Jimbo’s Mailbag – Prepping for a Gobert Statue

October 12th, 2017 | by Jimbo Rudding

The real Rudy or a mannequin? We’ll never know. (Melissa Majchrzak via utahjazz.com)


Q: Umm… Dante Exum?


I know…and I don’t get it. What does this kid have to do to get a full season of good basketball under his belt? Dude had been ballin’ (that’s how the teens say, “He had been playing really well”) and now it looks like another season will be lost to injury.

I feel so bad for him. He was probably so excited to play consistent minutes and see what he could do after a full offseason of training. But now he has to wait, yet again, and just earn $5 million all season long while his body slowly heals itself. That HAS to be torture… mentally. Well, the shoulder probably hurts really bad too, but mentally it’d be torture.

I also feel bad for us Jazz fans. You could say that, in a way, our hearts were also “injured” when Exum went down. I mean, our hearts are already a little injured because of all the arena nachos, but that’s neither here nor there. It just isn’t fair for all of us, you know? We all know that life isn’t fair, but why can’t the game of basketball in our little part of the world just be fair for a few seasons? We may never know.

Why does this always happen to the Jazz? I get it, John and Karl pretty much played for 20 years straight, but come on basketball, throw us a bone here! Preferably a healthy bone that can play 82 games in a season and not break.

If somebody else goes down this year (KNOCK ON WOOD!!!) it may just be enough to break my Jazz-fan spirit. I could see myself becoming a “10 o’clock news Jazz fan” where all I do is watch the highlights and pretend to know everything about the team. Maybe that would be easier on my heart anyway?


Q: Could the new Gobert mannequin be used to remake the 1987 “Mannequin” film? They could call it “Mannequin Snyder.” I can smell the Oscar nod.


The movie “Mannequin,” starring Kim Cattrall and James Spader, is a classic. I first saw that movie when I was 11 years old and, let me tell you, it did things to me. Things I’d rather not discuss on a basketball website.

I had always been suspicious of mannequins even before seeing that movie. I’d walk through department stores with my family when I was young and I’d keep an eye on them, you know, just to make sure they didn’t move a little or follow me with their beady eyes and blank faces.

As a kid I had a very vivid imagination. At Parent-Teacher Conference, my teachers would always say, “Lil Jimbo has quite a vivid imagination. Have you considered sending him to a school for the gifted?” But my parents didn’t want to do that because they were afraid my imagination would get TOO vivid. Like, they were afraid I might start vividly imagining ways to program every garage door on our street to open and close whenever I wanted. Well guess what mom and dad, I didn’t need a fancy school for that, did I? Coincidentally, my first girlfriend went to that same gifted school my parents didn’t send me to. You guys wouldn’t know her.

Anyway, back to mannequins —

I haven’t yet made the Gobert mannequin’s acquaintance, but I hear it/he is pretty radical. If you think about it, which I have, this is just a dry run for when the Jazz build Rudy’s official statue after his 22-year Jazz career, right? By that time, the Jazz will have won four titles and be crowned the only team in NBA history to have caused LeBron James to cry sad tears out of his eye sockets.

Once the Gobert statue takes its rightful place next to the John, Karl, and Jerry Sloan statues, the Gobert mannequin will be but a memory. It’ll just sulk in the corner of the Jazz store until the lights go out and everyone goes home for the night. THEN it will come to life and saunter out into the city and manifest its statue jealousy by flipping intersection traffic signals upside down or rearranging books at the library so the spines face in on the shelves and other similar mischief.


Q: You think they changed the oil in the fryers during the renovation, or did they just add more bathroom stalls?


I heard rumors that they had special tarps that they wrapped the fryers in so that no sawdust would get into the oil. The last thing we all need is to eat fried sawdust.

I really hope they didn’t add more stalls. In fact, I hope they got rid of most of them. Maybe that will teach us all that we should’ve gone before we left like our mothers taught us. My own mom used to say “Either do our business BEFORE you go or bring an extra jacket that you can tie around your waist in case of an emergency.” Let me tell you, that bit of advice saved me at my senior prom.

Plus, if they took out all the bathroom stalls, they’d have room to put in showers for fans. Just in case the first half is close and fans want to run out and grab a quick shower before the second half starts. Or maybe after the game is over, fans will want to take a shower so that they’ll be fresh for the drive home? I don’t know, I’m just spit-balling here. The lesson we need to learn here is do your business before you leave and take plenty of showers.



Q: Word is a secret alternative jersey is soon to be released. Any scoop about what is on it?


I’ve heard it’s going to be a collage of the city. If I had to guess, I’d say it’ll be a drawing of the many places and things that make Utah great, such as:

  • Classic Skating
  • Crown Burger
  • Brine flies
  • Someone driving 57 mph in the fast lane
  • Some parents telling their 15 year old son that he can’t get his license until he earns his Eagle Scout award
  • A boy doing his eagle scout project with tears of rage in his eyes
  • A boy proposing on prom night
  • A family driving to Disneyland in a van
  • Ragnar stickers
  • A 72 oz refillable mug of Diet Coke

I’m telling you, if Nike can capture all of that on a jersey, those things will fly off the shelves.


Q: If God was one of us, would he look like [former Jazz center Kyrylo]Fesenko?


I’m going to go ahead and say no to this and here’s why – Fesenko frightened little children.


Q: Donovan Mitchell agrees to hang out with you next Friday. Do you go straight for Classic Skating? Or save that for the 2nd hangout?


I feel like one should be sufficiently prepared before they just saunter into Classic Skating and expect great entertainment. Donovan Mitchell is no different. I would probably want to sit him down and prepare him for what he is about to experience. I would gently explain that there’s a possibility he could temporarily lose control of his bowels because of the amount of magic and wonder inside a Classic Skating, and then I would suggest he either use the bathroom before he leaves or take a jacket that he could tie around his waist in case of emergency.

I’d save Classic Skating for our second hangout.


Q: If you had to choose one Jazz player to be your personal chef, who would it be and why?


Definitely Raulzinho Netinho. That dude would be salting some tri-tip on a skewer all day every day, just slaving away so that my body was full of the protein and iron it needs to consistently throw out some fire tweets into the late night.

Sure, Raulzinho has to eat healthy and stay in shape, but MY employer doesn’t care if I stuff my cake-hole with all sorts of meats and cheeses and cakes. In fact, they encourage it because they know how I get when I’m hungry and my iron’s low. The two unwritten rules of my workplace are–never put Jimbo in a corner and make sure Jimbo’s fed. Word is, everyone hates it when I’m cranky. At least that’s the rumor that the receptionist is spreading… right, Janice??? Don’t be shy. I know you read the mailbag!


Q: What do they do with the game file that they do not air? Are Boler and Harpring still calling the game but to themselves?


Utterly ridiculous that the Jazz didn’t find someway to air the two preseason Suns vs. Jazz games. Yet more evidence that the NBA really is a business and that money is what pulls strings and makes decisions. You’re right though, there has to be video of the game somehow. Otherwise, how would the team go over film? This “TV rights” nonsense is so confusing.

I do like to imagine Booner sitting at home listening to the game on the radio just like the rest of us and every so often blurting out, “OH BABY!” or “A SEMI-FAST BREAK!” or “IT CERTAINLY DOES, CRAIG!”

While we’re on the subject, I also like to imagine Bolerjack sitting in his brand new arena lounge area before games quietly reciting the lyrics to Warren G’s “Regulate” to prep his mouth and voice for a full night’s work.


Thanks for submitting questions, you guys. Remember to tell all the trick-or-treaters about Jimbo’s Mailbag. Do something crazy with your face so they don’t notice you’re putting clumps of dryer lint in their trick-or-treat bags. Make it weird.

Jimbo Rudding

Jimbo Rudding

I am a typical Jazz fan. I think Jordan pushed off, Derek Fisher lied, Bavetta cost us at least one game in the Finals, we should have drafted Tony Parker instead of Raul Lopez, and there will never be anything better than the Stockton to Malone days. I, along with Spencer Campbell @SCampbellSBN, started the first and longest-running Utah Jazz podcast on earth. I enjoy the in-of-doors and telling people a better way of doing whatever it is they're currently doing.
Jimbo Rudding

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