Jimbo’s Mailbag – Realistic, Dream, and Worst-Case Jazz Predictions
Sure, Jeremy Evans can dunk with #40 now, but is there a number that more truly represents his talents? (Photo by Joe Murphy/NBAE via Getty Images)
Editor’s note: Welcome to the next edition of Jimbo’s Mailbag! At Salt City Hoops, we know that covering a losing team without any humor can be dreary. As such, we decided to add a little bit more levity to our site. Interested in submitting a question to Jimbo’s mailbag? Email it to Jimbo at email@example.com to appear.
Q: What are your predictions for the Jazz this season? Realistic, dream, and worst-case.
– Keni N.
Great question Keni! Here are my predictions:
- I think realistically Allen Handy could be back and with longer, more gorgeous, blond hair than we could have ever imagined. I’m pretty sure we can all expect to see the hat on backwards as well.
- Kanter and Hayward will stop shaving for a few weeks and then go right back to shaving.
- We’ll all secretly wish we could be on the Kiss Cam, but then we’ll look over and remember we came with our friend Spencer and his wife would be mad if he tried to kiss me again.
- Also, if we’re discussing realistic expectations, then I think Pearl Jam’s Eddie Vedder will watch zero minutes of Jazz basketball this coming season.
- My dream Jazz season would be one where Coach Snyder pulls his car over because he sees me shooting hoops in my driveway and loves my form enough to sign me to a 10-day contract. Then, while in the midst of that contract, all the other coaches love my form as well and they’re like, “Well, clearly this guy deserves a shot!” Then they play me in a game against the Pelicans one night and I go off for 19 three-pointers and the whole arena thinks, “FINALLY, we have someone with great form!”
- Eddie Vedder then decides to move to Utah because he wants to live closer to my good form.
- Jimmer RTs one of my tweets because he notices the form on my threes.
- Greg Miller allows me to perform my halftime act where I bring out three weightlifters and they toss me to each other like an old football.
- The absolute worst thing that could happen this year is I fall from the upper bowl. I know that’s a pretty gruesome thought, but I seriously have nightmares about that. I guess if we’re going real worst-case here, then it would be that I fall on my entire extended family and Eddie Vedder and my family is seriously hurt and Eddie Vedder gets so mad that he decides to quit Pearl Jam and/or make an entire album about how he hates me.
Q: What is your favorite referee call?
– Andy L.
I like the charge call. However, it has to be the charge call where they do that little three hops on one foot and then one of those “Mr. Miyagi needs to wear catcher’s gear” kind of punches.
Q: Why is Utah obsessed with fry sauce? Is it a self-hate thing?
– Keni N.
I don’t think ALL of Utah is obsessed with fry sauce. The thing is, most of us Utahns don’t smoke cigarettes or do illegal drugs and so we turn to the next best thing—sauces for our fast food.
I knew a kid in junior high who would actually smoke fry sauce. Don’t ask me how he would do it, but he would. He’d light it up right in front of students and faculty; he didn’t care.
I remember one day Megan Archibald started hanging out with him and then before you knew it, all her friends started smoking the sauce as well. I was never tempted to try it, but I did like the second-hand fry sauce smoke because it smelled like the neighbors were barbecuing.
Anyway, long story short, his dad eventually caught him smoking the frizzy behind a Jones Paint & Glass and made him take kung fu lessons. I ran into him about seven years ago, coincidentally behind a Jones Paint & Glass. He didn’t look so hot and he wouldn’t stop talking about his three ferrets.
Q: What is your favorite gif?
My favorite gif is going to be Lebron James dejectedly walking off the court in the NBA Finals while Dante Exum, Derrick Favors, and I hug it out in the background. Well, I’m hugging them. They’re obviously confused as to who I am and why I have my shirt off.
Q: Kevin Love just chose number 0 as his number in Cleveland, which of course means “love” in tennis. What would appropriate numbers be for some Jazzmen?
– Andy L.
LOVE this question! Below are some of the Jazz player’s new numbers:
- Jeremy Evans – _ 9 – Because if the underscore is the rim, then the 9 is Jeremy’s arm about to dunk the ball.
- Jack Cooley – 0 – This number represents how many minutes Jack will play for the Jazz this year.
- Rudy Gobert – 11 – The number of blocked shots he should have per game.
- Gordon Hayward – 63,000,000 – I think this is self-explanatory.
- Trey Burke – 7 – Because it looks like a broken finger.
- Dante Exum – 11 – Because this means “11” in Australian.
- Rodney Hood – 3 – This is, of course, because he has the best nickname in the league: Rodney Hood: Prince of Threes.
- Enes Kanter – Alti – This is “6” in Turkish, which is the exact number of women who currently think they are dating him.
- Steve Novak – 712 – This is the number of three-pointers that Steve will have to make for me to purchase his jersey.
- John Lucas III – oooooo3oooooooo& – I know he doesn’t play for the Jazz anymore, but his new number represents the one three pointer he would make out of every 14 he would take. Oh, and the “&” symbol is him dribbling off his foot out of bounds.
Q: Forget Dante Exum’s first foray to the basket…what will be your reaction when Steve Novak cans his first trey?
I’m going to be like, “What the??? Just like John Lucas III used to do??? This team is somethin’ special!”
Then I’ll turn to those two old sisters who wear the pink jerseys to the games and the closest one will distract me by screaming and giving me a high-five while the other gets down on all fours and steals my popcorn.
Q: If you could ask Kevin Corcoran any question, what would it be?
Are you talking about Kevin Corcoran of Toby Tyler fame? If so, wow, he is one of my idols and I believe that his roles in Babes in Toyland and Swiss Family Robinson changed cinema forever.
If I could ask him one question, it would probably be: “Hey Kevin, do you think my collection of 642 Koosh balls will ever be worth any money some day?”
Thanks for the questions everybody. See ya next week.
October 2nd, 2015
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