Jimbo’s Mailbag – Opening Night Starters

How long into the new season will it take before all four of Alec Burks, Rudy Gobert, Derrick Favors, and Gordon Hayward are on-court for the Jazz? [Melissa Majchrzak NBAE/Getty Images]

Q: OK, preseason is over. Who are your opening night starters?

@drawsmalls

It’s true; preseason is over. The Jazz wrapped up preseason with an 89-81 loss to the Oregon Lasers. Gobert had 12 dunks and Hayward spun the ball on his injured finger to show the coaches and fans that it doesn’t hurt anymore…I mean, I guess that’s what happened. How should I know? It wasn’t televised and I wasn’t there, so I’m getting all of this from what Tanner put on Facebook. Tanner is this guy I used to work with when I was 17. I remember he’d call his friend at work a few hours after he went home and ask him to clock him out because he “forgot,” so I guess take everything I just told you with multiple grains of salt.

It’s pretty ridiculous that the game wasn’t televised, right? I mean, what year is it, 1924? It’s like everyone inside the arena was living in the present and the rest of us outside the arena were all transported back in time to a day where people actually listened to sporting events on the radio. Like, without actually seeing it.

Maybe this was all part of the Jazz’ses’s plan to make us appreciate what we have more and to keep all five of our senses strong? If that was the plan all along then, wow, touché Jazz!

Back to your original question–the starting lineup I can almost guaranteed will be Hill, Hood, Johnson, Favors, Gobert. If Favors isn’t ready, then I guess I’d go with Diaw. But he will be ready. I mean, we can’t continue to have these bizarre injuries, right? We’re finally healthy, right? It’s our year, right? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha…ha…ha………hmmm.

These injuries are driving me crazy. If I were the Utah Jazz’es head coach, I’d think long and hard about putting one random person in the starting lineup just to mess with the other team. You know, like a distraction so that they start the game all confused and flustered. Here’s a quick list of people I’d consider starting:

• An elderly usher
• The guy who played Buddy Lembeck on “Charles in Charge”
• My Uncle Dale (he cracks his knuckles a lot and it can be very distracting)
• One of the women mentioned in Mambo Number 5
• Chelsea Clinton
• Chelsea Clinton’s baby boy
• The lady at Wendy’s who called me “honey” and upgraded my Frosty size for free
• A teenager who keeps his room clean and uses his time wisely
• An older woman wearing a few gorgeous broaches
• The skater boy that Avril Lavigne wrote that song about
• The kid that says “The dishes are done, man!” in Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead (*****Tweet me the name of the actor who played that kid and I’ll RT it, follow you, and then tell your parents you’ve been making excellent choices lately.*****)
• Papa John
• Costco employee of the month
• Walt from LOST
• The PC Laptops guy

Q: Which Jazz or Stars player (Neto) are you most looking forward to watching play this year?

@JJForman1

I love Neto’s game, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he sees considerable time in the D-league this season. I’d even consider going to a Starzz game just to watch him play. But only if it was free and I had nothing else going on that night…and someone gave me a ride…and bought me Hostess Donettes on the way there…and also on the way back.

Speaking of Neto, I had a chance to meet him the other day at this hecka-amazing party the Jazz threw me to say thanks for all the Jimbo’s Mailbags. I just want to say that Raulzinho Neto is one handsome man! I mean, I’m as straight as you can get, but if he wanted to watch Grey’s Anatomy and cuddle, I’d probably stay for one episode. Two tops.

The Jazz player I’m most excited to see play is probably Boris Diaw. That dude’s passing is très bien! Plus, he could be one of the keys to winning close games. Someone has to be. I can’t take many more of these heart-breaking losses.

Q: What’s the one question you’re surprised no one has ever asked you?

@halloweenhead

Wow, I’ve never had that question before…so, maybe that’s the one? Okay, maybe not.

I’m surprised no one’s ever asked me about my most embarrassing moments. I know this doesn’t have anything to do with the Utah Jazz, but so what? Nobody’s forcing you to read the best mailbag in town so why don’t you just find another mailbag!?!?

OK, I’m sorry. Come back. I didn’t mean it. I just get so nervous right before I tell people about my embarrassing moments…and it’s just all these injuries, you know?

So, what are some of my most embarrassing moments? Well, I’m so glad you asked! Here they are:

• In Yellowstone, I threw up red Kool Aid in the blue hot springs. The whole pool turned purple.
• I threw up during the tug of war at a family reunion and my team slipped in it.
• I saw Jim Les play basketball once and I threw up on the court.
• In high school, my friend and I told our parents that we were eating dinner at the other’s house so that we could go to an unchaperoned party, but then we found out that both our moms were making Stove Top for dinner and we ended up eating so much Stove Top that later we threw up at the party.
• I ate a bad Outback bloomin’ onion and ended up throwing up in my date’s purse.
• During prom I felt really sick after eating some sushi. I didn’t actually throw up, but I did have a VERY violent burp while dancing to Lady in Red. It hurt my chest and popped my eardrum and my date had to drive me to the ER.
• I tripped and fell down a flight of stairs in front of a TON of employees and customers at RC Willey and then threw up on a very expensive leather sofa recliner.
• I played Winthrop in my high school’s rendition of The Music Man and I threw up while singing “Gary, Indiana.”
• During a job interview I was asked what my greatest weakness was and before I could answer the interviewer threw up. I didn’t know what to do so I just answered his question while he was being sick. Right after I said, “I think it’s that I sometimes work TOO hard,” I started throwing up too.

Q: What’s this year’s version of “Ty: No.”?

@gothedistance49

Ty meaning “Ty Corbin?” And “No” meaning don’t do that? I hope that’s what you mean. If not, my deepest and sincerest apologies.

One thing’s for sure—Quin is already a better coach than Ty Corbin. However, Quin ain’t no Red Auerbach. Wait…Red Auerbach was a basketball coach, right? It SOUNDS right, but as I say it out loud it also sounds like a brand of cigarettes. Ugh, I don’t know my basketball history as well as I should. I only really started watching basketball games from start to finish this preseason. I like watching the whole thing; it’s been fun.

I guess what I mean is, Quin Snyder is a good coach, but we have to remember that he’s also a young coach. Sometimes the decisions he makes aren’t always going to be the right ones. We as fans, have to be okay with that. After all, nobody’s perfect. We all could improve something. Take me, for example: from the outside looking in someone might say that I’m an expert at dressing myself. However, they don’t see me holding my breath while tying my shoes or buttoning my pants. They don’t know what a struggle it is to take off my sweatshirt while keeping my t-shirt down so as not to expose my gross mid-section in public.

So what could be this year’s “Ty: No” as I understand it? Probably Quin Snyder’s subbing in late-game situations. Or if he decided to hire Ty Corbin as an assistant coach.

Q: What’s the deal with Derrick Favors? Like, really, where is he?

@Steeleman77

Yeah, I don’t get it either. I guess injuries are no respecter of persons or times of the year. Who knew?

I really don’t want to do this whole injury roller coaster again this season. It’s bad enough that Hayward broke his finger and won’t be ready to play until right before opening night. My body just can’t go through another year of tension like that. I’m too old and tired.

Seriously though, when injuries get ridiculous, I get to a point where I take a step back and try and understand why I get so riled up about giant humans throwing a ball through a circle. In the grand scheme of things, does it matter who wins or loses? Of course not. Will life go on? Yes, it will. Will people keep reading even when I ask predictable questions to myself? The likelihood of anyone making it this far is almost nil.

Thanks for the questions, Jimbronies! Remember to tell all your kid’s friends about Jimbo’s Mailbag. Do it right before saying, “Isn’t it about time for you to go home?” and then chugging WAY too much Pepto Bismol. Make it weird.