Jimbo’s Mailbag – Season’s Over, What Now?

May 15th, 2017 | by Jimbo Rudding

Brent Asay via utahjazz.com

It’s not the offseason for our resident mailbag artist. Jimbo Rudding provides our regular dose of levity here at Salt City Hoops, and he does it by answering the burning questions to which Jazz fans just must have answers. You can submit questions to Jimbo at mailbag@saltcityhoops.com or by tweeting to @JimboRudding.

Q: Besides billboards, what are some nice gestures Jazz fans could do to convince Gordon Hayward to stick around?

@hadleyjazzboy

Thanks for the question, Garrett.

I think the “Stayward” billboard was an awesome idea. I’m all for going all in and doing big things to get players’ attention. For instance, a few years ago I brought my ventriloquist dummy (whom I call “Big Alfred”– no relation to Big Al Jefferson) with me to the Jazz’es’s practice facility to see if I could get Al Jefferson to autograph the case I keep him in. It didn’t quite work out the way I wanted it to, but Big Al DID notice me and now I’m prohibited from coming within 500 yards of him and his family So, win-win.

I’m jumping on the “Gordon is staying” bandwagon. Jump on with me, won’t you? It’s a little crowded with all these sane and rational fans up here, but I don’t think you’ll regret it.

I just can’t see Gordon leaving the Jazz. Here’s a list of reasons why:

  • He can make the most money if he signs with the Jazz and, to quote a line from that famous Barry Manilow song, money talks.
  • Jazz fans raised money for a billboard and then the excess went to his favorite charity. Who does that? LeBron didn’t even get that!
  • That one kid brought him Gatorade when he got food poisoning.
  • He just went to the second round of the NBA playoffs.
  • He became an All-Star for the first time.
  • The Jazz will announce shortly that the purple mountain jersey will be an alternate uniform next year.
  • Rumor has it, he LOVES Classic Skating.
  • He has the best yard. Very green and lush. The envy of the neighborhood.
  • I’m a little embarrassed that I used the word “lush” just now. My apologies if I grossed out or offended anyone.
  • The local scouts put up and take down an American flag in his yard every Memorial Day, Fourth of July and Flag Day.
  • The Jazz have the best center in the league.
  • The Jazz have one of the best defenses in the league.
  • Every year the coaches allow him to throw a basketball at a rookie of his choosing.
  • Utah has Top Golf now.
  • Coach Snyder is a genius and his hair-game is finally coming around.
  • The arena is being renovated and all the fans promised to keep it cleaner this time.
  • The Jazz get new uniforms and a new floor every 3-5 years.
  • I promised to come over and vacuum his stairs every Thursday.

Even after all that, I still think there’s room for a lot of Utahns to insert themselves into his decision. Here are a few things I suggest we as fans do to convince Gordon to stay with the Jazz:

  • Open up some clubs downtown so that the nightlife is poppin’ next year.
  • OK, I’m embarrassed for using the term “poppin’” to describe our potential nightlife. Sorry again.
  • Arrange for another person to vacuum Gordon’s stairs on the Thursdays I’ll be out of town.
  • Have someone give Gordon free oboe lessons.
  • Free babysitting for life.
  • Free babies for life…wait, no, this doesn’t even make sense. Unless, of course, he really does love kids…but, no, still doesn’t make sense.
  • Try to get Donny Osmond to introduce him to someone famous, like Pat Benatar or something.
  • Have RC Willey donate a TON of lamps to the charity of his choosing.
  • J Dawg deliveries anytime, day or night, rain or shine. (Except not during snowstorms. We don’t want to risk anyone’s life on a slick road because Gordon has a hankerin’ for a hot dog).
  • Sorry about the word “hankerin'” in the previous bullet point.
  • Convince the Jazz to redo the Jazz logo to whatever colors and shapes he wants.
  • Free braces for his kids.
  • Invite Gordon and his wife to the best, most non-judgmental book club we have.
  • Offer to winterize his sprinklers right around Halloween time.

 

Q: Hill, CP3, D-Will, Lowry, Millsap. Who do you want on the team next year and what kind of fire pits can we offer to sign them?

@JJForman1

As far as a fire pit goes, I would be more than happy to purchase a brand new fire pit for each of the men you mentioned. I would even bring the s’mores stuff if they wanted to get our families together for a barbecue or something. Their call.

That’s a good list there, Justin. Let’s address them one at a time:

George Hill – I really like Hill…when he’s not concussed and his teeth aren’t protruding from his bottom lip and his thumb isn’t bent the wrong way and his toe isn’t shredded like a block of sharp cheddar. He was amazing at the beginning of the year — borderline unstoppable. I love his length and his defense, but what I don’t love (besides his goatee) is that he doesn’t get a lot of assists. I’d take him back if the price was right, but I don’t want to handcuff the franchise for an oft-hurt 30-year-old point guard.

Chris Paul – CP3 would be nice, but he’d never play in front of the homers in Utah. Plus, he’s a whiny diaper baby sometimes and is capable of throwing epic tantrums that have been known to embarrass even the turdiest of toddlers. All that being said, I would welcome Chris with open arms. Heck, I would carry him on my back from California if I had to (and he let me get at least three months of CrossFit in first).

Deron Williams – D-Will looks to be a little more humble than the last time we saw him in Utah. I don’t know if I like him starting for the Jazz next year, but I probably wouldn’t mind having him come off the bench. I WILL say this—I do NOT want his autograph anymore. I was excited to meet him a few years back and when I did, he seemed uninterested and a little irritated that I tried to engage him in conversation. I quickly became embarrassed that he was dismissing me so I did what any self-respecting middle-aged man would do in that situation. I said, “Thanks for the autograph, Mr. Boozer,” and I left.

Kyle Lowry – Kyle is an amazing shooter/scorer who doesn’t get a TON of assists. He has a score-first mentality, which we won’t need if we have Gordon, Rudy, and Joe Johnson. Also, he sprains his ankle a lot and likes Depeche Mode… so no thanks. (Actually, I don’t know if he really does like Depeche Mode. In fact, I don’t really “hate” Depeche Mode. I mean, the song “Somebody” made me cry once, but that was in part because my girlfriend dumped me the day before Valentine’s Day.)

Paul Millsap – I would love to see what Millsap could do alongside Rudy. Paul could spread the floor and provide Rudy with tons of space to do his thing. Plus, Paul is durable. He doesn’t get injured often, and when he does, it tends to be a minor problem. However, I am not taking into account that the Jazz organization is cursed and everyone who is a part of it will eventually have a debilitating injury/sickness. Good luck Paul!

Out of all the guys you mentioned, I think I would take Paul Millsap. He’s an All-Star and a workhorse. Seriously, he works TONS of horses. My neighbor’s parents saw him working them. If there’s one think we Utahns appreciate, it’s a guy who knows his way around horses.

 

Q: Which Jazz player do you think won’t be back next year?

@Steeleman77

In all honesty, I wouldn’t be surprised if Lyles, Diaw, Burks, Mack, and Withey weren’t back next year. In fact, we should go over each of these guys really quickly:

  • Trey Lyles – Look, I’m sure Trey is a nice guy and really wants to play, but this was a TERRIBLE year. Actually, it was worse than terrible. He had opportunities this year to play and play big minutes, but his shooting and defense (two HUGE things when it comes to basketball) were atrocious. And I hardly EVER use the word “atrocious.” It makes me wonder whether he’s putting in the work.
  • Boris Diaw – Boris is a good teammate and a great passer, but I feel like we heard more about his coffee than his game this season. For how smart a player he is, there were long spurts where he just seemed relaxed and uninterested and overweight out there.
  • Alec Burks – Dude’s hurt and can’t seem to heal. I know with his injury it’ll be hard to trade him, but I could still see a few teams interested if the offer is right.
  • Shelvin Mack – Shelvin plays his butt off, but the last thing we need is Shelvin’s butt getting kicked around, tripping our own guys on the court. I think if there’s a chance to upgrade the back-up/third-string point guard spot, the Jazz will do it.
  • Jeff Withey – I actually want to keep Jeff Withey. He’s a cheap back-up center to keep as insurance when the regular Jazz bigs go down for a month or so due to injury. I would knock on wood that that doesn’t happen, but I’ve been knocking on wood for the last three years and my knuckles have calluses.

Another name I could see on another team next year is Raul Neto. First let me say this—I love Neto. I mean, I’m totally comfortable with my sexuality, but if Raul ever wanted to have a couples spa day and then watch Sense and Sensibility (the Kate Winslet one) at his house, I’d be down.

I just think Raul has blossomed into a fine third-string point guard in this league, and that is NOTHING to be upset about. He’s just a solid player who I believe has plateaued. He’s a good defender with some dreamy eyes. What more could a team want?

Short answer–basically everyone under contract is movable except for Rudy Gobert.

 

Q: What’s your offseason plan? Try to keep it under $125 million, knowing that the Jazz are at $75 million before anyone re-signs?

@rgiss11

I’ve got some fairly fun offseason plans. Nothing too extravagant–Yellowstone in June and a camping trip in August. Should be pretty fun.

Oh, you meant what I think the Jazz will do this summer? OK, well then that changes my answer a little bit.

Here’s what I think the Jazz’es offseason plan should be:

  • Re-sign Hayward. Try to convince him to sign for half of the max and set him up with the best financial planner in the state. Tell him that he could be the richest person in Utah by age 42 if he stays on a budget and stops eating out as much.
  • Try to get Hill to sign a four year, $40 million contract and give him a $1 million signing bonus if he promises to never get injured again.
  • Sign Joe Ingles to a 3 year, $12 million deal and offer him two gently used baby swings.
  • Trade Alec Burks for literally anything.
  • Maybe try really hard to come in under budget on the arena renovations and use the extra budgeted funds to pay the luxury tax next year.
  • Go hard after Millsap, Gallinari, Ibaka, and/or Otto Porter.
  • Bring the Taco Bell parachutes back.
  • Have a special night where one lucky fan gets to give the team a pre-game motivational speech.

 

Q: Will Gordon leave because of Zupas or will he be back for more lobster bisque?

@daniel_hertig

Maybe it was one of their employee’s first day and they made an honest, yet costly, mistake? Zupas probably isn’t all that bad. I mean, I’ve never eaten there and never will, but that has nothing to do with Gordon barfing non stop for 17 hours straight. I just have very low standards when it comes to my food intake. Zupas is too high up the restaurant totem pole for me. If I’m eating out, I’ll either get a dollar-menu quesadilla at Del Taco or ask for samples at Panda Express until they call the cops.

I just looked online at the Zupas menu and I can’t believe how much their sandwich names sound like someone throwing up. Check these out:

  • California Turkey and Burrrrlllgh
  • Spinach Artichoklllle
  • Honey Bacon Clurrrbb
  • Cuban Grilled Pooooorrrrrk
  • Vegetarrrrrriiiiaannugllle

 

Q: If Gordon stays and Hill stays, will there be room to add anybody?

@Burny76

Monetarily speaking, no there won’t be much room if the Jazz give Gordon the max contract and Hill a close-to max contract.

That being said, the Jazz COULD add me as a halftime entertainer next year for pretty cheap. I’ve been working to include animals in some of my potential halftime acts and I have to say, things are looking pretty promising.

I’ve been spending a FORTUNE on pet food and my garage smells like death, but the dogs, cats, mink, horses, and emus have been working their tails off…literally. I don’t know if some of the dogs are sick or what, but some of their tails are losing hair and getting shorter. It’s either the nine-hour training days or the hard spills they’re taking in my giant, custom-built giant hamster ball cause a lot of their legs are wobbly and most of them won’t even touch they’re Cap’n Crunch at night.

 

Q: I had a dream about talking lemurs that attacked me on a camping trip. Does that mean Hayward is staying? If not, what does it mean?

@the_BrianB

Did the lemurs say anything? Were they wearing tiny Jazz jerseys? Was anyone famous on this camping trip? Ugh, please tell me you didn’t run into the mom from Family Ties because if so, you or someone you love will be getting the stomach flu very soon.

Even though I still have tons of questions, I’m still gonna take a stab at your dream––

OK, I just took the last hour to think about this and I’m very happy to say that your lemur dream means that Hayward will be a Jazzman with Rudy Gobert and company for the next four years. (Also, if someone named Lee approaches you at Home Depot about a business opportunity involving landscaping bark, DO NOT trust him!)

Thank you for allowing me to interpret your dream for you. Not many people ask me to interpret their dreams ever since I told a group of family and friends to put their life savings on the Spurs winning the NBA title back in 2014. They all won a TON of money, but the money ruined them. They’re miserable and blaming me now. Pffft, it’s like, you came to ME, remember?!?!

 


Thanks for submitting questions, you guys. Remember to tell your mothers about Jimbo’s Mailbag. Print it out and set it on her breakfast tray the next time you bring her breakfast in bed. Draw hearts around the title. Maybe even draw the mom from Family Ties shooting some hoops or something. Make it weird.

Jimbo Rudding

Jimbo Rudding

I am a typical Jazz fan. I think Jordan pushed off, Derek Fisher lied, Bavetta cost us at least one game in the Finals, we should have drafted Tony Parker instead of Raul Lopez, and there will never be anything better than the Stockton to Malone days. I, along with Spencer Campbell @SCampbellSBN, started the first and longest-running Utah Jazz podcast on earth. I enjoy the in-of-doors and telling people a better way of doing whatever it is they're currently doing.
Jimbo Rudding

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