Jimbo’s Mailbag – The Bionic Jazzman

January 23rd, 2015 | by Jimbo Rudding
Jimbo creates the Bionic Man.

Jimbo creates the Bionic Man.

Welcome to the next edition of Jimbo’s Mailbag! At Salt City Hoops, we know that covering a losing team without any humor can be dreary. As such, we decided to add a little bit more levity to our site via Jimbo’s unique outlook on the world of Jazz basketball. Jimbo, by virtue of being recently featured in the Deseret News, is now the world’s most famous Utah-based basketball mailbag artist. Interested in submitting a question to Jimbo’s mailbag? Email it to Jimbo at mailbag@saltcityhoops.com or tweet @JimboRudding to appear.

Q: I’m very concerned AK-47 hasn’t reported with the 76ers. Is he waiting to get a pass from his wife?

@FakeReaganDiary

Ah, good one. Poor, poor AK. I’m assuming things have to be pretty bad in his personal life to want to give up the game like that. However, judging by his dragon tattoo and his constantly reading Russian novels in the locker room, you could assume that he wasn’t very passionate about basketball in the first place, but that’s neither here nor there and I really have no idea what I’m talking about.

Unfortunately, he will always be known to non-Jazz fans as the guy who was given a golden ticket. I have my suspicions that she was so willing to give him this free pass because she had most likely used her own free pass without telling him and felt incredibly guilty, but that kind of speculation will get us nowhere.

I feel like there are other more productive things that his wife should have helped him out with, like maybe not crying while talking to the media, not shooting long jumpers, not getting rid of that sweet Mohawk, or maybe not handcuffing the franchise. I’m mostly kidding about that last one. I think AK’s contract was just a combination of bad timing and fear, but here I go again making assumptions on something I know little-to-nothing about. Just like back in 1994 when I thought that if I owned 13 Hyper Color t-shirts Kelsey Bankhead would want to make out with me behind the cafeteria. But alas, it was 14 t-shirts she required and plus I don’t think it was ever going to happen because she was a little weirded out by my clubbed thumb.

It’s pretty crazy that now she reads Jimbo’s Mailbag™ and is constantly emailing me about meeting up behind the cafeteria to make out. Circle of life, I guess.

 

Q: Hey Jimbo, did you know the reason Roy Hibbert wears those knee sleeves is his chronic knee B.O.?

@PappaRoost

That doesn’t surprise me one bit. I don’t care if they get washed after every game, some stink you just can’t un-stank, you know? I mean, it would take A LOT of money to get me to sniff those bad boys.

Here is a list of things that I imagine would smell better than Roy Hibbert’s knee sleeves:

  • A road trip with James Earl Jones after stopping for chili.
  • The inside of Allen Handy’s hat.
  • The battle of Gettysburg the week after it ended.
  • The inside of the Jazz bear mask.
  • A hoarder’s house who at one point had 34 cats, but can now only account for 18.
  • The underside of someone’s fat flap a month after receiving gastric bypass surgery.
  • Golden Corral

Ok…mmmm…I have to stop writing this one because…Golden Corral…I…can’t…stop…gagging.

 

Q: If you were commissioned to make a “bionic Jazzman,” which former Jazzmen would you make him out of?

@EtheRegulator

This is a GREAT question! No offense to the all the awesome people who have submitted mailbag questions before, but this is probably the best question I have ever received while doing this mailbag.

To answer this question, I feel the need to break things down into a list of bionic requirements. The original bionic man only had both legs, one arm, and one eye replaced, but I’m going to construct my own bionic Jazzman with basketball skills needed to be successful and also not make me mad at them.

Drive – John Stockton

If you go back and watch “the shot” game against the Rockets, you will notice that John Stockton just took that game over by himself. He got to a point where he looked at everyone in the huddle during a timeout and said, “Screw this. We are NOT going to lose this game. I don’t care how ugly our uniforms are, I’m taking it over.”

Speed – Dante Exum

Dante is the fastest Jazz player I’ve seen in a long time. Now, if we could only fix his confidence and his turnovers and his passing and most of the rest of his game.

Scrappiness – DeMarre Carroll, Matt Harpring

There are two people who I will always demand 110% from: the players on my team who aren’t the greatest athletes and know it, and my bank.

Dribbling – Deron Williams

Dude was a great ball-handler. I say “was” because once a player is no longer a member of the Utah Jazz, they don’t exist anymore to me. I think we took for granted how good he was at taking care of the ball. Also, he may have been too good at it and that’s why he was so angry all the time, which is understandable since he was getting paid millions of dollars to be really good at a kid’s game.

Strength – Karl Malone

This one is self-explanatory. Also, remember the time he did that workout video and wore those spandex bike shorts? This is crazy, I know, but I did some military calisthenics while wearing those same shorts inside a Taco Bell last week and I got absolutely ZERO compliments.

Shooting – Kyle Korver

He was so good at shooting that I almost fell in love with him. Not literally though. I mean, I did deliver a valentine to his house once, but that was only because he had had a great game the night before and also he wasn’t answering my phone calls.

Here is a list of the bionic Jazzman honorable mentions:

  • Turnovers – John Lucas III, Jason Hart
  • Muffin top – Greg Ostertag
  • Sweatiness – Al Jefferson
  • Mouth-breathing – Dante Exum
  • Bad hair – AK (the later years)
  • Decision-making – John Lucas III
  • Over confidence – Mark Jackson
  • Deceit – Derek Fisher

 

Q: Who would win in a fight, Mitt Romney or Don Knotts?

@dmcdoucherton

If you’re talking about who would win if they fought today, then I would say Mitt Romney by a landslide; mostly because Don Knotts is currently deceased.

If you’re talking back in like 1944, then I would say Don Knotts by a landslide because Romney wasn’t born yet.

If you’re talking if they were both in their prime and Don Knotts never started smoking, then Don Knotts because he grew up a member of the “greatest generation” and looked pretty quick and wiry in Three’s Company.

BONUS! Mailbag Contest:

*****The first person who tweets me the name of Don Knotts’ character in the movie Hot Lead and Cold Feet will get one of the quickest RT’s Jimmer Fredette has ever seen.*****

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Thanks for the questions everyone!

Jimbo Rudding

Jimbo Rudding

I am a typical Jazz fan. I think Jordan pushed off, Derek Fisher lied, Bavetta cost us at least one game in the Finals, we should have drafted Tony Parker instead of Raul Lopez, and there will never be anything better than the Stockton to Malone days. I, along with Spencer Campbell @SCampbellSBN, started the first and longest-running Utah Jazz podcast on earth. I enjoy the in-of-doors and telling people a better way of doing whatever it is they're currently doing.
Jimbo Rudding

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