Welcome to the next edition of Jimbo’s Mailbag! At Salt City Hoops, we know that covering a losing team without any humor can be dreary (though, admittedly, not this week). As such, we decided to add a little bit more levity to our site via Jimbo’s unique outlook on the world of Jazz basketball. Interested in submitting a question to Jimbo’s mailbag? Email it to Jimbo at email@example.com or tweet @JimboRudding to appear.
Q: So I guess you would call Trevor Booker a “Cereal Bomber?”
I want to take this moment to declare for all to hear that I am in basketball love with Trevor Booker. I know it’s only five games, but I love the way he plays and I don’t care who knows it.
He is Matt Harpring 3.0. He is a smaller, but quicker Paul Millsap. He is what I wanted so much for C.J. Miles, Mike Brown, David Benoit, Tom Chambers, and Andrei Kirilenko. You can tell by his play that he wants to win and he is NOT impressed with big names and big salaries.
I want to call him up at night, and when he answers, quickly hang up. I want to buy him a bouquet of basketball-orange flowers and leave them anonymously on his car windshield. I want to pin a boutonniere on him and take him to prom. I want to walk around the mall hand in hand with him and call him “Trev-babe.” I want him to come to my house for dinner and meet my parents.
Oh, and also it’s pretty cool that he likes cereal so much.
Q: When young Jimbo played Pokemon Red, would he start with Bulbasaur, Squirtle, or Charmander?
It gives me tremendous pleasure to not know what in Sam Hill you’re even talking about here. I know we all had our awkward phases we had to stumble through in life, but I am so glad I missed the Pokemon window.
That being said, I DIDN’T miss the New Kids on the Block window. I’m not talking about the fairly recent “Ha ha, it’s cool to like New Kids on the Block” window, I’m talking about the “If you tell any of our homies you saw my New Kids on the Block posters, I will use a pillow to smother your grandparents in their sleep and I won’t even feel bad about it” window. Granted, it didn’t last very long, but I lived in legitimate fear for several years that somehow my friends were going to know that I spent most nights doing the running man to “The Right Stuff” in my room.
So, I guess what I’m trying to say is, embrace the awkward years, because once you’re older, no one will care that you once tried to give yourself a perm using an iron and a few bottles of L.A. Looks. Oh, and also, I would start with Squirtle.
Q: Do you wonder if Kanter ever puts his mouthguard back in his mouth after it’s been over his ear and says, “Mmmmmmm, minty!?”
Best question ever! I’ve also been noticing his mouthguard a lot lately, and although it disgusts me, I’m not sure where else would be a better spot to place it while you’re sitting on the bench. And then I got thinking, hmmm, maybe it’s time to make a list.
So, below are a few places you could potentially place your mouthguard while you’re waiting to get back into the game:
After creating that list, I think behind the ear is as good a place as any.
Q: Could we get Greg Foster on the bench to teach Kanter the throat slash gesture, how to dress like Don Knotts, and how to pick up chicks?
Did you follow Kanter’s early days on Twitter? There’s NO WAY that Greg Foster could teach him anything he doesn’t already know about dressing like Don Knotts and picking up chicks. The throat slash gesture though, that’s something I would LOVE to see Big Turk put in his repertoire.
I have loved watching Kanter’s “bully ball” down low. However, I still think there is TONS of room for improvement as far as the “tenastiness” goes. Do you like that word? I just made it up. You see, it’s a combination of the words “tenacity” and “nastiness.” Since I am revealing it for the first time, pretty soon you may eventually see it displayed proudly on “free poster night” at Energy Solutions Arena. So, I guess I better add one of these–Tenastiness™. I’m gonna be rich!!!
Unfortunately, one of the memories I will always have as a Jazz fan is of Dirk Nowitzki slapping the ball out of Favors’ hands and Earl Watson having to come over and give Dirk the business. I couldn’t believe Favors just stood there and took it! I was embarrassed for him. I mean, I don’t usually like to compare any of our players to Karl Malone, but there is no way the Mailman would have let that go. At the very least he would’ve been sharpening up his elbows.
So, yes, I would welcome a lesson on proper taunting/tenastiness™. I don’t know if the throat slashing gesture is always appropriate, but the whole team could learn some techniques from past players who weren’t star struck while on the court. Except for maybe Trevor Booker. He has my permission to skip these lessons if he would like. I love him.
Q: Hey Jimbo, who would win a game of one-on-one: Rudy Gobert or Allen Iverson or Jimmer? You are the ref.
Actually, I’m no mathematician, but wouldn’t this be a game of one-on-one-on-one? If that’s what you meant, then how many basketballs would they be playing with at once? Would one guy guard two guys with one ball each or would two guys guard one dribbling two basketballs? OK, never mind. I just confused myself.
I guess if I’m the ref, I would be legally obligated to call a foul anytime Allen Iverson fell down, right? In that case, Iverson wins handily.
Thanks for the questions, y’all!