Jimbo’s Mailbag – Tips for Having a Good Workout With the Jazz

Photo by Melissa Majchrzak/NBAE via Getty Images

Here at Salt City Hoops, we’re occasionally accused of being too analytical. Basketball is a fun sport, they say, and we’re being too objective about it. Jumbo Rudding, on the other hand, is not analytical. He is zany. He is infamous for his out-of-left-field basketball jokes and opinions. We’re thrilled to have him contribute a mailbag each week on Salt City Hoops. Interested in submitting a question to Jimbo’s mailbag? Email it to Jimbo at mailbag@saltcityhoops.com or tweet @JimboRudding to appear.

Q: I’m trying to make the Jazz team. Got any tips?

@Run_Pappy

Wow, good for you! That’s exciting. I’ve never tried out for a professional basketball team before, but that shouldn’t stop me from giving you some pointers anyway. Here are some suggestions of things to do before, during, and after your workout:

• Negotiate which jersey number you’d like early in the workout. You don’t want any of the other clowns stealing your lucky number. Also, ask about the restrictions on using Roman numerals.
• Dribble behind your back and through your legs a lot. NBA peeps eat that crap up.
• Do NOT watch any Jim Les film to prepare for the workout. That guy was the worst. Just trust me, you do NOT want to play basketball like him.
• Hydrate with plenty of Jolt Cola the night before and also an hour before the workout.
• Tell the coaches you’ve been under the weather lately so they will be impressed with your effort right off the bat. Make sure to use buzz phrases like, “sick as a dog” or “wanted to die” or “out both ends” when describing your illness.
• Wear arm sleeves and also leg sleeves. In fact, wear a scuba diver wet suit under the uniform they give you so the coaches will know you are serious about honing your crafts.
• Make sure your Reebok Pumps are properly inflated before the workout starts.
• Apologize for how much you are going to sweat before you even set foot on the court. Refrain from using the word “gross.” Use the word “repugnant” instead, but pronounce it “reep-yewg-nunt.” Why? Why the heck not? It’s not like it will hurt your chances, right?
• During each break in the tryout, approach one of the coaches and say, “I’m taking these rascals to basketball school out there!”
• After the workout is over, ice everything, and I mean EVERYTHING. Yes, even there.
• Enter the workout wearing giant headphones. Make sure to turn up the volume so that people within 10 feet can hear that you’re listening to a digital copy of “Walden.” Coaches will instantly be like, “Well, if his literature IQ is THIS high, we can only assume his basketball IQ is higher!”
• Replenish your electrolytes with a tall glass of straight electrolytes.

If you use any of these tips, I’m sure your chances of making the team will increase 27-fold. You’re welcome.

Q: If for the NBA draft you could pick any player currently playing and put them on the Jazz, who would it be?

@Steeleman77

As much as I hate to be boring with this answer, I would probably go with Lebron James, Stephen Curry, or James Harden. Those three guys change the game by themselves and I don’t think you can say that about anyone else right now. Maybe Anthony Davis, but I don’t think I could pick him because I have a paralyzing fear of caterpillars.

I’ll tell you who I wouldn’t pick–Jamal Crawford. I’ve sure he’s a nice guy, but I can’t stand watching him play. That guy hasn’t met a shot he didn’t like and then wrote a poem about and then tok out to dinner and then made out with on a blanket in Harper’s Woods.

*****First person to tweet me and tell me what TV show Harper’s Woods is from will get an RT and free admission to Classic Skating, if they’re not too weirded out by roller skating with me.*****

Q: Were you ever able to dunk it with Hornacek on NBA Jam? I had the darndest time.

@BranpuffAsh

I think the last time I played NBA Jam I was wearing a Hypercolor t-shirt and drinking Crystal Pepsi. Ahhh, those were the days.

I really don’t remember a whole lot about NBA Jam except that if you made three three-pointers in a row the ball would start on fire, which would be an awesome way to improve the game. After someone gets hot, they should take a quick, officials time out, spray the ball with some hair spray, and light it on fire. The hairspray will burn out in a few seconds, so it’s not like anyone will get hurt.

I’m only in favor of making changes to the game if it makes the NBA product better as a whole. Below is a list of a couple more ideas I’ve had that would improve the game of basketball:

• Anytime a player receives a technical foul, a player on the opposing team gets to shoot a free throw and also put on the T’d up player’s jersey and walk around impersonating/mocking him for approximately 60 seconds.
• If a player uses profanity, the game is suspended until that player uses the arena microphone to apologize to all children and elderly fans.
• If a player is consistently complaining about foul/non-foul calls, the head referee is allowed to whip said player with a wet towel in the downstairs region.
• If a player fouls out, that player can have the option of being allotted one more foul if, and ONLY if, he agrees to play with one thumbtack in each shoe.
• The tip-off to start the game will be discontinued. The coach who can recite from memory the lyrics to Def Leppard’s “Bringin’ on the Heartbreak” fastest will get the ball first.
• Traveling is ONLY allowed if your name is Lebron James and it will facilitate a SICK dunk.

I have a bunch more suggestions for the league, but I will save them for a private letter or another mailbag.

Q: What do you have planned for the draft? Are you going to light candles for good luck?

@Mikeyvp

Light candles??? I’m going to light my neighbor’s shed on fire! Actually ha ha, no I would never do that. Unless it guaranteed a Jazz championship, in which case I would burn multiple sheds to the ground in broad daylight and in full view of the police.

I love the NBA draft. It’s like another Christmas for me. This may seem weird, but on June 1^st I attach my NBA draft stocking to my fireplace mantle and every day I put a Charleston Chew inside. That way, I can eat 20-25 Charleston Chews while I watch the draft. Don’t judge me. It’s my thing. I’m not hurting anyone.

Quick plug for the Jazz Draft Party they throw every year. It’s TONS of fun and now that they’ve installed the new jumbotron screens and a good sound system, you can actually see and hear what’s going on!

————–

Thanks for the questions everyone! Have fun at your niece’s high school graduation.