Jimbo’s Mailbag – The Utah Jazz Select…

June 19th, 2015 | by Jimbo Rudding
Dante Exum on draft night with Trey Burke. Photo by Jesse. D. Garrabrant - NBAE via Getty Images

Photo by Jesse. D. Garrabrant – NBAE via Getty Images

Here at Salt City Hoops, we’re occasionally accused of being too analytical. Basketball is a fun sport, they say, and we’re being too objective about it. Jumbo Rudding, on the other hand, is not analytical. He is zany. He is infamous for his out-of-left-field basketball jokes and opinions. We’re thrilled to have him contribute a mailbag each week on Salt City Hoops. Interested in submitting a question to Jimbo’s mailbag? Email it to Jimbo at mailbag@saltcityhoops.com or tweet@JimboRudding to appear.

Q: I saw your list of fake potential draft picks a few mailbags ago. Have you heard of anymore players the Jazz are looking at before the draft next week?

@Mikeyvp

First off, thanks for reading the mailbag! It’s always good to know that people out there besides my grandma read this thing religiously.

Yes, I have had my ear to the grindstone for the last month and I’ve heard some pretty interesting news this week. Here is an updated list of potential second-round draft picks:

  • Barry Manihigh – This guy is at the top of a lot of team’s draft boards. He recently was released from prison, but he claims to be a changed man and swears he will never again hold any more pets for ransom. He can sometimes dunk with the aid of a folding chair or pogo stick. He thinks he has a real shot at making a team if he goes undrafted, but he’s taking things one draft at a time.
  • Bert Ramsey – Bert has been working as hard this summer as anyone who has ever worked during the summer. He hasn’t necessarily been working on his basketball skills, but on installing a retaining wall in his backyard. He wanted me to tell everyone that he and his family really appreciate all the help from friends and neighbors. As far as basketball goes, building the retaining wall has really strengthened his core, and as we all know, the core is the most important of all the middle body parts.
  • Herman Boogie – Herman works the graveyard shift at the Holiday Oil. He is a legit seven-footer who plays every game like it’s his first. One of Herman’s biggest strengths is he distracts the other players by singing Unchained Melody at the top of his lungs while he plays. Scouts, coaches, and fans are all baffled by this, but it works and you can’t argue with that.
  • Zort Balkar – “Big Z” is a guy that’s been moving up the draft boards as of late. He recently had a pretty intense workout near the Phoenix Suns facility. Jake Thompson, a Phoenix resident and current Tenderfoot, saw Balkar working out and said he was “as sweaty as anyone I’ve ever seen.” Ironically, Balkar’s greatest strength (sweating) is also his greatest weakness. It’s so bad that Balkar’s nickname is “The Big Squeegee.”
  • Huey Indigo – This guy is the real deal. Seriously, he’s a dealer in Wendover part-time. When he’s not working in Wendover, he likes to make crude musical instruments out of old cereal boxes. Huey was born with giant hands. Like, really big hands. I mean it, you wouldn’t believe how big they are. His passes have a LOT of zip to them, but one thing he struggles with (besides opening Capri Suns) is zipping his passes to the right team. He trains in elevation, and the rumor is the Jazz love that.
  • Ricardo Montevideo Gutierrez – This Canadian-born player spent most of his life amongst Sherpas in the Himalayas helping young American teens find themselves on various backpacking adventures. When he wasn’t hiking, Ricardo was playing basketball on an in-tent court at base camp. He’s recently developed into quite an outside shooter, but only in the summer when the weather’s warm enough.
  • Bwett McKendwick – The knock on McKendwick is that he isn’t a great communicator. He’s often seen “freaking out” if he doesn’t like something. He’s not a fan of making eye contact when spoken to and also isn’t a very strong reader. Despite all that, this promising 6-year-old LOVES to play the game. This year McKendwick was the sole member of the McKendwick Dwagons, a local team that mainly plays in Bwett’s basement. McKendwick made a buzzer-beating three-pointer off of a ceiling fan to win the championship this year. The word is that if drafted, the Jazz will most likely stash this youngster at his parent’s house until he’s old enough to join the team.

 

Q: Let’s all get used to the sound of NBA Champ Brandon Rush. How long until he sells his ring on Ebay?

@FakeReaganDiary

I never would have thought that Brandon Rush would still be in the league after the year he sat on the bench with the Utah Jazz. It’s such a shame too, because I had such high hopes for Rush. I thought he would be a key part of the Jazz core going forward. I tell ya, those ACL injuries are a bear to deal with.

 

Q: If you had to break out of prison, how would you do it, and which Jazzman (current or former) would you have help you?

@thatcho

Another strong question.

I’ll tell you which former Jazz man I WOULDN’T have help me—Jim Les. He would probably screw up our escape just like he screwed up all 82 games he played in for the Jazz. Ugh, I’m so mad thinking about it, I don’t know if I can finish answering this question. Whew…OK, push through, Jimbo.

Here’s a list of ways I would involve former Utah Jazz players in my prison escape:

  • Tie a bunch of unused John Amaechi jerseys and warm-ups together and use that to construct a zip line into a forest.
  • Ask Mo Williams to shoot a hole in the wall. (He shoots a lot.)
  • Have Derek Fisher lie to the guards and tell them I’m fast asleep in my cell.
  • Ask John “black hole” Lucas III to stand by the wall so that I can jump through the black hole and jump to freedom.
  • John Lucas III could pick a fight with everyone at the prison.
  • Ronnie Brewer could create a diversion by showing everyone his bum arm and telling them the water slide accident story.
  • I could pour Captain Crunch all over the floor and have Milt Palacio eat his way through.
  • Bryon Russell could challenge Michael Jordan to a prison escape contest. Not sure how that gets me out, but maybe if I had a Jimbo look-a-like or something?
  • Olden Polynice could impersonate one of the prison guards and be my accomplice.
  • Robert Whaley could hide a set of cell keys in one of his body cavities.

I’m confident at least one of those would work. I’m not for sure which one, but I’m leaning towards Ronnie Brewer’s diversion.

 

Q: The NBA commissioner is considering putting sponsors on NBA jerseys. Other than Lucky Charms on Booker, OUTBACK on Exum, any other good matches?

@the6bees

Good question. In fact, I’ll have to run it by Salt City Hoops management, but I would say this one probably deserves to be in the Jimbo Mailbag question Hall of Fame. Give me a week or two and I’ll get back to you.

I’m not really sure why the NBA needs to do this. Is it really necessary to silkscreen a picture of an Arby’s Beef & Cheddar onto LeBron’s jersey just to make a little more money? Do they not make enough from TV contracts, jersey and gear sales, ticket prices, and gross concession nachos? I call bull on this one.

If they were forced to put a sponsor on the Jazz player’s jerseys, here is a list of ones I would tolerate…I guess:

  • Crown Burger
  • Jo-Ann’s Fabrics
  • 49th Street Galleria
  • Fry Sauce
  • Modbod
  • Car seats
  • Maxi Skirts
  • Dirty Diet Coke
  • Tiny Bit of Blood on the Leg Outlet

———–

Thanks for the questions, you guys! Go Jazz!

Jimbo Rudding

Jimbo Rudding

I am a typical Jazz fan. I think Jordan pushed off, Derek Fisher lied, Bavetta cost us at least one game in the Finals, we should have drafted Tony Parker instead of Raul Lopez, and there will never be anything better than the Stockton to Malone days. I, along with Spencer Campbell @SCampbellSBN, started the first and longest-running Utah Jazz podcast on earth. I enjoy the in-of-doors and telling people a better way of doing whatever it is they're currently doing.
Jimbo Rudding

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