Jimbo’s Mailbag – Top 10 Things To Do At A Jazz Game

January 22nd, 2016 | by Jimbo Rudding
(Photo by Melissa Majchrzak/NBAE via Getty Images)

(Photo by Melissa Majchrzak/NBAE via Getty Images)

Welcome to the next edition of Jimbo’s Mailbag! At Salt City Hoops, we know that covering a team without any humor can be dreary. As such, we decided to add a little bit more levity to our site via Jimbo’s unique outlook on the world of Jazz basketball. Jimbo, by virtue of being recently featured in the Deseret News, is now the world’s most famous Utah-based basketball mailbag artist. Interested in submitting a question to Jimbo’s mailbag? Email it to Jimbo at mailbag@saltcityhoops.com or tweet @JimboRudding to appear.

Q: Every time I wear my #11 Exum jersey the Jazz lose, but every time I wear anything else they lose. Is this a sign Exum will be back in March and lead us to the Finals or just fate saying the Jazz need better players?

@MeierSteven

I couldn’t have worded that question better, Steven. I know what you mean about your Exum jersey being “cursed.” I have a CJ Miles jersey hanging in my closet that caused a whole lot of heartache a few years ago. I also have a Deron Williams baby blue jersey that hasn’t seen the light of day since I went to an autograph party at the ESA and he seemed irritated that I said “Hello” to him. I can sort of understand why he was a bit surly because he probably was required to be there and writing your name a couple hundred times sounds like torture. Also, he was adored by thousands of kids and adults and I can’t even imagine how hard that would be. Not to mention being one of the best athletes on the planet at the time and being paid millions of dollars. You can only wonder how he found the strength to keep going for so long.

My most recent purchase is a purple and silver Jazz jacket. I was excited because I hadn’t ever seen anyone wearing it before and I thought for sure I had found the right Jazz paraphernalia that would at least get them to the playoffs.

So, I wear my new Jazz jacket to the Golden State game and after the first timeout I notice that Allen Handy is wearing the exact same jacket. I was mortified! I mean, of all the people to be wearing the same clothes as me, right? Anyway, I’m sure you can imagine my disappointment. The embarrassment was so palpable that I had flashbacks of the time I saw my Uncle Dale’s mugshot in the paper wearing the exact same Adidas sweatshirt that I owned. He was arrested one night for shoplifting a few bags of those chocolate coins you can buy at party stores. You know the ones? Anyway, it was a super embarrassing time for me and I’d rather not get into it any further. Needless to say, after the Golden State loss I went home and hung my new jacket in my closet to “recharge.”

Now, to answer your question about Exum:  Here’s the thing–I would guess that the Jazz, if they wanted, could clear him to play in March. That’s a good six months after surgery. I’m no doctor (even though I’ve given plasma literally hundreds of times in my life), but I think six months is plenty of time to heal a torn ACL. Also, Exum is young. He’s like 17 or 18 years old and as we all know, ACLs at that age tend to heal quicker. You probably can’t even see his surgery scar anymore. What other proof do you need? If everything looks good on the outside where all the bacteria and germs can easily get to things, then you can be 100% sure that everything’s in tip top shape on the inside.

Finally, do the Jazz need better players? Yes. However, could Tibor Pleiss turn into the next LeBron James? Also yes.

 

Q: I’m coming to SLC in March. Since I’m flying all the way from France, and I’m not sure if bribing people with wine is a viable option, how many frog legs should I offer to get tickets to a Jazz game? Or do you think I should go all in and get snails instead?

@Pedrounet

Yeah, I feel like you’d have more success bribing people with frog legs or baguettes or crepes or something like that than you would with wine. Then again, I haven’t actually left my house since Christmas so what do I know?

I think that’s great that you’re coming out to Utah! I hope we Utahns make you feel welcome and you know someone here who will show you around town. If you don’t know anyone here and are just traveling on your own then that’s incredibly brave of you. You’re having an adventure!

If you don’t know anyone here and don’t know what to do while you’re here, well then, je m’appelle Jimbo and I’ll be your Utah tour guide. Here is a list of things you should do to get the complete Utah Jazz experience:

  1. Eat at Crown Burger before the game – At CB you get to park for free as long as you purchase $14 worth of Greek burgers. If you enter and don’t know where the back of the order line is, just wedge your way into the throng of people and relax. You’re in line now. If a mosh pit starts, don’t panic. Just grab the coat of the person in front of you and hold on tight.
  2. Park at the post office – It’s only five bucks to park at the PO and manning the booth is the cutest little old lady you’ve ever had the pleasure of taking your money. When you hand her your five spot, say, “Are the Jazz gonna win tonight?” She’ll respond with, “Wha? Just put this ticket on your dash.”
  3. Take a selfie with the Stockton and Malone statues – Some fans say that the statues are haunted because a kid years ago said he saw their eyes glowing. Don’t believe any of it! That Ghost Hunters show came a couple years ago and said those “voices” people keep hearing is just the wind blowing through some nearby garbage cans.
  4. Watch Jazz Game Night being taped – Once you’re inside the arena, go upstairs and watch them film the pregame show. It’s pretty cool to see Alema, Brandon, Jake, Marie, TJ and the rest of the pregame hosts getting everyone at home ready for the game.
  5. Touch Allen Handy’s hair – They say that Allen Andy’s hair has special powers that prevents aging. He knows about the rumors and he doesn’t like when people touch him so he keeps his hair in a bun most of the time. So, touching it may be a bit tricky, but don’t let that stop you. We’ve got to get to the bottom of this “magic hair” thing.
  6. Take a moment to curse Jim Les – This is surprisingly cathartic especially after a Jazz loss. Don’t worry about causing a scene. Most fans do it. Trust me, you’ll be in good company. Jim Les was the worst.
  7. Shake everyone’s hand – I mean EVERYONE’S hand. Don’t even worry if they’re busy buying nachos, finding their seat, or even dribbling the ball down the court. It may cause a small distraction at first, but will prove to be a rewarding experience for all involved.
  8. Have some American nachos – This local delicacy is what our state, and heck even our country, is famous for. Our scientists have done some amazing things with cheese and chips over the years. Vive la America!
  9. Mingle with the ticket scalpers – These guys are the BEST! Somehow they’ve found a way to make money scalping tickets. They’re present for every game trying to serve you, the fan, by selling you the best tickets they can. Like I said, they make money doing this. Don’t ask me how. I barely passed Algebra.
  10. Join the Jazz Dunk Team – I know what you’re thinking, “Join? But I’ll only be here for one game.” Well, that’s the beauty of the Jazz Dunk Team. They realize that we all have experience jumping on trampolines and they don’t mind if you descend from your seat, grab a ball, and give it a whirl.

There’s some things to think about during your stay here in Utah. I hope you enjoy yourself and your visit brings good luck because if people find out you are visiting from another country and it’s your first Jazz game and the Jazz lose? Well, if that happens my advice would simply be to RUN!

 

Q: Ever considered giving reward packages to people whose questions get answered in the mailbag? What would you put in them?

@spenbear

Not until this very moment, I haven’t. That is a great idea though. I get literally tens of questions submitted to me every month, so if your question makes it in Jimbo’s Mailbag, then you’re doing something right in your life. Congrats!

I like the idea of a Jimbo Swag Bag. Here are a few things I would include in them:

  • A handful of pastrami
  • A game-used towel (not necessarily an NBA game)
  • Part of a player’s social security number (you get to figure out whose number it is)
  • A few of the hairs off of Trey Burke’s goatee
  • Jazz dancer foundation makeup
  • Post-it notes
  • Zions Bank pen
  • Assorted Jazz Media Guides from the 2000s

Is that enough to impress people? No? Well, did I mention that they would also be receiving my 5th grade autographed class picture and a coupon for free babysitting?

I knew that would do it.

 

Q: Who do you think is the most likely Jazz player to get traded at the trade deadline?

@Steeleman77

Tis the season for trade questions! OK, here we go.

If someone had a gun to my head and demanded I tell him which Jazz player I thought would be traded this year I would use a judo move to quickly get the gun out of his hand and then point it at him. NOW who’s asking the trade questions!?!? Then I’d steal his wallet.

Anyway, if you’re asking me which player I would want the Jazz to trade, it would be Joe Ingles. If you’re asking which player I THINK the Jazz will trade, I would say no one.

Let me explain:  Joe Ingles is a funny guy and can shoot threes pretty well, but I’m not sure what else he brings to the team. I feel like packaging him and possibly another player with draft picks could land you someone who could consistently contribute.

However, like I said before, the Jazz won’t trade anyone. They don’t make trades, and if they do, it’s for future assets that turn into Jaric Milosovic, a 13 year old Lithuanian boy who is really into Minecraft, but should be hitting a growth spurt soon.

Sorry I’m being so negative. This happens every year when the Jazz get injured and/or go on a losing streak. My family says I need to either calm down or make an appointment to talk to someone. But they don’t understand how I feel. I don’t need help. I can beat this thing on my own.

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Thanks for submitting questions, you guys. Sorry if your question didn’t make it this week. Don’t be discouraged. Just submit one for next week and things will start looking up. Also, don’t forget to tell your aunts and uncles about Jimbo’s Mailbag. Don’t call them. Go to their house and tell them in person. Bring in their mail for them. Make it weird.

Jimbo Rudding

Jimbo Rudding

I am a typical Jazz fan. I think Jordan pushed off, Derek Fisher lied, Bavetta cost us at least one game in the Finals, we should have drafted Tony Parker instead of Raul Lopez, and there will never be anything better than the Stockton to Malone days. I, along with Spencer Campbell @SCampbellSBN, started the first and longest-running Utah Jazz podcast on earth. I enjoy the in-of-doors and telling people a better way of doing whatever it is they're currently doing.
Jimbo Rudding
Jimbo Rudding

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