Welcome to the next edition of Jimbo’s Mailbag! At Salt City Hoops, we know that covering a team without any humor can be dreary. As such, we decided to add a little bit more levity to our site via Jimbo’s unique outlook on the world of Jazz basketball. Jimbo, by virtue of being recently featured in the Deseret News, is now the world’s most famous Utah-based basketball mailbag artist. Interested in submitting a question to Jimbo’s mailbag? Email it to Jimbo at email@example.com or tweet @JimboRudding to appear.
Q: Leading up to the draft I imagine you hear a lot of rumblings going around. Care to share?
You know me, I’m always willing to share my rumblings. In fact, some would say I share my rumblings too much. Like, when people are walking behind me at the mall. (I know what you’re thinking, but don’t misunderstand me—I like to turn around and share rumors I’ve heard with people walking behind me. That’s it.)
As you may know, I have sources who work closely with the Jazz front office. These sources have been invaluable in my journey to becoming the first one to know things and the one who gets to tell everyone else. For the first time ever, I’m going to reveal the identity on one of my sources close to the front office. His name is Stan. He is a 56 year old sweetheart of a man who is in charge of replacing the community water bottles in the entire Vivnit Energy Smart Solutions Home Center Arena.
Stan said that while he was replacing a water bottle in one of the main conference rooms at the Zion’s Basketball Center he began sifting through some papers on the table and came across a list of potential European players in the draft. He didn’t recognize the names, but from what he could tell the list contained players who may be those “under the radar” types that other teams aren’t paying attention to or don’t know about.
Stan made a quick copy of the list and said he would give it to me if I promised to buy him Zootopia on Blu-ray and let he and his kids jump on my trampoline once a week. I thought that was a pretty good deal, so I accepted. Later, when we went to go buy the Zootopia, he saw Grease 2 in the Wal-Mart $5 DVD bin and made me buy that for him too. I was cool with it, though.
Anyway, here is the list that he took off the conference room table:
I hope I don’t get in trouble for sharing this information. I just feel like fans deserve to know, you know?
Q: What are the Jazz planning to do with the arena improvements?
I don’t know about you, but I am SO excited for the arena modifications! Not that I don’t appreciate the Delta Vivint Smart Solution Arena the way it is. I mean, it’s served us well and held up very nicely, but it’s also 25 years old. That’s the equivalent of 113 dog years, which is a VERY long time for a dog to be alive let alone a place where we gather to watch giants play basketball still be standing.
That means that if the arena were a person, it’d be graduated from college and a full-fledged architect perfectly qualified to start designing its new self. Now that’s amazing!
As far as what the Jazz are planning to do with the arena–I’m going to share with you some inside information that I have just received from one of my other sources. That’s right, for only the second time ever I’m going to reveal the identity of one of my sources. He’s my nephew Teagan. He is 18 years old and works in the concession stand near portal H.
T-dog recently gave me some valuable insight into what the Jazz might do to improve the game-experience for all Jazz fans. He said he’s recently heard guys in suits who like to hang out near portal H talking about the renovations and how “sick” they’re going to be. Teagan said it was pretty embarrassing listening to them try and use teenager slang, but everything they said about the arena sounded legitimate.
Why do I trust Teagan? Because he’s a good kid and a good listener. He very patiently sits and listens when I go on my tangents about how the moon landing was a hoax because the human brain is incapable of understanding that kind of math or how squirrels have really good memories…but that’s a whole different mailbag.
Anyway, here’s the list of things the Jazz are planning for the arena:
Q: Any truth to the rumors on christiantoday.com that the Lakers will trade D’Angelo Russell to the Jazz for Gordon Hayward and David Favors?
First of all, they called him “David” Favors, so this seems like a legitimate website. One that has credible writers who have done intense research and proofreading. It’s cool, we all make mistakes I guess.
To answer the question–I’m sure the Lakers would be fine with that trade. And why not? Back in 2008 they traded Kwame Brown, Aaron McKie and a few of Magic Johnson’s old knee pads for Pau Gasol, which resulted in a couple of championships. So, it makes sense that the Lakers can decide to deal another crappy player for the two best players on a small-market team. After all, the NBA needs the Lakers to be good or else it is in real danger of going bankrupt.
(I hope the sarcasm is coming through on this one. Sometimes tone gets lost in wording even though I was laying it on pretty thick.)
Q: With the draft I can’t decide if I should study team roosters or rosters. Which is it? Spelling always gets me in trouble.
I know what you mean. Speling and righting is tuff stough.
Don’t study team roosters; they abolished those back in 1963 when Red Halleburger’s eye was pecked out during a practice. It was an unfortunate tragedy because Red was projected to be a dead-eye shooter…(Mic drop. Mailbag’s done. Everybody go home!…OK, don’t. Keep reading.)
If you want to be totally prepared for the draft, do what I do and follow these nine simple steps:
Q: How are the Catvalia rehearsals coming along?
Q: If I tweet at you, can I get free tickets to Catvalia?
Man, word is spreading rapidly about my new amazing cat show Catvalia. It’s actually the MOST amazing show and I appreciate everyone checking in and asking for updates.
Here’s the skinny—my cats aren’t quite ready for the big stage yet. It’s been almost four days since I started training them and things aren’t going the way I had hoped they would. It doesn’t matter how much licorice I give them, I’m only able to get one of the 74 cats I own to do a back flip, and that was with me helping a LOT.
To make matters worse, Sparkles and Gubers have some sort of stomach problem and aren’t allowed on the mini-trampoline anymore; three of the younger cats have developed some sort of leg problem that causes them to limp and it just doesn’t quite want to heal; Sammy and Worcheshire have PTSD from last July 4th when the kid next door tied a few of those ground blooming flowers to their tails; and Marbles, Fred Astaire, Hickey, and Cheech all refuse to participate in the show–they are SO over it.
I’m not one to get discouraged, though. I promised tens of people an amazing show and come heaven or low water, Catvalia will go on as planned by October.
Q: Who are your top ten least attractive NBA players of all time?
This is a hard question to answer because I’m not really attracted to any of them. I mean, some of them I guess I wouldn’t mind holding hands with if we were both lonely and the Titanic soundtrack was playing or something, but other than that I don’t really pay any attention to looks at all.
But if I was forced to compile a list, then I’d probably have Jim Les be at least eight of the ten.
Thanks again for all the questions, you guys! Remember to tell the park rangers at the entrance booths to all the National Parks about Jimbo’s Mailbag. After every sentence, start rubbing your temples and then say, “Ugh, this headache!” Make it weird.