Jimbo’s Mailbag (Training Camp Edition) – Butler, Bird and a Whole Lot of Muscle

Following an NBA team should be fun, and Jimbo Rudding makes sure it is. Jimbo is our resident mailbag artist at Salt City Hoops, providing our regular dose of levity as he answers questions with his signature blend of creativity, humor and unabashed fandom. You can submit questions to Jimbo at mailbag@saltcityhoops.com or by tweeting to @JimboRudding. Can I get an RT for that?

Q: How many times has Jimmy Butler been confused for an actual butler?

@UtahJazzyman

I’d guess probably never. Look, the guy can’t even manage his hair properly. Do you think he could figure out how to tidy up a study or bring someone tea without spilling? No way.

Look, Butler excels at throwing a ball through an iron circle. He has millions of dollars, is a healthy, strapping young man, and obviously knows how to work hard. It’s just that he thinks he’s better than most everyone and chooses to not get along with his teammates.

My favorite part of this whole Jimmy Butler drama is that he told the Timberwolves he wanted to be traded and then proceeded to give them his three preferred destinations. Why would the T-Wolves even care where Butler wants to be traded? What does it do for them to honor his request? Butler already ruined team chemistry and caused a huge mess a few days before media day. This is the guy who was so happy about his new Minnesota home a year ago that he shared his phone number publicly and fielded calls and texts from Wolves fans.

It’s not the worst thing in the world, but it’s still pretty disgusting…especially because he’s doing it to a small-market team. Ugh, I hope he gets traded to the Orlando Magic and finishes his career on a mediocre team in a mediocre city. Also, I hope he consistently gets stuck in traffic because of all the millions of Utah families on their way to Disney World.

Q: If every year every player puts on 15 pounds of muscle during the offseason, why don’t they weigh 150 pounds more after a 10 year career?

@the6bees

Wow, a math question right off the bat??? Ugh, it’s going to be a LONG season if I have to endure math questions once a week.

Maybe if I re-read it and pick out the important parts. OK, let’s see, 15 pounds, 150 pounds, and 10 years. So, if every year there’s 15 lbs of new muscle……………………… and I give up.

The answer is—I don’t know…and guess what? I’m not afraid to say it. I don’t know. I guess I should’ve paid attention in Algebra class instead of staring out the window and wondering how they decide which rerun of Punky Brewster to show every day.

Q: Which current Jazz player is most like Larry Bird?

@BrentDRoper

I’m not familiar with a Larry bird. Is that a species of penguin?

Wait…OK….you meant Larry Bird the basketball player? Right, well that changes the answer I was going to give then.

Larry Bird was an amazing player back in the 1980s. So amazing that I don’t think Larry would even make an NBA roster if he played in this era of the NBA. I’ll go down swingin’ with that take, too. Seriously. I’ll fight anyone who disagrees with me. I’ve won a TON of arguments that way. Works every time.

If I had to compare a current Jazz player to Larry Bird, I’d probably say Joe Ingles. Bird and Ingles have a lot in common: both the whitest guy on the team, both great shooters, both look kinda gross in a mustache, both get under the skin of opposing teams, and both look like a guy who would sell leather jackets out of the trunk of their car.

Does that mean Joe Ingles will have a Larry Bird-type career? Yes, that’s exactly what that means. Duh! Didn’t you pay attention to the list I just made of their similarities? Maybe paying attention while you read is something you should……… hello??? Did your mind wander again? Sheesh! I was saying you should pay attention while you read!

Q: When the Jazz win the championship this year, how long is Gail Miller going to give you to speak at the parade?

@tj_morrison714

I’m hearing from the Jazz front office that I’ll need to keep my remarks to under 20 minutes. This will be EXTREMELY difficult to do, seeing as how I’ve had a little over 90 minutes already prepared since 2005.

Q: Can your sources look into the future and give us a little of the play-by-play from the November 9 game when Boston comes to town?

@Joel_hiller

OK, this was actually tricky for me to pull off. My sources accidentally typed “November 99th” into the time machine and it took them eons into the future, where the earth was a barren wasteland and the only source of food is a struggling KFC.

We ended up getting the sources back and after awhile I was able to convince them to hop back in the time machine and give it another try. They returned with the play-by-play transcripts a short time later. And after further adieux, here they are:

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Craig Bolerjack: “Wow! I can’t believe the Jazz are now ahead by 43 points with 10 minutes to go in the third quarter. Matty?

Matt Harpring: “Yeah, it’s pretty incredible. The Jazz came into the game ready to play and with a giant chip on their shoulder.”

Bolerjack: “…AND LOOK AT THIS! Gordon Hayward is now kneeling down in front of Gail Miller and it looks like he’s begging her to forgive him and take him back? …WOW, HE’S EVEN CRYING! Oh my! Now he’s taking off his Celtics jersey and spitting on it to prove his newfound devotion to the Utah Jazz?”

Harpring: “Boler, this is one of the strangest things I have ever seen!”

Bolerjack: “Well, Matty, it’s like I always say, you got the hammer, use it!”

Harpring: “Boler, what does that even mean? And why say that now? It just doesn’t make sense.”

Bolerjack: “Shut up, Matt. I told you, leave me alone about my hammer thing!”

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There you go. Not too exciting, but at least we find out how Gordon really feels about his mistake.

Q: Which halftime act do you consider your best?

@erushmusic

Thanks for asking this question. I gotta say, it’s rare when people ask how my acts are coming along. Usually they just demand to see more and more. More tricks, more animals, more juggling, more spears, more yogurt. More more more! Well, what about what I want??? How I feel???

To answer your question, my favorite halftime act is probably the one where I hypnotize the entire crowd and trick them into thinking they want to eat healthier. It’s hilarious to watch them all wake up and carry their nachos and sodas to the nearest garbage can.

Teams usually don’t like me doing that one because it can be a real hit to their concessions and ultimately their bottom line. Even if they lose a little money, they still have to admit that it’s hilarious to watch.

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Thanks for submitting questions, you guys. Remember to tell your neighbors about Jimbo’s Mailbag. Maybe mow “Jimbo’s Mailbag” into their lawn. Throw them for a loop by doing it at 4 a.m. Make it weird.