Welcome to the next edition of Jimbo’s Mailbag! At Salt City Hoops, we know that covering a losing team without any humor can be dreary. As such, we decided to add a little bit more levity to our site via Jimbo’s unique outlook on the world of Jazz basketball. Jimbo, by virtue of being recently featured in the Deseret News, is now the world’s most famous Utah-based basketball mailbag artist. Interested in submitting a question to Jimbo’s mailbag? Email it to Jimbo at email@example.com or tweet @JimboRudding to appear.
Q: Where were you and what were you doing on June 14, 1998?
You’re either one of my relatives trying to be sneaky or just really lucky to have picked one of the greatest days I’ve ever had. I wrote the entire itinerary for that day after it happened just because it was so amazing. Here is that itinerary:
7:30 – I awake and shower.
7:33 – I dress in some VERY comfortable cargo pants.
8:00 – I meet Dick Norse for breakfast at Denny’s.
8:22 – I say something mildly offensive about people who frequent Arby’s, and Dick Norse storms out into the parking lot.
8:23 – I chase after him and apologize and he agrees to come back in ONLY if I let him finish my Grand Slam.
9:00 – Dick Norse and I go for a drive in his convertible over the Alpine Loop.
9:16 – Dick Norse hits a deer with his car.
9:54 – We arrived at the University Mall where Dick Norse and I use a couple of empty Dillard’s sacks to get the rest of the fur and blood off of Dick’s car.
10:22 – Dick Norse and I go inside and he buys me a VERY conservative blue sweater vest for helping clean the deer off of his car.
10:44 – We decide to go grab some brunch at Denny’s.
11:12 – Dick Norse takes offense, again, to something I say about people who have never conquered Super Mario 2. However, before he can storm out, I calm him down by changing the subject to Canadian health care and the whole thing eventually blows over.
11:56 – Dick Norse and I return to the University Mall where I sign a two-year contract with AT&T.
12:44 – Dick Norse and I decide to grab some lunch at Denny’s.
12:55 – Dick Norse says something extremely offensive about people who own too many lawn chairs and I just shrug it off and don’t say anything.
1:37 – Dick Norse and I spend the next hour prank-calling his co-anchors at KSL with my new phone.
2:37 – Denny’s asks us to leave after numerous patrons complain and especially after Dick yells out something offensive about people who own leaf blowers.
2:38 – Dick Norse and I decide to go to the 3 o’clock showing of The Truman Show.
2:55 – Dick Norse spills some of his drink on his pants in the crotch area and I laugh so hard that I actually pee my pants.
2:56 – Dick Norse points to my wet crotch and his wet crotch and yells, “TWINNERS!” and then we both laugh harder.
4:45 – Dick Norse and I leave the theater and exclaim at the exact same time that we have a headache.
5:13 – Dick Norse and I decide to go to Denny’s for dinner.
5:22 – Dick Norse and I both storm out after our waiter says something offensive about people who go to the zoo more than once every three years.
I know what you’re thinking, “Why is that day so special?” Well, I think only people who DON’T go to Arby’s as much as you do would understand that.
Q: If you had a Styrofoam man, would you put him in the passenger seat so you could drive in the HOV lane?
WOULD I??? Of course I wouldn’t. I am a law-abiding citizen whose only interest is the integrity of the community. Actually, one time I got pulled over because me and some guys from school duct-taped fast food cups to the top of our car and drove up and down State Street smiling and waving at all the people screaming at us that we had forgotten our cups on the top of the car. Once they sped away, giving up on trying to “save our drinks,” we’d all laugh and congratulate ourselves on finding yet another way to avoid speaking with girls for one more night.
I’ll admit, it was a stupid thing to do, but what do you expect from five extremely sober and bored 16 year olds? The cop wasn’t even mad. He just said, “If you feel the need to do crap like that again, just do it in the neighboring city.”
So while I wouldn’t put a Styrofoam man in the passenger seat of my car to get out of paying to use the HOV lane, I WOULD duct-tape his feet to the top of my car and cruise State Street.
Q: What’s the best part about being rich, famous, and having over 1,000 twitter followers? Also, which Jazz player is your bestie?
I’ll address the bestie question first. My Jazz player bestie would have to be Steve Novak. Mostly because everybody else on the team looks like they wouldn’t enjoy eating nachos and skating backwards to “Lady in Red” at the roller skating rink, which is where you can find me most nights.
I think Steve and I would have a blast just getting to know each other better while shooting threes together or maybe even heading down to the city rec center and…shooting some more threes. Also, I’ve heard he is a big fan of musicals, so I wouldn’t mind if he just wanted to hang out in my man cave and watch The Sound of Music or The King and I with me.
Some of the best things about being rich and famous are:
There are other perks, but these are some of the best ones. If I think of some more, I’ll make a list in permanent marker on the back of my first-generation iPad.
Q: Why are there so many samurai ponytails in the NBA?
Seriously! Joakim Noah, Lou Amundson, Charlie Villanueva, the list goes on and on it seems.
So, yeah, what IS the deal with the man bun? How has humanity even allowed that to be a thing? Listen, I’m arguably the biggest Pearl Jam fan this side of the Mississippi and I enjoy long hair on men as much as the next middle-aged guy pretending that the 90’s never ended, but I have to draw the line somewhere. In no world do I ever want Eddie Vedder and my aunt Susan to look the same from behind. I mean, since 2013 new year’s resolution, Susan has developed a nice medium build and her 5 o’clock shadow is more like a 3 o’clock shadow now, but her hair looks exactly like Joakim Noah’s even down to the little bits of Cheez-Its in it, and that is just not right.
This was probably my favorite mailbag so far. Thanks for the questions!