Welcome to the next edition of Jimbo’s Mailbag! At Salt City Hoops, we know that covering a losing team without any humor can be dreary. As such, we decided to add a little bit more levity to our site via Jimbo’s unique outlook on the world of Jazz basketball. Interested in submitting a question to Jimbo’s mailbag? Email it to Jimbo at email@example.com or tweet @JimboRudding to appear.
Q: What are five jobs in Salt Lake City that Andris Biedrins could most likely land now that he’s not playing basketball?
That’s funny you should ask this question because I just saw him in line at Jo-Ann Fabrics on Black Friday. He had a cart chock-full of wreaths and was softly singing “Baby it’s Cold Outside” with a very large Asian woman.
I also saw him a few weeks ago polishing the Stockton and Malone statues outside the ESA. When I asked what he was doing, he said that the Jazz pay him to polish the statues once a month. It’s pretty heart-warming to know the Jazz give back so generously like that.
Here are five jobs that I think Andris Biedrins would thrive in:
Andris is so talented, I believe he would excel in most anything he takes on.
Q: When Jazz trainer Gary Briggs develops technology that could put Rudy Gobert’s legs on Trey Burke and Trey Burke’s legs on Rudy Gobert, who plays point guard?
I feel like even though this could be really fun to watch, it would be “turnover city,” and that is the exact opposite of what the team needs right now.
That being said, I think to play point guard you should probably have short legs. Plus, if you have Gobert’s arms combined with Burke’s legs, then in reality you have four legs total, right? I don’t care what anybody says, four legs is always better than two.
So, yes, I would choose Burke’s short legs on Rudy Gobert to play point guard. I really feel like Jazz fans would embrace that type of mutant point guard too. I guarantee that if Goburke walked into an RC Willey, the salesman would treat him no different than he would you or I. “Sure, we have curio cabinets. Right this way sir,” he’d say.
We Jazz fans would make it a point to walk over and shake Goburke’s giant hand and thank him for all he has done for the community. And as we shook hands we’d notice how dry and rough his the back of his hands were. He would apologize, saying that because his legs are so short and his arms are so long, it’s hard to sometimes not let them drag on the ground. Then we’d lovingly lecture him about proper skin care especially in these dry, harsh Utah winters and he would thank us and maybe give out curio cabinets to the next 2-3 people he saw?
We Jazz fans are a VERY accepting people and I, for one, would welcome him with open… arms.
Oh man! The more I think of this, the more excited I get for the future, when this type of technology is available to all.
Q: In the 90’s, I bought DOZENS of lucky troll dolls. I live in my mom’s basement. How long do these take to work?
Ha ha! Trust me, if it takes half as long as my Beanie Babies do to appreciate in value, then you’ll be brushing mother’s hair for a long time, my man.
Don’t lose faith in the troll magic though. I’ve had a few glued to my dashboard of my car for the last 13 years and guess how many accidents I’ve had? Just three, but one of them wasn’t my fault. The stupid Schwan’s guy was texting and driving.
Also, I had one on the end of my pencil in high school and I passed EVERY SINGLE test I had to retake. So, you never know when the luck will come, but trust me, it WILL come.
The point is, never give up. It may be longer than you would like, but those trolls are worth every cent.
Q: Lebron says he went to Miami to learn how to win. What if the Jazz sent Millsap to ATL to learn how to win, then plan to re-sign him?
I would be totally fine with that. Millsap has always been one of my favorites, purely because he simply doesn’t have the talent and athleticism to have this long of a career in the NBA. He’s worked extremely hard for what he has and I’m a big fan of that.
The other thing I love(d) about Paul is that he ALWAYS played with a bloody lip, bloody nose, stitches in his eyebrow, fingers taped together, tooth missing, twin growing out of his elbow, and yet he hardly, if ever, sat out a game because of “gastric distress.” If he ever did get gastric distress, sure there’d be a mess on the court, but he would still have 17 points and 9 rebounds playing only 27 minutes. Meanwhile, there’s Boozer out the next 12 games because he slipped on the gastric distress and heard a pop, but was really only embarrassed about how the slip looked.
I have no idea why I said all that, but it’s just that I miss Millsap so much that sometimes it clouds my sense of judgement. It’s still unbelievable to me that he’s gone.
Q: So, who is your “John Lucas III” on the team this year?
I’ve been wondering that same thing. The Jazz aren’t winning games and usually that means that I pick one or two players on the team to unfairly blame everything on. Even though I’ve yelled at Kanter during games more than anyone else this year, I do feel like it’s a tad bit unfair because he has a lot of things going against him, like:
So, I really can’t call Kanter my new “Lucas” quite yet, and it’s hard because usually by this point in the season I have a few guys I want to “fire” from the team. Lucas was my nemesis the entire 2013-2014 season, mainly because Burke was injured and we had to rely on Lucas to actually play like he belonged in the NBA. Silly us!
I would probably say that Ingles and Novak are nominees for the “Lucas List” this year, but one’s a rookie and the other doesn’t play all that much. That being said, I have no immediate plans to add anyone at this point.
Thanks for all the questions everybody. If you want your question answered in next week’s mailbag, either tweet me @JimboRudding or email firstname.lastname@example.org.