Jimbo’s Mailbag – Playoffs Predictions, Luring LeBron & Jazz Secrets

Just thinking about that PB&J (game still)

Jimbo Rudding, our resident mailbag artist, is in playoff form. Jimbo provides our regular dose of levity here at Salt City Hoops, answering reader questions with his signature blend of creativity, humor and unabashed fandom. You can submit questions to Jimbo at mailbag@saltcityhoops.com or by tweeting to @JimboRudding. Can I get an RT for that?

Q: I have a multiple choice question for you. Will the Jazz win in:

1. 4 games
2. 5 games
3. 6 games
4. 7 games
5. None of the above

@mahalkasi1

This is a great question. I really need to take some time to think about it. I really want to get this right, so I’m going to go for a walk and maybe have a glass of Ovaltine before I answer.

…

OK, I’m back. I took my glass of Ovaltine on my walk with me. It got warm and had a funny taste at the end. My neighbor Greg stopped me to chat about rototilling his yard and how when he was a kid he used to call it “rototurding” because afterwards it would leave all those little… you know what, I probably don’t need to go there. Suffice it to say, we discussed yard work.

Now back to answering your question—actually, have you ever noticed that the word “question” has the word “quest” in it? Like, when we ask questions, we’re just on a quest for answers. Ha, never noticed that before. See? It’s the little things like that that don’t get noticed or talked about enough. They really can make a difference if you think about it.

OK, sorry, back to your question— ugh, hold on, someone’s at the door.

…

It was Greg. He wasn’t being careful using his nail gun and shot a nail through his earlobe again. He wants me to take him to the hospital, so I’m going to go ahead and say it: Jazz in 6.

Q: If LeBron James signs with the Jazz, do you think he will reach out to you and take you up on your offers?

@kelibark

Yes, I do. If there’s anything I know about LeBron, it’s that he takes people at their word, and I do what I say I’m gonna do (unless I forget). Also, another thing I know about LeBron is that he can REALLY dunk a basketball with authority. In fact, if he DIDN’T have authority, the NBA would probably kick him out of the game for dunking the basketball so violently. A lot of people don’t know that you have to be authorized to dunk the basketball like that. It’s in the NBA rulebooks. There are four of them.

I really haven’t spent much time lately trying to recruit LeBron James. It’s not because I’m not interested. It’s because, well, I’m just not sure the Jazz really need him. Don’t get me wrong, he’s the best on the planet at putting a leather ball through an iron circle, it’s just that the Jazz are a “team” and I don’t know if adding a King is always best for the kingdom, you know? I’d almost rather ride this group out and maybe try and add certain pieces that will help the team as a whole.

That being said, wouldn’t it be awesome if LeBron was on the Jazz?! In my last message to him I said that if he signed with the Jazz we would have volunteers take his cars in every year and take care of their safety and emissions. He then sent a message back saying that he would like it if we could weed-eat around our I-15 on- and off-ramps. It’s a strange request, but really, why not do it if it’ll get us a King, right? Plus, I’ve been paying more attention while driving, and yeah, our on-and off-ramps could really use a once-through.

Q: What are your top five predictions for the Thunder series, in order from least likely to most likely?

@joel_hiller

1. Russell Westbrook is going to get upset about something – Call me crazy, but I’d bet my pristine collection of Garbage Pail Kids that Russell Westbrook, at some point in this series, will NOT appreciate a call from the referees and have a scowl on his face.
2. Carmelo Anthony will look old and out of shape – Carmelo was a nice player for most of his career, but these days he just looks disinterested and slow, which coincidentally is how I feel when I watch him play.
3. Ricky Rubio will struggle – Listen, I don’t want it to happen, but it’s his first playoffs and from what they tell us, the playoffs are entirely different from the regular season. Rubio’s had a great second half of the season (seriously, I was ready to trade the guy in December), but I’d be surprised if he doesn’t struggle in the first couple games. Then again, you have to take into account that I don’t know much about basketball. In fact, I just learned what a “field goal” was the other day. So, again, take whatever I say with multiple grains of salt.
4. None of the players on either team will be out partying too late – Utah and Oklahoma are probably two of the most boring places for 20-year-old millionaires. Unless, you’re a 20-year-old millionaire who likes to use wrist rockets to shoot at discarded paint cans in a field.
5. One of Steven Adams’ stray hairs will get caught in another player’s mouths – This has actually happened in the last 32 straight games, which is an NBA record. When it happens in this series, I wouldn’t be surprised if it leads to a shoving match or other altercation. It’s just gross.

Q: Please rank the following: Jazz getting No. 5 seed, JJ Barea not making the playoffs, taco trucks, Trapper Keepers, Rudy Gobert wins DPOY, Chevy commercials, Anne of Green Gables, Angel Hair Pasta, Quin Snyder COTY, Back to the Future 2.

@BardenPembleton

I’m going to assume you mean rank them from best thing ever to pretty cool thing, right? OK, here we go:

1. Back to the Future 2 – My motto is—whenever you rank Back to the Future 2 in any list, it always wins. No questions ask. I’m serious. Don’t ask why.
2. Quin Snyder COTY – Dude deserves it. That run the Jazz went on after the Atlanta road loss is one of the most epic things I’ve ever seen as a Jazz fan. They went 29-6 after that, and that was with ZERO All-Stars. That hasn’t happened since Josiah Burkonch led the Des Moines Minks to the ABA championships in 1924. Give Quin the award already. Amazing!
3. Trapper Keepers – I know Trapper Keepers may seemed ranked a little high here, but what can you say about these that hasn’t already been said? The pockets, the folders, the three-ringed binder, the Velcro flap—all extraordinary features that can keep even the dumbest pre-teen organized.
4. Jazz getting 5th seed – Don’t get me wrong, getting the No. 5 seed is great. However, when you could’ve had the third seed by winning one game, the fifth seed doesn’t seem that great. 
5. Chevy commercials – I just love the “Like a Rock” song. I used to sing it to my kids to get them to go back to sleep when they woke up with nightmares. Worked every time…much like Chevy vehicles.
6. RUDY DPOY – Again, I love Rudy Gobert, but what I love even more is “angry Rudy Gobert.” I almost hope he doesn’t win so that he will play more angry all of next season.
7. Angel hair pasta – It’s so delicious that sometimes I wonder if it’s made from real angel’s hairs. Don’t worry though, it’s not. At least, I THINK it’s not… I don’t know, I guess it could be. I’ll look into it and get back to you on this one.
8. JJ Barea not making the playoffs – I used to be the biggest Barea hater in all the land, but I think I’m finally over being mad at the guy. It’s kind of satisfying seeing him have to play on a bad Mavericks team with an old, rickety Dirk Nowitzki.
9. Taco trucks – I’m really not that into tacos. I can barely eat two, let alone an entire truck made out of a taco.
10. Anne of Green Gables – Who’s this Anne and why are her gables green? She should probably have a doctor check that out. You do NOT want your gables to get infected. Believe me, my grandpa’s turned green and he had to have part of them amputated.

Q: URGENT. Do you think that Paul George is more of a PB & J guy or a tuna fish sandwich guy? I think figuring out the answer to this might be the key to the Jazz winning this series.

@UtahJazzyman

I don’t know. He strikes me as more of a PB & J guy. Not sure why.

As an “extra,” here’s a story about one of the craziest things that every happened to me at Lagoon:

There I was, having a great time at Lagoon with my girlfriend. We were both 18, had just graduated high school, and enjoying a carefree summer before college started and we were thrust into the “real world.”

It was a hot day, so we decided to go on the haunted house ride together to cool down. Right smack dab in the middle of the ride, my hat fell off. My girlfriend and I hadn’t been dating very long and I was super self-conscious about seeing me with hat hair, so I slid around our lap bar and jumped out of the car to retrieve it. My plan was to grab it and hop back in, but it’s really dark on the ride and those cars go faster than you realize. I jumped out and felt around where I thought it had fallen, but it took me longer to find it than I thought.

When I finally did find it, I turned around to hop back in and realized that I was already multiple cars behind and our car had gone around a corner and into another room. I decided to jog next to the cars until I found my girlfriend and then hurry and slip back in before any of the Lagoon workers caught me. The problem, again, was that it was extremely dark in there and I was somewhat disoriented.

Anywho… long story short, I caught up to our car and jumped in. When the ride ended and we exited the dark room and back into daylight, I looked up and saw my girlfriend standing at the exit waiting for me with a disgusted look on her face. Then I looked over and I was shocked to see that I had been holding hands with 40-year-old woman whom I had never met.

To make matters worse, no matter how much I explained what had happened and apologized for my confusion, my girlfriend wouldn’t believe that it was an honest mistake. It got so bad that we broke up later that night. It was probably for the best though, because for some reason she always smelled like vinegar and I never realized how much it bugged me until she wasn’t around anymore.

The weirdest part of this whole story is that I actually ran into the 40-year-old woman I had held hands with at the grocery store about a week later. We got to talking and eventually exchanged phone numbers. We started dating off and on for six months or so until she broke up with me out of the blue for no apparent reason. I mean, she said it was because she was sick of me always taking her to Lagoon on dates. There is NO WAY that is true though, because that next October I saw her holding hands with another guy at Frightmares.

Q: With all the coverage of the jibber jabber from superstar Trey Lyles on that Richard Jefferson podcast, do you envision other former players revealing more secrets about the Jazz?

@the6bees

Yes! In fact, former Jazz players have been spreading secrets and gossip all over the league for decades now. I’ve been privy to many Jazz secrets for quite a long time now, and since most of them are fairly old secrets, I’m gonna go ahead and assume they’re okay to share now.

Here’s the dirt that former Jazz players used to spread all over the league after they left the Jazz:

• Raja Bell told multiple players around the league that in 2010 he discovered that most of the Jazz cheerleaders had never seen Forrest Gump. He became outraged that so many young kids were going about their lives not knowing the magic of this cinema classic. So, he allegedly invited all Jazz cheerleaders over to his house to watch it on his laserdisc.
• Shandon Anderson told Miami Heat players that the reason the Jazz’es’s arena music guy played so much Tina Turner music was because Tina used to have a thing for the Mike Brown “Bear.” It is well known among most arena ushers and concession workers that Tina wrote the song “Private Dancer” for Mike Brown.
• Jeff Malone allegedly had the idea for Hot Pockets WAY before they actually came out. He would drive his teammates crazy explaining how a pastry with food inside it would make a great after-school snack or even a sensible dinner.
• Gordan Giricek once got into a heated argument with a few teammates over an in-flight game of Yahtzee. Word has it, the argument was so intense that the pilot was notified and he sent the co-pilot back to warn them that if they didn’t knock it off, he’d turn the plane around and they’d go right back to Salt Lake City.
• Curtis Borchardt used to style his hair in the bathroom for almost an hour before each game.
• Keith McLeod would talk trash with other players, fans, referees, kids, mascots, and even the camera guys during games. His go-to subject was bragging about how many futons he owned.
• CJ Miles was really good at math and every year would offer to do his teammate’s taxes for fun.
• Phil Johnson and another assistant coach would often spend time watching Perfect Strangers reruns instead of watching film on the Jazz’es next opponent. 

Thanks for submitting questions, you guys. Remember to tell your neighbors about Jimbo’s Mailbag. Yes, even the ones who stay in their house all the time and don’t ever take care of their yard. Yell “DING DONG!” on their front porch as loud as you can if you have to. Take your shirt off and spray their windows with their own garden hose. Make it weird.