Jimbo’s Mailbag – Jazz Trade Rumors

(Photo by Melissa Majchrzak/NBAE via Getty Images)

Welcome to the next edition of Jimbo’s Mailbag! At Salt City Hoops, we know that covering a team without any humor can be dreary. As such, we decided to add a little bit more levity to our site via Jimbo’s unique outlook on the world of Jazz basketball. Jimbo, by virtue of being recently featured in the Deseret News, is now the world’s most famous Utah-based basketball mailbag artist. Interested in submitting a question to Jimbo’s mailbag? Email it to Jimbo at mailbag@saltcityhoops.com or tweet @JimboRudding to appear.

Q: I say we could trade Elijah Millsap for a REALLY nice new washing machine. What other things could we trade him for?

@jadleyjazzboy

Meh, I already have a washing machine. It works okay if you kick it while pushing the START button.

No disrespect to Millsap, I’m sure he is a sweetheart of a guy, but I’m not convinced he’s an NBA player. He can’t shoot. He can’t dribble. He can’t pass. Basically what I’m trying to say is he’s a slightly bigger me out there on the court. Sure, his defense is pretty good when he’s not fouling, but that doesn’t seem to be the case very often this year.

I’m just spitballin’ here, but maybe it’s time to take a closer look at some of these Millsap trade ideas:

• Millsap for Steve Novak – Steve can shoot and he’d be cheap.
• Millsap and Ingles for Stephen Curry – The Warriors already have a bunch of good players, but Jingles would improve their bench considerably. The Jazz probably say no to this one.
• Millsap to RC Willey for a leather sectional – Millsap is in the NBA so we already know he would be a good RC Willey salesman. Leather sectionals are expensive and would be a great addition to the locker room.
• Millsap and Burks to California for Fuddruckers – I would do this one in a heartbeat. For some unknown reason, The Fudd left our great state a few years ago and I’ve been going through burger withdrawals ever since.
• Millsap for a little respect from my neighbor who parks his truck on his grass – It’s like, c’mon man, have a little pride in your property, you know?

Q: Hearing whispers Andris Biedrins is primed for a Jazz comeback. Side note, I’m sitting at a Greyhound station next to Andris Biedrins.

@SpamIsDelish

I wouldn’t mind seeing the “Croatian Sensation” in a Jazz uniform again. We could really use another veteran big guy off the bench and “The Big Czech” is the epitome of a “big guy off the bench.”

I’ve been told that the “Fetchin’ Chechen Wreckin-ball” is still in town and could easily be had for a couple hundred bucks and some gift cards to Fashion Place Mall. Here are some of the places he’s been spotted lately:

• Using the bathroom at Pioneer Park.
• Running really fast and sliding on his knees on the ice at the Olympic Oval in Kearns just like Kevin Bacon does in Footloose.
• Eating a boatload of frites at the Bruges Waffles & Frites.
• Arguing with a Best Buy employee about why they don’t have the movie “Iron Will” in stock.
• Balancing a bunch of garbage on his chin for money at the Gateway.
• Taunting the giraffes at Hogle Zoo.
• Carrying a bunch of stuffed animals at Lagoon’s Frightmares.
• Sledding in numerous Walgreen parking lots.

I would be ecstatic if we were able to pin him down somewhere and sign him for the rest of the season. He was such a glue guy in the locker room a few years ago, and by that I mean he tried to sell his Yugoslavian glue to his teammates in the locker room. It wasn’t a good way to gain the trust of the team. Dennis Lindsey was furious when he found out.

Q: Since we are on pace to finish the season with 5-6 players, do you know any guys around SLC to round out the bench?

@AS_Higgs

Right?!?! These injuries are so demoralizing. Some days I can’t even get myself out of bed.

As you well know, I have an inside source in the Jazz organization who occasionally gives me some information that none of the other media are privy to. I wont get into the specifics of who it is, but let’s just say that I caught him texting while driving and I told him the cops wouldn’t hear about it as long as he gave me the inside scoop every once in a while.

So, the scoop is–the Jazz have been looking in the D-League to try and fill some spots while guys are out. Here is a list of guys they have their eye on:

• Ben Sorfbunger 6’8” forward from Brown University – Ben has been tearing up the D-League averaging 46 points and 32 rebounds a game. He is a dead-eye from downtown. Whoops, no, sorry. I meant he HAS a dead eye from a freak accident that happened downtown. He wears an eye-patch now.
• Frank Hatch 5’7” guard from Stevens Henager College – What Frank lacks in size he totally makes up for in heart. He was born with an enlarged heart. It’s still a little bit bigger than the rest of his insides, but thankfully the rest of his body looks to be catching up. He’s scrappy on defense and rarely cuts his fingernails, so opposing players are always tentative while playing against “Hatch the Scratch.”
• Zurn Cholotzbirshk 7’9” center from Lithuania – There have been a lot of rumors that the Jazz are interested in “The Big Cholo,” but after Rudy Gobert went down those rumors turned to the opposite of rumors. The only knock on Cholo’s game is that he was born with an extra finger on both hands and some higher-ups in the NBA think the extra digits create an unfair advantage. Hopefully a decision from the league will come soon.
• Bryan Sampson 6’7” guard from Okinawa Study Abroad – Bryan has been living in Japan for over six days now and is VERY homesick. Before leaving for Japan Bryan was averaging 68 points per game at the YMCA in Little Rock. At least, that’s what Bryan was telling everybody. No one has actually seen him play, but as we all know, rumors sort of take on a life of their own in Arkansas.
• Eldon Tuianna 8’1” 348-pound guard from Riverside 4^th Ward – Eldon is a literal giant from the Islands whose ward has won regions for six years in a row. Eldon is so big that everyone in his church is scared to guard him. Despite his size, Eldon is content to sit outside the arc and shoot three-pointers. He’s a pretty good shooter and the Jazz are always willing to take a look at shooters.

The Jazz will probably just choose to weather this storm of injuries and keep the team the way it is for the time being. It is still comforting to know that there are so many capable players out there who could hold the fort.

Q: When some nobody says NBA players Trey Burke or Gordon Hayward stink, what is my justifiable reaction and what’d be too much?

@JimmerFrodette

Great question! I understand Jazz fans’ frustration right now because this was supposed to be the year the Jazz rose from bowels of mediocrity and became relevant again. Not only did we get a visit from the dreaded injury bug, that bug came and left giant bug droppings on our whole team.

To answer your questions though, I don’t understand why people say that Burke and Hayward stink. They’re the only ones currently keeping the Jazz’ heads above water. Sure, Burke shot the ball like a blind man last year, but this year he’s been pretty good. And Gordon Hayward started slow, but he’s been playing great as of late.

So, I would say the best reaction to fans’ overreactions would be to either punch their dads in the neck or just say, “Wow, freak out much?” But I would hesitate to listen to any advice I give because I don’t really know a ton about basketball and I’ve never kissed a girl before.

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Thanks for the questions, Jimbronies! From the looks of this mailbag, I’d say 2016 is off to a great start! Go Jazz!