Welcome to the next edition of Jimbo’s Mailbag! At Salt City Hoops, we know that covering a losing team without any humor can be dreary. As such, we decided to add a little bit more levity to our site via Jimbo’s unique outlook on the world of Jazz basketball. Jimbo, by virtue of being recently featured in the Deseret News, is now the world’s most famous Utah-based basketball mailbag artist. Interested in submitting a question to Jimbo’s mailbag? Email it to Jimbo at email@example.com or tweet @JimboRudding to appear.
Q: What are some things that Jazz fans can do to bring good luck before the NBA draft?
Before the actual draft, we have to first band together and use our luck for the draft lottery. We’re just over ten days away from finding out where the Jazz will be picking in the 2015 NBA draft. It would be pretty amazing if the Jazz can win the lottery and go from picking 12th in the draft to picking 1st. There’s approximately a 0.000064 chance that could happen, so…they’re saying there’s a chance!
For years, I would complain that the Jazz never got lucky in offseason drafts and free agent negotiations, but then 2011 came along and we won the third pick! Unfortunately, that pick was used to get Enes Kanter, whom the Jazz severely disrespected by allowing him to go out there and be horrible at defense and also haircuts. Oh well, at least he still likes Utah’s mountains.
During the playoffs in 2007, I decided to wear every single article of Utah Jazz clothing I owned while watching the series with the Houston Rockets. It was extremely difficult trying to stay cool during the games all while balancing seven different Jazz hats. But, you know what? It worked; the Jazz won the series, so who looks ridiculous now, Uncle Dale?!
For the lottery and draft this year, I will be making my own rabbit’s feet while wearing a horseshoe around my neck while simultaneously eating a salad of four leaf clovers. So basically what I’m saying is, if the Jazz don’t have a great offseason this summer it’s all my fault.
Q: Love seeing that KIA, Gatorade, Gold Bond Jock itch cream, and PopTarts are all NBA official products. Any official mailbag products?
This is a great idea! There should be an “official space heater of the Jimbo Mailbag.” I think I would love that mostly because if there is an official brownie of the Jimbo Mailbag, then they would most likely send me free stuff and I get hungry while responding to mailbag questions. Here is a list of companies or products I would LOVE to have sponsor the award-winning Jimbo’s Mailbag (my grandma sent me my grandpa’s old bowling trophies):
Let’s be honest though, I don’t get lucky like that. I’m exactly like that guy who spills a bunch of Pepsi in the crotch of his pants during lunch, shrugs his shoulders, and heads back to work. I’m pretty boss like that.
Here is a list of the companies or products I would assume would have to be manipulated into sponsoring the mailbag:
Either way, I would be overwhelmed and VERY appreciative toward anyone who would be interested in sponsoring. Yes, even Merv.
Q: Why the hate for Jim Les? Is it because he’s white, short, unathletic, and therefore gave you false hope about your NBA chances?
Ugh, don’t get me started on Jim Les. That guy did more for the downfall of the Utah Jazz than all three of Derek Fisher’s lies put together.
Actually, I don’t have any reason to dislike Jim Les. I’m sure he’s a stand-up guy who probably gives to panhandlers and calls his mother. You know what, Kurt? You’ve convinced me. I’m ready to just turn over a new leaf; forgive and forget. From this day forward, I officially announce my Jim Les fandom. Go Jim Les!
Q: Now that it’s been a few weeks, do you think Dante Exum is brave enough now to take it to the rim?
GREAT question! I hope Dante has used the last few weeks to reflect on his season of passing and shooting threes, and figured out how he can at least try to get to the rim and finish layups. I really hope that Dante is on a strict diet of three Costco rotisserie chickens and two bottles of ranch dressing a day. It also wouldn’t be bad if he had a giant guy smack him around a little during layup drills.
If that has been happening, then I would say Dante is ready to be a driver next year.
Q: Chicken N Fries can get pregnant! Did you know animals and fast food could mate? Also is Hedo Turkoglu the future of the Clips?
First, let’s start with the chicken n’ fries. Listen, I’m not the healthiest of humans, but I AM the 5th-healthiest, so I feel like I am authorized to give an intelligent response to this question.
I decided long ago that I was never going to be enticed by any other new Burger King products. The last time I ate there I had the jalapeno-almond pancakes and that was a HUGE mistake. I vowed then and there that I would NEVER allow myself to be persuaded again by clever fast food marketing. Besides trying the Asparagus McFritter in the late 2000’s, I’ve done pretty well at staying away.
Now, to Hedo Turkogoluglugulu. Is it just me, or does he look a little too much like Quasimodo? I know that seems like a pretty mean thing to say, but I’m not talking about looks. I’m talking more about his shot. Not a lot of people know, but Quasi’s shot was pretty hunched and goofy looking.
To be honest, I thought Hedo was retired until I saw him limping around the court the other night. Good for him for being thick and calloused enough to stick in the league this long.