Jimbo’s Mailbag – Gordon’s Phone Call, Winning the Lottery & More

Following an NBA team should be fun, and Jimbo Rudding makes sure it is. Jimbo is our resident mailbag artist at Salt City Hoops, providing our regular dose of levity as he answers questions with his signature blend of creativity, humor and unabashed fandom. You can submit questions to Jimbo at mailbag@saltcityhoops.com or by tweeting to @JimboRudding. Can I get an RT for that?

Q: If you were Gordon Haywood and you finally got the nerve to call (Jazz owner) Gail Miller, what would you say?

@Jazz_Recruiter

The truth is, I don’t know what I’d say. It’s difficult to even attempt to understand what went through Gordon’s mind on that fateful July 4th and why he hasn’t called Gail yet. The truth is, no one likes to make phone calls. OK, there are a handful of weirdos out there who like it, but for the most part, no one wants to talk to anyone on the phone. But guess what? We all have to put on our big boy/girl pants on and do hard things at some point.

Like every other Jazz fan, I wanted Gordon to be acknowledged and noticed and loved around the league. He was our guy; the one we had raised and groomed to succeed in our system…but then he had to go and ruin our July 4th by picking another team and then lie and give us false hope just to ruin a little bit more of our holiday.

So the easier task would be to imagine what the phone call would sound like if we could secretly listen in, like if we bugged his phone. Of course I wouldn’t actually DO that… Ha ha… That’s illegal and I wouldn’t know the first thing about… OK, once I tried to bug my girlfriend’s phone in high school, but it didn’t work because I duct-taped a tape recorder to the receiver and her dad noticed it. Actually, everyone in her family noticed it. I used WAY too much duct tape, I guess.

Anyway, if I were to guess, I’d say the conversation between Gordon and Gail would go something like this:

Gail: Hello?

Haywood: Is Gail there?

Gail: This is she.

Haywood: Oh…hi, Gail? I mean, Mrs. Miller? Uh, this is Gordon… Haywood. I played for the Jazz a while back. I was number 20. Do you remember me?

Gail: Yes. Hello, Gordon.

Haywood: Hi… so… How are things goin’?

Gail: Fine, thank you. How are you?

Haywood: Eh, I’m OK. I finally conquered Final Fantasy VII, so that was pretty cool.

Gail: (Pauses) Oh, that’s nice.

Haywood: Yeah, the craziest part was when I found out the Sephiroths were actually clones created by an insane scientist named Hojo.

Gail: And how are the kids?

Haywood: I don’t think he had kids. He was just a crazy scientist…

Gail: No, YOUR kids.

Haywood: Oh… fine, except they’re not good at Final Fantasy.

Gail: …and your wife?

Haywood: She’s not good at it either.

Gail: …

[extremely long awkward silence]

Haywood: ………….my hair’s a lot longer now.

Gail: So, what can I do for you Gordon?

Haywood: Oh, right… I just wanted to say thanks for all the basketball.

Gail: …well, you’re welcome. It was fun having you here. We all enjoyed watching you play. I was so sorry to see you get injured last year. We were all praying for you and your family.

Haywood: Yeah, that hurt real bad. I almost cried… but I didn’t.

Gail: Well I’m glad that you’re all healed up now.

Haywood: Yeah I’m glad because of that too.

Gail: Well, thanks for calling Gordon.

Haywood: You’re welcome. And maybe give Final Fantasy a shot. It’s fun.

Gail: OK then. Bye.

Q: With the scuffle heard around the league, I’m curious to know what three players you’d like to see get punched in the face and which three players you’d like throwing those punches?

@tj_morrison714

First off, let me just say that I do NOT endorse violence, nor do I recommend it as a way to solve any disagreements and/or problems. That being said, I WOULD like to watch many NBA players embarrassed or inconvenienced in some way, including Jim Les, Ricky Davis, Derek Fisher, and Dennis Rodman, just to name a few.

Here is my list of three current players I would like to be inconvenienced:

• Draymond Green – Draymond drives up to a Taco Bell drive thru, orders three Crunchwrap Supremes and then gets all the way home before realizing they gave him three quesadillas instead. Also, one of the quesadillas had a used Band-Aid on it. Ha ha, have fun going all the way back to Taco Bell, Draymond!
• James Harden – A bunch of kids approach James Harden on the street and ask for an autograph. Noticing the kids weren’t responding to any of his questions, Harden looks down and realizes he has mistakenly signed photos of an old guy tap dancing. Harden then turns around and sees a confused Tony Danza standing behind him. Ha ha, you’re not the boss, Harden!
• Russell Westbrook – Westbrook orders a new jacket from Amazon.com and accidentally clicks on Ground instead of Same-Day shipping. Also, when the jacket finally comes, it’s an XXXL. Ha ha, have fun waiting 7-10 business days to wear your new jacket and then have fun going to the post office to ship your wrong-sized jacket back, Russ!
• Dishonorable mention: Enes Kanter – Kanter goes to the dentist and lies and tells the hygienist that he flosses regularly, but during the cleaning she pulls out most of a chicken wing from in between his teeth. Ha ha, want to change your story, Enes?

Q: I am winning the lottery and sharing half with you. What are you going to purchase with your spoils?

@RedStaplerGuy

Well, this is a real surprise and I am so grateful to have friends like you, Mr. Red Stapler!

Here are a few things I would do with my winnings:

• I would purchase Utah Jazz lower bowl season tickets and buy everyone in the arena a free J-Dawg (but only if they promise to eat the whole thing and not waste any of it).
• I would go to the closest high school to my house, pick out a nerdy kid named Caleb, and loudly announce that he is the winner of my 1998 Nissan Sentra.
• I would buy every single family in my neighborhood a copy of Speed 2 on DVD. ***Tweet me the phrase “Speed 2 is better than Speed 1” and I’ll retweet it and follow you.***
• I would hire a butler/maid to tickle my back every night until I fall asleep.
• I would start a Def Leppard cover band (actually, I may do this anyway).
• I would purchase WAY nicer 3-ring binders than the ones I’m currently using.
• I would give away a free a grandfather clock to anyone at the mall who knew all the lyrics to Gloria Estefan’s “Conga.”
• I would buy popcorn and a drink every time I went to the movies.
• I would arrange for Cami Jensen’s house (the most popular girl in my junior high) to be egged every Friday night for the next 15 years.

Thanks for submitting questions, you guys. Remember to tell your doctor about Jimbo’s Mailbag. Do it loud enough so that all the nurses and receptionists can hear you through the door… and then cough a lot. Make it weird.