Jimbo’s Mailbag – Just Wait Til Next Year

(AP Photo/Eric Gay)

Q: Why? Why are the Jazz being the way that they choose to be?

@artdirector_g

This is probably the best question I’ve received in the past six months. It beautifully puts into words the frustration and self-pity that every Jazz fan feels right now.

The truth is, I don’t understand it either. Why do Trey Lyles and Trevor Booker play so much together, especially in crunch time? Why didn’t the Jazz draft Kawhi Leonard, Tony Parker, Klay Thompson, Giannis Antetokounmpo, and C.J. McCollum? Why can’t they give away chocolate mints at the door after a Jazz win like they used to? Why can’t they wear the green uniforms more often? Why can’t they have seven different alternate uniforms like the rest of the league does? Why can’t Rudy Gobert have just a little bit of a jump shot? Why can’t they drop Taco Bell parachutes with tacos in them during the games? Why can’t they allow me to do a halftime act using potentially dangerous weapons? Why can’t Karl Malone come back and play a few more years? Why does Raul Neto have to be so good looking? It’s like, save some good looks for us fuglys, Raul! Why do back spasms keep our best player out triple the normal amount of time? Why can’t Trevor Booker be four inches taller and a good shooter? Why can’t Alec Burks catch a break? Why didn’t Ante Tomic just man up and come over last summer? Why when we win the draft lottery did we get the third pick and then get stuck with Enes Kanter? Why did Michael Jordan have to be so good? Why didn’t we match the contract for Wesley Matthews? Why did Deron Williams have to be so surly? Why did Boozer get hurt and stay hurt so often? Why did Big Al have to buy such a big bed? Why did the Grizzlies have to trade Pau Gasol to the Lakers? Why does Raul Neto rely on the jump-pass? Why didn’t Reese Witherspoon answer any of my letters back in 1996?

We could complain about the Jazz until the cows come home, but it wouldn’t do us any good… well, I mean, it makes us feel better, but I guess long-term it’s not healthy. Unless you complain fairly often and then I guess that would make you feel better often. Look, the point I’m trying to make is maybe we should complain and whine and dwell on the past a little more. It may help you live longer.

Q: What do you think the Jazz are going to get Kobe as a going-away present?

@SCampbellSBN

I know I’ve answered this question before, but my wheels start turnin’ whenever I think about it, so I’ll give it another shot and see what I come up with this time.

Here’s what I hope the Jazz give Kobe–nothing. That’s what I’d give him. Maybe an old plastic bag from Wal-Mart with only a receipt for Tremors on DVD inside? That’s how much I’m going to miss him. Thanks for the memories, Kobe!

Seriously though, what has he done for the Utah Jazz organization? What has he done for the state of Utah? How about us Jazz fans? What, so he was really good at basketball for 14 years and now we should give him our fry sauce or salt water taffy? He won NBA championships so now he can come ski in Park City anytime he wants? Well, a guy who lives down the street from me is pretty good at basketball, has been for some time, but no one’s given him squat. The only thing anyone ever game him was a visit from the cops because he was using his circular saw after 10 p.m.

Maybe I’m being a little too harsh? I guess if every other team is giving him a gift, maybe we should too so we don’t look like prideful, unforgiving turds like my Uncle Dale who still refuses to talk to my grandma because she got him the wrong kind of cologne for Christmas one year.

If I were in charge of finding a going-away gift for Kobe, here’s a list of things I would give him:

• A rubber basketball I won at Lagoon in 1996.
• Free horchata for life at Beto’s.
• Jim Les’ old asthma inhaler.
• Some dress boots with a zipper on the side like the ones my dad used to wear in 1988. Heck, I’d just give him my dad’s old pair.
• A video of all the foul shots he got in Utah when nobody touched him (see Devin Brown in December of 2005).
• An embroidered hanky that George Osmond used to cough and spit into.
• A piece of the baseboard from Rosanne Bahr’s childhood home.
• $50 gift card to RC Willey.
• A old home video of my sister and her friends practicing the dance moves from Paula Abdul’s “Opposites Attract” music video.
• An all-expenses paid trip to Colorado.

Even though I don’t respect Kobe as a person, I can appreciate what he and the NBA referees have done on the court over the years. What’s that you say? Let it go? Ha ha, well I have the PERFECT come back for that: no, YOU let it go!

Q: If Derek Fisher won the Powerball, would his natural instincts to get more money conflict with his natural instinct to lie?

@AllThatAmar

Ah, the Powerball. I still can’t believe I didn’t win, but I guess when you don’t buy a ticket, those odds really stack against you quickly.

If Fisher won the Powerball, I think he’d probably open a can of natural instincts the likes of which have never been opened before. He’d have around 30 families and 30 contracts all throughout this great nation of ours.

I’m just happy that Fisher has found love again. He’s a stand-up guy who I imagine just got tired of the whole “Sesame Street” thing going on at his house and needed to experience true happiness in the arms of a former teammate’s ex-lover and reality TV superstar. I mean, who DOESN’T want that in their life? It’s a classic love story. In fact, I think Taylor Swift may have written a song about it. It’s called “Midnight Fights” or “Finding a New Family” or something like that. If she hasn’t written a song about it, there’s plenty of material for a whole album. Good luck, Taylor!

Q: Should the Jazz motto be “Just wait ’til next year” every season?

@Steeleman77

Wow, so much negativity in this week’s mailbag. It’s cool. I get it.

It’s just so frustrating because the Jazz were set to have an awesome year where they would grow together as a team and solidify their defense and then the injury bug decided to make its home in the Jazz organization. I even heard that a member of the Jazz dunk team had a dry patch of skin on his arm that he scratched too often and it got infected and now he can’t seem to stop picking at it. A few Jazz dunk team members quit because of it and the rest of them refused to perform unless every inch of the blue mats were disinfected.

It’s like it’s opposite year or something, right? I mean, here is a list of the goals that the Jazz made before the season started and how they are currently going:

1. Make the playoffs – Still barely hanging onto the eighth spot despite being decimated by injuries.
2. Favors makes the All-Star team – Strong start to the season, but has back spasms that last so long he is now being tailed by a Worker’s Comp private investigator.
3. Hayward makes the All-star team – He has a bad start to the season.
4. Exum improves his offensive game and gets stronger – Tears ACL and is out until March.
5. Remove “UTAH” from the butt area of the uniform – Still there.
6. Let Alan Handy go – That actually happened, but he refused to be fired and now does his job for free.
7. Get a blonde, foreign woman to take care of the social media end of things – This actually went exactly according to plan. So, good job on that one.
8. Bring on Trey Lyles slowly – Injuries to other players caused the Jazz to rely on him for defense and scoring too early.
9. Introduce a new ¾-sized Bear to complete Jazz Bear mascot trio – They found out that the guy who was supposed to be the ¾-sized Bear lied on his resume and really can’t do the splits.
10. Have better halftime entertainment – I still have not been contacted.

I’m trying to remain optimistic. We still have a little over half of the season remaining. That’s PLENTY of time for players to get healthy and to make a strong playoff push. Unfortunately, it’s also plenty of time for another couple of players to break a hand or cheekbone. Optimism!!!

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Thanks again for the questions, you guys! Remember, share Jimbo’s Mailbag with former families and long-lost lovers. They’ll thank you for it. I guarantee it!