over his 1998 Finals flubs.
2. Tom Nissalke — Coach Tom Tom needs to be instructed on how to clear his throat. Maybe it’s just my old radio, but every time I hear Coach Nissalke talk, I feel like he’s getting over a cold or just ate a bunch of Wheat Thins.
3. Randy Rigby — I love Randy, but if it takes Gordon screaming at him to bring back the chocolate mints at the door after a win then that’s a price I’m willing to pay.
4. Jazz Dunk Team — I would be totally okay if Gordon took them all aside and gave them the business for mailing it in most nights. I know they can do better dunks. I’ve seen them with my own two eyes. Either shape up and give us the good stuff or don’t even bother clocking in anymore!
5. Matt Harpring — I don’t care if it’s Gordon or Dennis or anybody else for that matter. I just think SOMEONE should be asking Matt why he takes so many games off without telling anyone. I mean, at least give Bolerjack a call so he can let us know you’re all right, Matt. Buddy, we’re not mad, we just want to know that you’re safe.

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Thanks for the questions, you guys! Remember to tell your neighbors about the mailbag and also to start thinking about winterizing those sprinklers.