Jimbo’s Mailbag – Why You Shouldn’t Get Too Excited About This Season

Utah Jazz logo, from June 2010. (Steve C. Wilson, Getty Images)

Welcome to the next edition of Jimbo’s Mailbag! At Salt City Hoops, we know that covering a team without any humor can be dreary. As such, we decided to add a little bit more levity to our site via Jimbo’s unique outlook on the world of Jazz basketball. Jimbo, by virtue of being recently featured in the Deseret News, is now the world’s most famous Utah-based basketball mailbag artist. Interested in submitting a question to Jimbo’s mailbag? Email it to Jimbo at mailbag@saltcityhoops.com or tweet @JimboRudding to appear.

Q: You get invited to the BYU/Utah game, but have to sit between Derek Fisher, Rony Seikaly, and Ron Harper. You going?

@hoopsapprentice

I’m guessing you meant Derek Harper? Ron Harper is the one who hit a bucket after the shot clock had expired in the 1998 NBA Finals. You know, the one that Dick Bavetta allowed and we Jazz fans were totally fine with?

Just for future reference:

Derek Harper = “You go live in Utah.”

Ron Harper = Dick Bavetta’s buddy.

It’s okay. I’ve made the same mistake numerous times.

As for the Holy War game–would I go? Sure I’d go! Would I make an effort to talk to them? No, I wouldn’t.

First of all, if Seikaly and Harper were at a football game in Utah, I would have to assume they were lost. From what I’ve heard, neither of them have plans to ever set foot in Utah.

Second of all, I don’t even know what to say to Fisher. I guess I wouldn’t mind sitting next to him, but if he ever said anything to me I don’t know if I’d believe it.

Q: Remember the time we told the whole school we saw you making out with the CPR dummy from Health class?

Seth (your Junior High bully)

Ummm, wow Seth, how did you even submit this question? Usually this mailbag is reserved for Utah Jazz-related questions only. I’m just really surprised you are contacting me after all these years. I thought that Principal Whiting was pretty clear when he told you to leave me alone.

By the way, yes, I DO remember that. I’ve had nightmares my whole life about that incident. I had to meet with the school counselor every Wednesday for a few months to talk about my feelings and whatnot. That incident was the sole reason I gave up my dream of becoming an EMT. So, thanks for that.

And just so you know, I wasn’t “making out” with the CPR dummy. It only looked like I was making out with her because I had my face close to hers because I thought I heard her whisper something to me while we were alone. That’s it!

If you run into people from school, please let them know what really happened.

Q: Head spinning! Fanzz sales guy was so cool while looking at fresh lids. My teams were his favs too. Was that real? Seemed real.

@FakeReaganDiary

If I’m translating your question correctly, you’re saying that you canned some peaches at Fanzz? Ha ha, just playin bro. I get it. It was salsa.

That’s actually the best feeling when you see someone with your team’s hat or jersey, especially if you’re out of town and you weren’t expecting it or whatever. It’s like, for some reason you just assumed you were the only fan for so long and then you find out other people like them too. It’s a pretty amazing feeling.

Sometimes when I see strangers on the street wearing my team’s gear I want to stop and quiz them to make sure they really ARE a fan and that aren’t one of those, “I just like the hat” impostors. I realize that casual fans exist and not everyone can be as rabid a fan as yours truly, it’s just that I wish they would become rabid. I mean, they already have the hat!

For example, ask anyone if they like The Eagles (the band) and they’ll say yes. Then ask what their favorite Eagles song is and they’ll say Hotel California. Then ask what their second favorite Eagles song is and they’ll be unable to answer because no one knows any other Eagles songs. What does this have to do with wearing team gear? Not entirely sure. I just really think the Eagles phoned in their career, you know?

So, the next time you see a stranger on the street wearing your team’s gear, maybe go give them a big hug and say “bros for life!” or something. Just whatever you do, do NOT give them a kiss on the cheek. Invite them to a barbecue before you jump into all that. Take things slow. They’ll come around eventually.

Q: What are some reasons fans shouldn’t get too excited about the upcoming season?

@Mikeyvp

Great question, Mikey! I understand where you’re coming from. There’s been a lot of buzz about where the Jazz could end up this year. There are even some national writers who are predicting the Jazz could be the only team to give the Warriors trouble, and with the pain we’ve had to endure lately, it’s hard NOT to get excited.

That being said, it may be wise for all of us to temper our excitement a little bit. The last thing we need is to have one of our starters go down with a season-ending injury and then chuck the weed eater into the field across the street like last year.

Here are some reasons we Jazz fanatics should cool our jets about this upcoming season:

• This team hasn’t even made it to the playoffs yet. Let’s not put the cart before the horse, y’all.
• It’ll take some time for the new guys to adjust to each other. The bench has potential to be really good, but Diaw and Joe J. have never played on the same team before.
• New guys have to learn the system. That takes time.
• What if one of our players gets stuck upside down during the season? No one knows for sure what’s out there.
• Boris Diaw could be severely out of shape.
• Joe Johnson could turn out to be older than we thought.
• The rest of the league could make fun of our new sleeved uniforms. Don’t get me wrong, they’re pretty rad, but the general public may not think they’re as cool as we think they are. We have to be prepared for that.
• We don’t know if our starters can stay healthy all season. Burks, Exum, Gobert, and Favors all sat a ton last year.
• What if the new floor is slippery?
• Quin Snyder is still a young coach. He’s gonna make mistakes. But that’s okay, Quin. Goonies make mistakes… just don’t make any more.
• The front office could decide to trade everyone away before the trade deadline so that we don’t make the playoffs and the season just ends and they can get a good jump on all those arena renovations.
• The arena Chik-fil-A doesn’t have waffle fries.
• Jim Les was, and still is, the worst.
• Derrick Favors is too nice. He needs to get into a good, quick fight sometime. Nothing too violent, just a pushing match or small head-butt.
• The new uniforms still say “Utah” on the butts.

Q: Remember when you accidentally wore your sister’s overalls to school?

Seth (your bully again)

Wow, you’re really letting me have it today, huh? Bringing back all those horrible memories, ha ha. Right here on the mailbag that all my friends and family read religiously, ha ha…ha…hmmm.

For the last time, I didn’t accidentally wear them to school. I wore them because my sister said she’d give me $100 if I wore them to school all day. You wouldn’t be laughing if you saw the microscope I bought with that money.

Q: If the Jazz keep getting better and teams start hiring our assistant coaches, who are some potential assistant coaches the Jazz could go after in the offseason?

@SCampbellSBN

Great question! Good assistant coaches are hard to find, so I share in your concern that someday the Jazz may have to face the fact that their assistant coaches may not be long for here.

Here is a list I compiled of potential assistants the Jazz could go after:

• Hank Noodles – Hank played semi-pro basketball for the Montreal Snorklers back in the late 1970’s and has bounced around here are there. One thing that Hank is really good at is teaching dribbling techniques. He’s credited with inventing the “dipsy doodle” dribbling move that the Harlem Globetrotters made famous.
• Perry Snib – Coach Snib is a coaching lifer. He’s what people call a “Whistle Baby” because he was born with a whistle in his mouth. It wasn’t a real whistle, more of a jawbone overgrowth that made a whistling sound whenever he cried. His parents got it fixed when Coach Snib was a teenager and now he only has a slight lisp. Great coach, though.
• Sabado Monteiro – Coach Monteiro is one of the best coaches to ever come out of mainland China. He taught a lot of famous Chinese basketball players, namely: Yao Ming, Jiang Li Jian, Jet Li, Sam Allen, Mao Zedong, Jackie Chang, and Dalai Lamar.
• Todd Chuckles – Coach Chuck was at one time an ABA Player of the Year for the Des Moines Ray Guns. He is known throughout the sport as being a real stickler for making sure players obey curfew. He’s always telling players that nothing can replace a good night sleep, except for listening to certain Bread songs in the bath tub, which he makes players do if caught out past curfew.
• Fronk Gutz – Coach Gutz played for the Phoenix Suns back in the day. At least, that’s what he tells his players. It only recently came out that he actually played for the “Free Nixons,” which was a small basketball team that would go around protesting the impeachment of Richard Nixon through basketball game.
• Siobhan Tremaine – Coach Tremaine is known in the basketball world for her unorthodox ways of teaching the game. For instance, she has been known to make players practice in roller skates while listening to the Xanadu soundtrack. She has coached the University of Hickory Farms for the last 27 years and is 639–3 in her coaching career.

Q: Remember the time we duct-taped your arms to the ceiling fan in the drama room and turned it on Low?

Seth (Junior High bully here)

Seriously, how are you hacking into this mailbag?!?! I’m getting ready to contact the site administrators and find out how you’re getting in. That was over 20 years ago; it’s time to grow up, don’t you think?

By the way, I lost feeling in some of my fingers for a few weeks after that. It took 15 minutes for Mr. Blythe to even realize I was up there and then it took a couple of firefighters half an hour to get me down. So I hope you’re happy with yourself.

Thanks for all the questions this week, you guys (except you Seth). Remember to tell all your fellow Ute and Cougar fans about Jimbo’s Mailbag. Maybe yell “BLUE 42!” a couple of times right before you do it. Make it weird.