Anticipating the possibility that the 2013-2014 season might provide some hard to watch moments for Jazz fans, the franchise has executed a major PR and marketing blitz. A new HD jumbotron will greet fans entering Energy Solutions Arena on opening night. (If one must watch sometimes-rough basketball, may as well do so in excruciating detail). The most adored people from Jazz history are back into the fold in more and less official capacities: Jerry Sloan and Karl Malone as coaching consultants, John Stockton doing pre-draft guard scouting for the team. Even Salt City Hoops’ own Laura Thompson has taken up the cause, proposing five marketing ideas I’m sure the team will implement with frenzied enthusiasm.
In the spirit of promoting all things Jazz, I propose my own marketing tool: the Utah Jazz channel! A reality television station devoted solely to celebrating all things Jazz. I mean, come on, if BYU has its own channel, why hasn’t this happened already?
In the first season of the Utah Jazz channel, fans could anticipate the following lineup of can’t miss entertainment:
The Bachelor, Turkish edition: Three lucky girls from each county in Utah get a chance to compete for a chance to win the heart of Enes Kanter. Watch Big Turkey wine and dine a bevy of beauties, frequently hauling the lucky ladies about the streets of Salt Lake City five at a time on his shoulders just to show he can. But complications arise when his extended Turkish family shows up to have their say in the match and Enes is invited to join the local singles ward. Caught between cultures and several dozen determined young women, will Enes find true love?
Undercover Forward: Gordon Hayward takes his in-the-works beard and, using a pair of glasses to obscure his identity, poses as a new-to-Utah high school junior who tries out for the school basketball team. Watch Hayward in the life of a modern teenager: bumming the car keys from his host parents; inventing a way to write a passing paper on The Scarlet Letter without actually reading it; overcoming his football player rival, the creepy Zac Efron who is himself under cover, for the affection of the second hottest cheerleader in the school after the first heartlessly jilts him. Immersed in adolescent angst and without even the cash to stop by Subway, can the Undercover Forward lead his new team to national prominence?
The Postal Apprentice: Derrick Favors spends the summer on Karl Malone’s Louisiana ranch in Coach Malone’s unique style of survival camp. Watch the franchise’s greatest hope train by braving a gauntlet of “accidental” elbows, whispering forgotten charms at the free throw line, and chasing down deer and snapping their necks with his bare hands, all with mentor and master Karl by his side. Watch Favors battle to measure up to the icon on his home turf, where to thrive is to survive!
Inappropriate If Not Dirty Jobs: Following an excruciating season littered with DNP-CD’s and minutes at point guard granted with the expectation of controlled play, pass-first mentality, and strong outside shooting (and pointedly NOT going for one’s own offense by attacking the rim and getting to the line at an unreasonable rate), Alec Burks seeks to attempt jobs even less suited to his nature. Watch Alec brave life as a theology student, jockey, mime, and even a truffle-searching-pig trainer.
Survivor—Salt Lake City: How will Ohio native and former Michigan standout Trey Burke survive on his own in the wild west? Will he learn to cook or depend upon constant neighborhood dinner invitations that apparently involve some strange green Jello ritual? How will he respond when a drunken fan accosts him wearing a T-shirt that reads “German made: Schroeder would have been shrewder”? Will he mentally endure the disappointment of coming to grips that Kyle Korver truly is no longer on the Jazz? Watch young Trey fight to resist grid navigation dependence, seduction into professional video game play by his team captain, and despair at not being able to properly pronounce even common English words like “mountain” or “creek.”
The Biggest Gainer: Join Rudy Gobert and Jeremy Evans in a battle of the bulge. Which lanky young man can gain the most weight with the help of trainer Larry the Cable Guy? With an eye toward weekly public weighings in spandex, Rudy and Jeremy cram fried foods, squat with top hats on to build their legs, and try diverse tricks for packing on the pounds. In the season finale, each player is charged to show enough substance to box out Deron Williams for a successful rebound.
Additionally, the following shows would get audience feedback in pilot production to gauge audience interest:
The Mystery Men: John Lucas III and Ian Clark live out of the same one bedroom apartment, challenging fans to watch their shared lives and determine which is which.
Extreme Makeover Williams Edition: A brain trust of basketball greats assembles to transform Marvin Williams into the player expected when he was selected with the 2nd overall pick or, barring that, a legendary crooner like the man for whom he is named.
As the Raul Turns: A melodrama of Raul Neto trying to play a constructive role on Lagun Aro GBC in Spain while smitten Utah girls continually show up with ever more creative plots of seduction trying to enspell the young man.
The Six Million Dollar Rush: We can rebuild him. We have the technology. Better, stronger, faster… and as we’re already paying him four million a year, why not?
Beyond Belief – Fact or Fiction: Does Ante Tomic in fact exist or it is just another conspiracy of the military-industrial complex, like Area 51 or Kristen Stewart?
All coming soon!
So while you’re badgering Direct TV to pick up the Pac-12 Network, tell them “I want my Jazz Channel!”