Jimbo’s Mailbag – The Coolest Play the Jazz Should Run

(Photo by Andrew D. Bernstein/NBAE via Getty Images)

Welcome to the next edition of Jimbo’s Mailbag! At Salt City Hoops, we know that covering a losing team without any humor can be dreary. As such, we decided to add a little bit more levity to our site via Jimbo’s unique outlook on the world of Jazz basketball. Interested in submitting a question to Jimbo’s mailbag? Email it to Jimbo at mailbag@saltcityhoops.com or tweet @JimboRudding to appear. 

Q:  If Gobert becomes a star, do you think EnergySolutions Arena starts selling French cuisine? If so, what would you want them to sell?

– @BranpuffAsh

Great question! I am a HUGE fan of French food. My best friend’s mom is French-Canadian and she used to make the most delicious Hawaiian haystacks. So, yeah, it would be awesome if we could all buy Hawaiian haystacks at the arena! Maybe they could put a toothpick with a little French flag attached to it on top of each haystack?

The only setback is the price–$32 for a large haystack. I know you can get a WAY cheaper haystacks at a French restaurant down the street, but that is market value in the arena. If you want to blame someone for the price, blame the expensive French haystack toppings!

Being French-Canadian, you’d think my friend’s mom would be laid-back and mellow and make us crepes all the time, but that wasn’t the case. She was constantly on the lookout for chores for us to do around the house. If she knew we were planning on leaving the house at all, she would ALWAYS ask her son to vacuum the stairs first. I can’t tell you how many times I sat in my car and waited for him to finish vacuuming so we could go get some Silly Sacks at Hardees. It was pretty strange as a teenager having to sneak out of a house in the middle of the day, but I guess she made up for all the inconveniences with her delicious haystacks.

Q:  What is the coolest possible play you can imagine?

– @andyblarsen

I have always been a fan of the play where John Stockton used to set a pick on a big guy. The fact that he did that every single game and never got injured on that play is pretty amazing.

This question is hard for me to answer because I can imagine some pretty cool things. In fact, I spend the majority of my waking hours doing just that.

However, I DO have a notebook where I occasionally jot down a few ideas for plays. Here’s a few ideas from the official Jimbo playbook:

The center creates a diversion by whipping up some corn dogs at mid-court. One of the guards passes the ball to the two forwards and they do a sweet two-man dunk. Wait, but where was the defense? Oh, there they are. In line to buy corn dogs from our center.

Another play I designed myself involves the two guards standing at the elbows while the center gets down on all fours and pretends to be hurt. A forward brings the ball to the three-point line and just heaves it. I mean it; he chucks that thing so high and far that it gets stuck in the rafters. The officials don’t allow the game to continue with another ball so they call the game. Jazz were ahead at the time of the heave. Jazz win!

Last, but not least, all five players get down on their hands and knees and create a pyramid at the free-throw line. The defense is confused enough that they all just stop where they are and wait for what’s next. Well, what comes next is the best part of the play. The defense is so mesmerized by the pyramid that they forget about the ball. Once they remember, it’s too late; the clock ran out. The game is over and the Utah Jazz are NBA Champions! (This play is only run at the end of games and it also can be VERY rough on the player’s knees.)

Q: Do you have a special deluxe, customized design for your mailbag, or do you carry it, like booze, in a brown paper bag?

– @cheelon

All my mail is carried on my person using a fleet of fanny packs. Also, all the fanny packs are guarded by a VERY irritable chihuahua which never leaves my lap.

Q:  Will you tweet business model ideas to Mark Cuban?

– @natedub9

Will I? You’re asking me this like I already haven’t done it. Since I LOVE making lists, here is a list of the business ideas I have sent to Mark Cuban:

• A restaurant where if you compliment the chef, he comes out and gives you a neck massage for a few seconds. (Don’t worry. It doesn’t get weird.)
• A book store that only sells Charlotte’s Web. The kicker? The store is run by barnyard animals wearing cute little aprons and headsets.
• Two words: Scat karaoke.
• A new type of diaper genie that makes the “gulp, ahhhhh” sound whenever you put something in it.
• A new, VERY durable napkin that you can carry around with you and wash with your clothes. Depending on if it is stained, it can double as a colorful scarf if women order the extra-large one.
• A no-hassle, no-pressure car dealership. Looking to buy a car? Go ahead and look around our lot or make yourself at home in our spacious lobby. If you have any questions, we’ll be in the back playing Mario Kart.
• 6-hour Energy drink.
• Toe nail clippers that will NOT work whenever you are in the presence of another human being.
• A hardware store where the employees give you a reassuring hug if you openly admit that you need to be re-taught fractions and decimals.

Hopefully Mark Cuban responds soon to my ideas. I’ll keep everyone posted.

Q:  What should some of the Jazz players do to create good luck for the coming season?

– @Mikeyvp

This may seem a little “much,” but Quin Snyder should think about cutting a lock of his hair and having each player stick some in their socks before every game. Every time the players feel something itchy in their socks, they’ll remember that their coach wants them to play harder and unselfishly.

The only part of this scenario that could pose a problem is the unsanitariness (Don’t worry, I looked it up. It’s a word). There is probably enough L.A. Looks hair gel in that one lock of hair to create some CRAZY ankle rashes and the last thing this team needs is injuries to start the season.

So, we’re going to need Coach to shower a few times before we cut a piece of his hair off. I’ll try to go through the proper communication channels to get word to him. Oh man! We are going to be the luckiest team in the league!

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Thanks for the questions everybody!