Welcome to the next edition of Jimbo’s Mailbag! At Salt City Hoops, we know that covering a team without any humor can be dreary. As such, we decided to add a little bit more levity to our site via Jimbo’s unique outlook on the world of Jazz basketball. Jimbo, by virtue of being recently featured in the Deseret News, is now the world’s most famous Utah-based basketball mailbag artist. Interested in submitting a question to Jimbo’s mailbag? Email it to Jimbo at firstname.lastname@example.org or tweet @JimboRudding to appear.
Q: Are you still planning on cleaning the garage tonight?
– your wife
What the??? Hon, how did you even submit this question? We only have one computer. Are you hacking into my accounts?
I told you I had a lot to do tonight and I would get to it eventually. Please, respect my space and let me answer these questions. I promise, if there’s time after I’m done, I will clean the garage.
Q: The Jazz added depth everywhere but where it’s needed most: the mascot. Is there a bench Bear who can handle 15–18 minutes a night?
I sure hope so. Ever since they hired L’il Bear I’ve been wondering if the plan is to phase Big Bear out altogether and just let the little guy run rampant in the arena.
The Jazz Bear was introduced in November of 1994. So, assuming the Bear was in his mid to late 20’s back then, he’d have to be in his mid to late 40’s right now. That’s like 176 in Bear years.
I mean, props for being able to do all those crazy stunts for over two decades, but the human body wasn’t meant to do the splits after the age of 29. If I were him, I’d probably start thinking about calling it quits in the near future and handing the reigns to another guy. All it takes is losing focus for a split second while riding a bike or toboggan down the arena stairs and then BOOM! permanent hibernation.
It’s not like I don’t enjoy watching the Jazz Bear; I do. In fact, he reminds me a lot of my late Uncle Ray who was a semi-recluse who never married, but used to invite the extended family over to his house for barbecues. When we’d arrive he’d have dozens of ladders set up in his backyard with a big sign that said, “Ray’s Circus.” He’d make his ferrets climb up and down the ladders and then jump through fiery hula hoops and into kiddie pools. Then he’d climb up a few ladders himself and try to do handstands and other tricks like jumping from the top of one ladder to another. He’d fall every once in a while, but play it off like it didn’t hurt and was all part of the act.
Sadly, Uncle Ray passed away in 2002 after doing a swan dive off of his roof into an above-ground pool late at night. It was fall and the water was cold. He died of pneumonia a few weeks later.
Luckily for us Jazz fans we also have that L’il Bear. He’s really the closest thing to an ewok any of us will ever get. Sometimes I just want to pick him up and take him home and teach him to be a good citizen and a positive icon in the community. Then I worry that the Jazz will freak out and call the government and a bunch of agents will find out I have him and offer me a sizable reward if I allow them to take him and then I’ll accept the reward and then they’ll do experiments on him and ultimately dissect him in their lab.
…wait, WHAT?? NO! Jimbo, remember, there’s a guy in that bear suit! You gotta stop doing this, man. See, this is EXACTLY why people always say that they’re worried about you.
Q: Since Kevin Durant got a tattoo of Tupac now that he’s in California, what tattoo should Hill, Diaw, and Johnson get now that they’re in Utah?
I must’ve missed that story about Durant getting the Tupac tattoo.
I did recently see a photo of Durant with his shirt off and I had no idea he had that many tattoos. I don’t know if it was the angle or the lighting, but it looked like his whole chest was a tattoo of Winnie the Pooh and his nipples were the eyes. You think I’m joking? Go Google it and cross your eyes for a second and then focus on his belly button. If at first you see a sailboat, just keep looking. You’ll see it.
I would advise anybody against getting tattoos… unless they’ll for sure look hecka-sick. Then get as many tattoos as you can because YOLO and because you’re a firework and c’mon show ‘em what you’re worth and whatnot.
If I were advising Hill, Diaw, and Johnson on which type of tattoo to get, I would suggest that all three get a giant Winnie the Pooh on their chest and have their nipples be the eyes. If they refuse and want a Utah-themed nipple… err, I mean, tattoo, then these would be my suggestions:
Q: Don’t forget about the garage?
– your wife
Babe, I told you earlier that I’d do it. Please, just let me finish this. You’re embarrassing me!
Q: If the Jazz win the title this year, who walks off the airplane wearing a Stone Cold shirt and has a title around their waist?
You mean WHEN the Jazz win the title this year? Thought so.
My money’s on Rudy Gobert or Trey Lyles. They’re probably the two guys on the team with the most personality. The rest of the team is made up of a bunch of smilers and clappers. I’m not dissing the team either. As a man who never attended a party in high school where people were drinking out of red Solo cups, I wholeheartedly approve of staying out of trouble and being “boring.”
Think about it — the Utah Jazz have a plethora of guys who would be PERFECT roommates. They’re not going to start a fight at a party or stay out all night doing Ecstasy behind a Sconecutter or even eat the rest of your Cocoa Pebbles without asking. They’re going to keep to themselves and read a lot. Sure they may make you uncomfortable with how attached they become to their pet beta fish or how heavily the get into LARPing, but the point is, they’re not going to embarrass themselves or the team. We should all be thankful for that.
We don’t need a bunch of J.R. Smiths and/or Metta Artests out there doing weird stuff on and off the court. We’re the Utah Jazz. All our players need to stay entertained is Netflix, video games, and maybe some neighbors who yell at each other while doing yard work. Oh, and also we need to win enough to make the playoffs and keep improving so that the fans don’t start rioting.
Q: How many hours would you walk around if Pokemon released a special Jim Les character? Who else would you walk around for?
There are two things I know — Jim Les is the worst and absolutely NOTHING about Pokemon. The funny thing is, I could Google it and read more about it, but it is much too late right now and I have a history of throwing myself into fads and hobbies and am now legitimately scared of trying new things. For instance, back in 1998 I used to be the proud owner of over 600 Giga Pets, all of which I individually named and cared for. I would put them all in a backpack and strap the backpack into a car seat whenever I’d go anywhere. It was weird.
Since you mentioned Jim Les, I assume while playing Pokemon you walk around and totally destroy the characters somehow? If that’s the case, then I absolutely would walk around for the Jim Les character.
Here’s a list of other Pokemon characters I’d walk around trying to destroy:
Q: What NBA player should run for POTUS? And who for his running mate? Could he balance his NBA career and be president?
This year, I can honestly say that I would vote for practically any NBA player before I’d vote for Hillary Trump or “The Don” Clinton. Back in 2008 I wrote in Paul Millsap for President because he had a great night against the Clippers the night before. I don’t remember exactly why, but I also wrote in John Travolta for Vice President. Actually…thinking about it now–the night before may have been the time I dressed up in my 50’s clothes and sang “Grease Lightning” for the neighbors. It was either that or I had just watched “Phenomenon.” Those are the only things I can think of that would make sense.
If I had to pick an NBA player to be the president I’d pick DeMarcus Cousins. He’d be the perfect POTUS because he wouldn’t be happy about anything. And that’s exactly what we need as a country. We need a president who isn’t satisfied with consistently losing and isn’t afraid to call out big wigs for not being aggressive enough. We need a president who will be strong and won’t back down even if he feels the calls are bogus and he’s getting picked on. Make America Cousins again!
I think DeMarcus could handle both playing in the NBA and being president. He’s a hard worker, he loves his country, and he doesn’t use his friends for their Sea Doos. Plus, he has a hard time sleeping in. When he’s up, he’s up, you know? But that’s good because getting up early is very important when you’re in charge of running the country.
For his running mate I’d probably pick Jason Priestley because he had some awesome hair in Beverly Hills 90210.
– your wife
Ok, just let me get my shoes.
Thanks for all the questions this week, you guys! Remember to tell everybody at the July 24th parade about Jimbo’s Mailbag. Do it while wiping the sweat off your brow with the bottom of THEIR shirt. Make it weird.