Welcome to the next edition of Jimbo’s Mailbag! At Salt City Hoops, we know that covering a team without any humor can be dreary. As such, we decided to add a little bit more levity to our site via Jimbo’s unique outlook on the world of Jazz basketball. Jimbo, by virtue of being recently featured in the Deseret News, is now the world’s most famous Utah-based basketball mailbag artist. Interested in submitting a question to Jimbo’s mailbag? Email it to Jimbo at email@example.com or tweet @JimboRudding to appear.
Q: Is there a chance of a “Stockton Shorts” night for the Jazz, or did Green and Burke establish why this is no longer possible?
I’m not going to touch the Draymond Green/Trey Burke example… both literally and figuratively.
As far as the Stockton Shorts night goes — I’m in. That’s the style now anyway, right? …Actually, I don’t know anything about style. I still peg my pants.
Even though I don’t know the style these days, I still know a good “washing the car on a Saturday morning” pair of shorts when I see some and the Stockton shorts would be perfect for that. Those shorts, coupled with my mesh 8th grade football jersey that still fits me would definitely make working in the hot summer sun more bearable. I’d rather not be a distraction for my neighbors yet again, but summers in Utah can be brutal!
I’ll contact the Jazz front office and see if we can’t set the Stockton Shorts night idea in motion. I’ll let you know what they decide.
Q: While you reviewed arena plans with Gail, did she mention if my idea for a leftover casserole concessions stand made the cut?
Sadly, I regret to inform you that your casserole idea has not advanced to the taste-testing round of the new arena concession discussions. I ran the idea by Gail and she immediately made a sad face and then gagged a little. Better luck next time they totally remodel the arena.
Your idea got me thinking–you know what would be cool in the remodeled arena is if they brought back restaurants that used to be in Utah. For example, I would eat at the arena 100 percent of the time if they could convince Fuddruckers to come back.
It’d also be hecka cool if they were able to bring in restaurants that aren’t currently in Utah. For instance, Whataburger, White Castle, Brown Castle, or Jack in the Box. No two things would go better together than a Hayward jumper and a Sourdough Jack.
The only other thing on my remodeled arena wishlist is a Batteries Plus so that I can just pick up my batteries while I’m at the game instead of making a separate trip. You know, two birds and one stone and whatever.
Q: Where can I get a 1992 USA Gymnastics Olympic jacket? Also, how do you feel about child leash backpacks?
Um, you’re only allowed to ask one question per entry. Sorry, but thems the rules. I’m afraid I’m going to have to throw both of these questions out and unfortunately you wont every be allowed to attend a Jazz game again. …ha ha J/K LOL. I TOTALLY had you going there for a second. You should’ve seen your face!
Thanks for the two great questions, Loaf!
First, let’s answer the question about the jacket. I have actually never seen a 1992 Olympic gymnastics jacket. Though I HAVE found myself up at night thinking about how cool it would be to see one in real life. They are extremely hard to come by. I guess they only made a certain amount. Sad.
However, ten years ago I met a man in Phoenix and purchased the original jacket and leotard worn by Kerri Strug when Bela carried her to the medals podium in the 1996 Olympics. The colors were a little faded, but overall they were both in great condition. The leotard doesn’t fit anyone in my family (we all tried it on) so we’ll probably just have that framed. But the jacket fits all 11 of my kids, so I imagine we should get some good use out of it.
Now, as for child leash backpacks—I’m all for ‘em. I’ve learned from experience that the last thing you want to do when you leave your house is to misplace your child. I’ve also learned that you don’t ask strangers to wear the backpack while you run in to buy some Cold Stone. Trust me, that’s never a good idea.
Q: You ever feel like mailing it in for the mailbag because we should be mad Hayward would’ve totally made the Olympics?
Glad to know you don’t think I “mail in” Jimbo’s Mailbag every week, because I don’t. I give each question at least 30–60 seconds of intense thought before I even begin to answer.
I, for one, am glad Hayward didn’t make the Olympic team. He needed the rest what with his plantar fasciitis and new baby and whatnot. Plus, the Olympics lasts for two weeks; that’s a long time to be away from his barber.
To some extent, I’m also glad Hayward didn’t make the All-Star team or get any other NBA accolades. He needs to play with a chip on his shoulder this upcoming season so that he can shock the world and lead his team to a championship.
Q: Have you heard the rumblings that Derek Fisher wants to play again?
Yeah, I did hear that. When they first reported it I thought they were lying. Then I was like, “Is this true?” and then I was all, “Are they kidding me?” and then everyone was like, “This has to be a lie, right?”
Before Derek tries to make a comeback, I think he should ask himself these questions first:
Once he has the answers to those questions, THEN I’d make a decision whether or not to come back and play.
Q: Since no NBA news—quick question about Flo of Progressive: Is it weird that I get a small rash every time I see her? Am I in love?
No, that’s not weird and YES, you are very much in love. In fact, an annoying rash is usually the first sign of love. At least that’s what happened to me. I got rashes around my eyebrows and on my lower neck area the first time I saw Reese Witherspoon in A Far Off Place wearing that gemsbok vest. Usually applying hydrocortisone cream to your problem areas and also your non-problem areas will help.
Love is a strange thing. It’s like an invisible force that makes us do things that seem totally normal at the time, but that we will eventually regret. One minute love can make you want to go into a crowded mall and give everyone a giant hug and the next minute it can make you want to go into a crowded mall and buy a whole bunch of those remote control helicopters from a 16 year old at a kiosk for no reason whatsoever.
The first time I fell in love was in 3rd grade. Jennifer MacLeod. I’d sit in class and just watch her write cursive and do fractions and whatnot. It eventually got to the point where I couldn’t take it anymore and I had to tell her how I felt. The problem was, I was incredibly shy and didn’t know the first thing about how to talk to girls. So what I ended up doing was drawing a picture of me and her kissing on the swings. However, I wasn’t a good artist and the picture looked more like two turtles jump-roping. She saw the picture and was confused and for the rest of our school days she would describe me as the “really quiet kid who likes turtles.” It all worked out though because in 11th grade she accidentally farted in home ec class and never really lived that down. Another win for karma, I guess.
Q: How come John Stockton Ave goes like 100 blocks while Karl Malone Boulevard goes half a block then turns into Japantown St.?
You know, I’ve never really thought about that. Maybe it’s because Stockton retired first? Or maybe Kris (@5kl) was right and it has to do with the fact that Karl signed with the Lakers and the Jazz never forgave him for that.
There are worse things than Karl Malone boulevard turning into Japantown, though. Like, it could dead-end right smack in the middle of the Pioneer Park bathrooms. That would be horrible.
Q: What will be Boris Diaw’s favorite buffet item at Chuck-A-Rama? Man, I bet he is STOKED.
The best thing at Chuck-A-Rama is the bread pudding. Mmmmmmm wet bread. My favorite! It is SO GOOD!
I could see Boris liking the rolls. They have that cinnamon butter too. Wash that down with a glass of chocolate milk and he’ll be ready for the season.
The truth is, I don’t care what his favorite buffet item is so long as he brings his A-game this year. I really think Diaw could be the key to this bench working. If he’s motivated and ready to take on a veteran role, that could be the difference between the Jazz being a great team instead of just a good team next year. However, you have to take into account the fact that I don’t really know that much about basketball and just barely figured out that it was the referees who were the ones always blowing those whistles during the game.
Q: How should the Jazz honor Harambe this year?
Oh Harambe. Why did you have to leave us so soon?!?!
From what I’ve been hearing from the Jazz front office is that there IS something planned for the home opener. I guess since the bear is like a nephew to the gorilla they thought it made sense to have the Jazz Bear honor him in some official way.
I’m hearing that they’re planning on giving away t-shirts with a picture of Harambe and the words, “Never Forget.” You’ll have to get to the game early though because they’re only giving them away to the first 1,000 fans who are dressed in gorilla suits and who make realistic gorilla grunting noises while entering the arena. Heads up–they will NOT accept the traditional “ooh ooh, aah aah” stuff.
At the first timeout during the first quarter of the game they’re going to dim the lights and Donny Osmond will sing his 1989 hit “Soldier of Love” and dedicate it to Harambe’s memory. The Jazz Bear will then enter the court and use the t-shirt gun to shoot heads of lettuce, Harambe’s favorite treat, into the crowd.
It sounds like a very moving tribute and I for one wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Q: Is there a chance the Jazz sign three kids on top of each other to the SLC Stars?
Only if the Stars have some long, trench coat uniforms this year. Up until last month I believed that Tibor Pleiss was actually two teenagers standing on the other’s shoulders inside some sort of lifelike human suit.
Q: If there was a Jazz biopic movie, which player would Tom Hanks play?
I would have to say Olden Polynice. There was so much drama with Polynice impersonating an officer back in 2000. That would make a good story. Plus, Hanks is such a versatile actor that I’m sure he’d have no problem playing a giant man impersonating a police officer. Castaway 2 anyone???
Thanks for the questions, you guys!!! Sorry it’s been so long since the last mailbag. I promise, from here on out I will release a mailbag every week (unless I have to travel and life gets busy and/or other funner things come up).
Remember to tell your pizza delivery guy about Jimbo’s Mailbag. Do it while pretending there are a ton of kids running around and then apologizing for all the kids running around. Make it weird.