Jimbo’s Mailbag – Why Are Balding BYU Guys So Good At Basketball?

August 22nd, 2014 | by Jimbo Rudding
Which will come first: a Jimmer RT or the Jazz making it to the playoffs? Jimbo answers. (Photo by Rocky Widner/NBAE via Getty Images)

Which will come first: a Jimmer RT or the Jazz making it to the playoffs? Jimbo answers. (Photo by Rocky Widner/NBAE via Getty Images)

Editor’s note: At Salt City Hoops, we know that covering a losing team without any humor can be dreary. As such, we decided to add a little bit more levity to our site. Welcome to Jimbo’s Mailbag! For those of you unfamiliar, @JimboRudding has been trolling NBA figures and making hilarious Jazz jokes for years now, both on his Twitter feed and on the Utah Jazz Podcast. We decided to give him a mailbag, a la Drew Magary or Bill Simmons, to give him more than 140 characters to do his best work. Interested in submitting a question to Jimbo’s mailbag? Email mailbag@saltcityhoops.com for your chance to appear. 

 

Q:  Which happens first: You get a RT from Jimmer or the Jazz return to the playoffs? And which would you rather have happen?

– Jody G.

I honestly believe that neither will be happening anytime soon. What WOULD be cool is if the @utahjazz gave me a RT and Jimmer went to the playoffs. Just him and a new team made up of some balding BYU players of his choice. Not the “shaved head” type of bald; I’m talking about the “Michael Bolton in denial for decades” bald. That BYU bald guy is deceivingly good at basketball.

And do you know why he’s good at basketball? Because he started going bald in 8th grade and had nothing to do on a Saturday night save play one-on-zero in his backyard. He’d play until he made a few in a row and gathered enough confidence to call Melissa Donavon, ONLY the hottest girl in school, to see if she wanted to hang out with him at the mall sometime. Now, this was a great idea because his brother Travis (who was also balding) worked at Copper Rivet and said he would let them use his employee discount, but only on a small selection of jeans and hats.

However, as soon as he dials the last digit in her telephone number he starts thinking about how Melissa Donavon would NEVER want to hang at the mall with “borehead” (what he imagines his nickname is to everyone at school because he is boring and also, you know, the balding thing which was covered earlier). So what ends up happening is he gets really angry and decides to channel that anger into learning how to be really good at left-handed layups.

And so in conclusion, if Jimmer RT’d one of my tweets, the first thing I would do is be VERY surprised. The second thing I would do is leave him alone forever. He seems like a good dude and probably doesn’t deserve what I’ve been doing to him the last couple of years.

Also, the Jazz making the playoffs would be pretty neat.

 

Q:  What is your favorite condiment?

- Moni

Raspberry Chipotle Mustard. I just made it up right now, but it is delicious. Seriously, you should try it. It’s GREAT on English muffins. I’m actually thinking of marketing it to Taco Bell. If everything goes as planned, the Taco Bell parachutes will have a free sample tucked into the t-shirts.

 

Q:  Do you think Jazz attendance would increase if you entertained the crowd for four quarters and the NBA teams played at halftime?

– Jody G.

I don’t know if I have quite enough material for four quarters, but I definitely have some ideas for entertaining halftime shows. Here are a few (these ideas are protected under copyright law):

  • I do this bit where I come out on a BMX bike while balancing 14 bowls on my foot and I try to kick them onto a bowl balancing on my head. The “Sixth Sense ending” part of the trick is instead of kicking them onto my head, I kick them to 14 lucky fans on the first couple of rows. Just when they think it was all a huge failure, that’s when my assistants bring out boxes of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and milk, which I also kick into the stands. I call it: “Cereal Kicker”.
  • I earn all 121 Boy Scout merit badges in a little over 23 minutes. It is anticipated that the crowd will get a little bored during the Citizenship in the Community badge, but the plan is to reel them back in with the Farm Mechanics badge.1
  • I call all the children down from their seats to the floor and get them to all try asparagus. If they refuse, I refuse to let the teams come back for the second half. If they continue to refuse, I show them the clip from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom where the guy tears out that man’s heart with his bare hand. The best part about this one is everyone in the arena gets the Full Screen version of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom on DVD taped underneath their chair.

I think after word got out of these acts, the attendance would take care of itself.

 

Q:  Would you rather fight a horse-sized duck or 100 duck-sized horses?

- @Snark_Tank

Wow, great question. I think I would have to go with a horse-sized duck because it wouldn’t take long to break that thing like a pony and get free parking at Crown Burger if I spend $14 or more on my meal. Don’t worry, I’d leave it a gyro to snack on while I’m at the game.

 

Q:  How do you think John Lucas III will introduce his game to his new Cleveland teammates?

– Andy L.

I imagine introducing himself to the team would go something like this:

“Hey fellas! The name’s JL3, but y’all can call me either ‘Jiggy Luke’ or ‘Johnny for THREE!’

*pointing at beard*

“Me and this beard go WAY back. I started growing it for good luck on threes. Have y’all seen the YouTube clip where I hit like 18 threes?”

I imagine introducing his game to the team would go something like this:

*dribbling into traffic–turnover*

*dribbling off of foot–turnover*

*shoots a three—IT’S GOOD*

*shoots 17 more threes—zero are good and one even hits the shot clock on the top of the basket*

 

Q:  Which Jazz player would have the best looking statue?

– Andy L.

This is a toss-up between Gordon Hayward and Jim Les. Both are EXTREMELY good looking with absolutely impeccable jaw lines.

The more I think about it though, the more I lean towards Gordon Hayward. Just imagine, a 30-foot statue of Gordon seated in front of two computer monitors wearing giant headphones. An excited, yet determined, look on his face. Behind him would be a pegasus carrying the noble hatchet of Abthony in its mouth while being chased by a scorpion-like beast with fire tentacles. The best part about the statue would be a tiny crystal attached to Gordon’s chest that glows on nights of a crescent moon. One of those easter egg things that only the craziest fans know about: if you hit it with a stick, it causes dozens of proton life orbs to ooze out. The orbs would be absolutely free for the fans to take home and do with them what they wish.

 

Q:  Favorite local sportswriter: DJJazzyJody or Jody Genessy?

– Jody G.

Wow, this is a hard one. I mean, one does interviews with a stone-cold poker face and the other takes photos of things while doing the Macarena. I’m going to have to go with DJ Genessy.

 

Q:  What would a Jazz schedule created by Jimbo look like?

– Andy L.

It would actually look a lot like a normal schedule, except for the following caveats:

Lakers games – Kobe is forced to play the entire game in his white cowboy hat from the infamous photo shoot a few years ago. If the hat falls off during the game, he is required to drink a Gatorade with a tranquilizer in it.

Knicks game – Before the game even starts, coach Derek Fisher is required to give a 15-minute PowerPoint presentation on the importance of honesty.

Cavaliers game – John Lucas III is required to turn the ball over…well…actually, just go out there and have fun, Lucas!

Liked Jimbo’s Mailbag? Submit more questions for next week at mailbag@saltcityhoops.com or down below in the comments.

Jimbo Rudding

Jimbo Rudding

I am a typical Jazz fan. I think Jordan pushed off, Derek Fisher lied, Bavetta cost us at least one game in the Finals, we should have drafted Tony Parker instead of Raul Lopez, and there will never be anything better than the Stockton to Malone days. I, along with Spencer Campbell @SCampbellSBN, started the first and longest-running Utah Jazz podcast on earth. I enjoy the in-of-doors and telling people a better way of doing whatever it is they're currently doing.
Jimbo Rudding

4 Comments

  1. Brett H says:

    There will always be some no-fun-having readers who will create blowback on this kind of stuff, but this is great. Sure, serious writing and statistical analysis enriches the fan life, but so does remembering that sports are fun and can be fun and funny.

  2. Not the same Brett H says:

    This is truly a historic day in Salt Lake City, this is just phenomenal Jimbo, well done!

  3. Andy Larsen says:

    Apparently, the Venn Diagram of “People who comment on Jimbo’s Mailbag” and “People named Brett H” is a perfect circle.

  4. yakeyonsen says:

    The Hayward statue sounds magnificent.

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