Q: I watched a very late preseason game. I fist pumped when Booker slapped Hibbert. I want a Neto Fathead. Do I have a problem?
Do you have a problem? No way! That was as crazy a game as you’ll see in the preseason. I too was fist pumping and grunting at the TV like it was a regular season game. While watching, the thoughts occurred to me, “If I care this much about winning a preseason game, the regular season is going to give me a stroke… did I leave the garage door open? I want some chips.” Hopefully I can keep my cool and refrain from throwing mini-pumpkins at passing cars like I did the beginning of last season.
I don’t want to get ahead of myself here, but from what I saw in the first two preseason games, I believe the Utah Jazz have a legit shot at a championship this year. Don’t get me wrong, a lot of things would have to fall into place for that to happen, including significant injuries on every other team, LeBron and Steph Curry getting chronic kidney stones, a genie granting three wishes to a a bunch of Jazz fans, and James Harden getting called for traveling/flopping a few times. I will never give up hope.
I know it’s only two preseason games, but here are my overreactions:
Q: Is Matt Barnes your new favorite non-Jazz player?
Ha! I understand where you’re going with this, but I can’t fathom a world where I would ever like Matt Barnes. I’m more indifferent than anything. I’ve never really enjoyed his game. Plus, he’s always been a member of good Warriors, Lakers, or Clippers teams who were always battling it out when the Jazz were decent.
But I know what you’re getting at — Matt Barnes allegedly beat up New York Knickerbocker head coach Derek Fisher because Fisher is dating Barnes’ ex-wife and Barnes does NOT like that. Plus, I guess Fisher has been telling people that Barnes is racist because he hates Greek food, which doesn’t make a whole lot of sense if you ask me.
What I find most interesting about this whole situation is Derek’s giant fall from grace in the last six months. According to the wide wide world of webs, which is the greatest thing ever invented, he filed for divorce last March and left his family in the middle of the night taking all the computers and even the Beanie Baby collection. How cold is that? You blindside your wife and family without so much as a goodbye in the middle of the night? Dang! I mean, at least leave a note. Plus, give those Beanie Babies a few more years and they could be worth millions!
I have concluded that I don’t know this Derek Fisher. The Derek Fisher I knew raced back from his sick child’s bedside in New York to win playoff games. The Derek Fisher I knew turned down millions of dollars to play for a mediocre team because he missed his family and they lived in a city with a better team. The Derek Fisher I knew was all class.
Say it ain’t so, Derek!
Q: How much time would Booker need to spend in Hawaii to chill down to Jack Johnson levels?
I’ve met Jack Johnson in real life and he is a sweetheart of a guy. The problem is, all of his 643 songs sound the same. How many songs can you write about dreams and eyes and pancakes? I can’t be falling asleep while at work, Jack. You’re going to get me fired!
If “chilling down” is what Hawaii does to you, then I would like to keep Booker as far away from the Aloha state as possible. The best thing about Booker is his “I don’t care who you are, this gonna be a battle, son” attitude. It doesn’t bother me if he gets into fights and gets suspended, as long as he never backs down to anyone. The Jazz have needed this kind of tenacity on the team since we had to rely on Earl Watson and John Lucas III to duke it out for us.
On a side note, how awesome was it to see Rodney Hood: Prince of Threes get into it with Kobe? I love Hood even more now that I saw him battle hard against someone he probably watched play when he was a kid. I just hope he does that to Harden and Thompson and all the other guys he’s going to have to guard.
Q: If you were head coach, what would your starting lineup opening night look like?
IF I were head coach??? Don’t you mean WHEN I am head coach? Actually… yeah, I know very little about basketball, so there’s absolutely no way I would ever be hired to coach it professionally.
If I were the coach this year, my starting lineup would include Dante Exum, which is still a big-time bummer to think about. OK, back to reality. Here would be my starting lineup for opening night:
PG – Raul Neto
SG – Alec Burks
SF – Gordon Hayward
PF – Derrick Favors
C – Rudy Gobert
Why would I start Neto? Because I’m a genius, that’s why! Besides that though, I think that Burke takes shots away from Hayward, Burks, and Favors. Plus, I’ve seen enough of Neto in two preseason games to know that he is a better defender than Burke and would get more steals.
I also wouldn’t be surprised if at some point in the season Rodney Hood replaces Alec Burks in the starting lineup. However, I also think that both Hood and Burks will finish a ton of games together this year.
Q: Do you do parties? How much does it cost to book you and who would you bring as your supporting cast?
I’ve been know to ruin a party or two in my day. Especially if you call family reunions “parties.” One time I put on an impromptu one-man show that had my grandpa crying and then laughing so hard he fell out of his wheelchair. Some of my family still hasn’t forgiven me for that. RIP grandpa.
I’ve been performing at parties for about four years now. I have a bunch of semi-famous people that perform with me. We mostly do adult versions of scout camp skits, and by “adult version” I don’t mean adult-themed, I just mean scout camp skits with adults instead of kids.
The cast includes myself, the guy who played Ben Seaver on Growing Pains, Michael J. Fox’s cousin, Sanjaya from American Idol, an older guy I met at Lowes with messed up fingers, and my Uncle Dale. Book us anytime. We only charge $11,000 per event.
Thanks for the questions again you guys! I’ve been doing this mailbag for over a year now and you guys are the reason it is the most successful Utah Jazz/crazy weird mailbag on the internet!