Welcome to the next edition of Jimbo’s Mailbag! At Salt City Hoops, we know that covering a losing team without any humor can be dreary. As such, we decided to add a little bit more levity to our site via Jimbo’s unique outlook on the world of Jazz basketball; the veracity of what follows is in question. Interested in submitting a question to Jimbo’s mailbag? Email it to Jimbo at email@example.com or tweet @JimboRudding to appear.
Q: Who do you think is more miffed about not having an NBA team named after them, foxes or Andris Biedrins’ hair?
And right off the bat there’s a question about Biedrins. There seems to be a weekly Jimmer-Mark Jackson-Biedrins theme to this mailbag. It’s cool. I’m game.
Based on where I have seen Biedrins lately (see last week’s mailbag), I’m going to guess Andris is the most miffed. He’s been wandering around town without much of a purpose or objective to his life. From what I can tell, basketball was his everything and he’s feeling lost without it. I heard a rumor that he has been making a little extra cash chaperoning high school Sadie Hawkins dances. Which makes sense because I saw him at an IHOP at two in the morning sitting next to a table of laughing teenagers keeping a close eye on a pile of 23 boutonnieres. So, either he is extremely depressed and/or bored, or he is just looking for ways to help out the community in any way he can.
But, I guess we’re not talking about Andris the man; we’re talking about Andris’ses’s’es hair. Remember when he used to apply a TON of gel and spike his hair in the back? You can’t really laugh at him for that. Back in Fantastica where he’s from, all the nobles wear their hair like that; even their leader, the Childlike Empress.
If you think about it, when he did that to the back of his hair it sort of resembled the end of a foxes tail. So there you go, they’re both miffed…and I really can’t say that I blame either of them.
Q: Jimmer seems to be in town a lot these days with BYU playing so well. What should we say if we run into him at Costco?
It would be so weird to see him at Costco just standing there waiting to pay for his ginormous box of almonds just like a normal person. I would probably be standing right behind him buying the Complete 4th season of Alf on full screen DVD and some Funyuns.
[Oh no…my mind is wandering…I’m going to my happy place. Hold on.]
The line is long; he turns around and we make brief eye contact. I’m too nervous to break the ice, and he can sense that, so he makes it easy for me.
“Pffft Costco lines, am I right?” he says playfully.
“Ha ha, yeah, I hate waiting with lines being like so,” I say like a newly arrived European man still trying to get ahold of the English language.
“I’m Jimmer.” [he extends his hand]
“Jimbo” I say, internally hating my parents for giving me a name that is impossible to say out loud without sounding like you have a southern accent.
[I shake his hand and notice that it is A LOT more smooth and pristine than my own. At the tail end of this thought, I notice that I’ve been holding the handshake for WAY too long and quickly let go.]
“So…do almonds help with energy for jump shots and stuff?” I ask, again, hating myself for the poorly worded question.
“Um, I hope so. Gotta keep the strength up somehow.” he replies while eyeing my beloved purchases.
“Is that a good show?” he asks, pointing to my Alf DVDs.
I slowly begin to feel more comfortable and quickly mistake his attempt at small talk for genuine interest in the greatest comedy ever made. I use the rest of our time in line explaining EVERYTHING about Melmac (Alf’s home planet), the Tanner family (Alf’s earthly caretakers), and Lucky (the Tanner’s cat, who Alf was always trying to eat).
We have a few laughs, I had a good cry when I explain why the show was cancelled, and we leave the confines of Costco both better men.
Q: If the Jazz were making a new D-League affiliate from scratch, what would their name and logo be?
Good question. Let’s see.
I assume they would be in Idaho, so right off the bat we could assume they would be called the “Idaho (somethings).” Right now I guess I would call them either the “Idaho There is a Plan’s” or the “Idaho OKC Model’s.” Whichever one Dee Bost likes the most.
Q: What should the Jazz’ statue of Antoine “The Big Dog” Carr look like?
Wow, I miss that guy. He would go out there every night, strap on the spectacles, and just get after it. I used to bark my little heart out every time he stepped onto the floor. I remember nights after Jazz games spent trying different remedies to soothe my sore throat from all the barking. I wish essential oils existed back then.
I had to eventually soften my barks because that was back when my grandma was living with us. She was in her senile years back then and was always concerned there was a dog in the house. I always questioned her senility though because one minute she’d just stare at all the snow globes in our curio cabinet and the next minute she’d be explaining all the song meanings from Hootie and the Blowfish’s first album.
Anyway, the point is, she complained about the noise and my parents made me cool it with all the barking. I still thought this was ironic because she would be up till all hours at night playing the harmonica part to “Only Wanna Be With You” in her room.
But, oh yeah, back to the statue. I think it would look a lot like Karl’s, except maybe with some red shades and more facial hair.
Thanks again for all the questions. Remember, if you would like your question answered either tweet me (@jimborudding) or send an email to firstname.lastname@example.org.