JIMBO’S MAILBAG – Christmas Horror, Thanksgiving Stuffing, and Coach Fesenko

Snyder may coach the Jazz out of their current horror movie — or star in it?

Jimbo Rudding answers the burning questions on Jazz fans’ minds — with the answers only he could come up with. For years now, Jimbo’s recurring mailbag feature has brought the regular dose of wacky to Salt City Hoops. Enjoy Jimbo’s signature blend of creativity, humor and unabashed fandom, and feel free to submit questions to Jimbo at mailbag@saltcityhoops.com or by tweeting to @JimboRudding. Can I get an RT for that?

Hi everyone! Thanks for taking the time to read Jimbo’s Mailbag. If you start reading and you’re like, “Huh, this is weird.” Well, that’s because it IS weird and I’m a giant weirdo. So, I hope you enjoy.

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Q: If the whole team were a Christmas-themed horror movie, which player would be “final girl?” Would Quin Snyder be the killer or would there be a twist?

@joel_hiller

I honestly have no idea who “final girl” is. Should I? I feel like I’m on the brink of becoming elderly because I don’t get out much and I have a strong intolerance for tomfoolery and shenanigans.

The fact of the matter is: this team is already a Christmas-themed horror movie. It’s like The Shining, Scream, and Nightmare on Elm Street all mixed into one. They look horrible as of late. But you know what? It’s OK, because every horror movie has a semi-happy ending. Just when you think the guy or girl or both is about to get murdered, they just barely escape and realize that the best thing about almost getting murdered was the romance they found along the way.

But back to the Jazz being a freak show–they need to change something up because what they’re putting on the floor is a disgrace. Below is a list of things I think the Jazz are not doing that they need to start doing if they want me to continue being a contributing member of society:

• Play defense
• Make shots
• Help the helper
• Have pride
• Bring back the purple jerseys
• Box out and rebound the basketball (for crying out loud)
• Get deflections or at least in the passing lanes
• Spike the visiting team’s drinks with Ipecac
• Bring back Derek Fisher, Derek Harper, and Rony Seikaly and make them publicly explain themselves
• Serve the visiting coaches Zupas chicken avocado sandwiches

I don’t know why it’s been such a nightmare on the court lately. I mean, I don’t have all the answers… well, actually I do have all the answers, but I’m not employed by the Utah Jazz so why should I help them and make money for someone else??? Know what I’m saying?

Q: Do you think that Kyrylo Fesenko would come coach Tony Bradley if we promised to give him the pork butt that I found in your neighbor’s Traeger?

@UtahJazzyman

So YOU’RE the one who’s been stealing old meat out of my neighbor’s Traeger!?!? You better watch out, he installed motion detection lights and cameras. If you get caught, he’s going to rip you a new one on Facebook.

Fesenko was the best, wasn’t he? Just a big, dumb teenager doing whatever he thought would be funny. He actually surprised people and had some pretty decent games–if you don’t believe me, just ask Carmelo. Do you think he played well in those games because he wasn’t on the scouting report or because he really was adequate at basketball? The fact that Fez was coached by Jerry Sloan and that Fez is still alive is pretty remarkable.

I would welcome Fesenko back to coach Tony Bradley. If the Jazz hired him, Tony would have to bleached his hair and I’m not sure if Tony is willing to do that right now.

Q: Which Jazz player matches up with each member of “The Sandlot?”

@jboz92

The Sandlot is one of my favorite movies! Fun fact: Did you know that The Sandlot was filmed in Utah? In fact, the swimming pool scene was filmed in Ogden, which is the Logan of Utah. Pretty cool stuff.

Here’s a list of which Jazz players match up with which Sandlot characters:

• Donovan Mitchell – Wendy Peffercorn
• Emmanuel Mudiay – Blind James Earl Jones
• Boyan Bogdonavic – Wendy Preffrican
• David Locke – Smalls
• Booner – One of the guys carrying the cake in the park
• Jeff Green – Wanda Beefencorn
• Rudy Gobert – Smalls’ stepdad
• Dante Exum – Injured Beast
• Ed Davis – Yeah Yeah
• Joe Ingles – The kid that brings the chewing tobacco on the carnival ride

Q: Who’s flying to Memphis with me to get Mike Conley’s offense that he accidentally left behind?

@JazzManZach

Right?! Of all the wacky things that have happened this year, this is the one I can’t quite wrap my head around. I mean, he’s MIKE CONLEY! He’s supposed to be… good at basketball… isn’t he? I mean, not that he’s been terrible. I’ll be the first to admit there have been glimpses (OK, second to admit) of his awesome game, but we’re a quarter way through the season and he’s been…not what we all expected.

I don’t throw the word “cursed” around too much, but has Conley been cursed for his hairdo? Is the Jazz point guard position cursed because we played Keith McLeod over Deron Williams? Is the Miller family cursed for charging too much for movie tickets and Toyota Corollas? Are my bowels cursed for eating too many bowls of cold cereal late at night?

I guess we’ll never know… or WILL we??? … No, we probably won’t.

Q: I’ve read a statistic that Utah’s hitting 98% of their threes off the front rim. Is that true!? Please crunch the numbers.

@NBAgiam

I’m not a big fan of crunching numbers, but I figured you went to all the trouble submitting this question to Jimbo’s mailbag and I may as well bite the bullet and get crunching.

OK, according to my TI-86, the Utah Jazz are hitting the front rim on 87.54% of their three pointers. So, you’re numbers were just a little bit off. But don’t be embarrassed about that. Numbers are hard to crunch. It’s a simple mistake that a lot of people make when they don’t use Texas Instruments.

That number is incredible. Just think—if the Jazz had hit 22% more of those shots this year, they’d be undefeated this season. Teams would’ve showered and been on the bus before the fourth quarter even started. They would’ve hand written letters of apology to their team’s fans/ushers/concession stand workers.

So, don’t freak too much over those numbers–they’ll even out over time. Trust me, I took Math 1050 twice.

Q: Why am I so sad?

@NotRudysburner1

I’m not sure if you’re talking about being “sports sad” or if this is a real cry for help. If you are sad, and need someone to talk to, send me a message on Twitter and I’ll DM you. You could also call 1-800-273-8255.

Now I’m going to answer your question assuming that you’re sad because the Jazz played horrible on their road trip and against the Lakers and they look like they’re playing in a full diaper the last few weeks.

The truth is, although we love our Jazz, it’s really not that important. At least, that’s what I have to tell myself every time they lose. Think about it though—we allow our mood to change based on our favorite giant human’s ability to throw a ball through a metal circle. How messed up is that? I’ll answer that question—it’s pretty messed up. That’s the price you pay for loving sports, I guess.

That being said, if the Jazz lose their next game I’m going to throw my barbecue off of my deck.

Q: Who would win in a fight between Joe Ingles and Joel Embiid?

@BrendanMckay9

I’m not a UFC guy, I don’t have the stomach for it, but I would for sure pay to watch that fight.

Joe would just have to last a few rounds and Embiid would get so tired that he’d stop and lay down and Joe would be free to punch or pin or whatever you do to win UFC fights.

Q: What’s it going to take for the Jazz to sign Trevor Booker?

@Cooke1Pilot

Seeing as how he’s not even playing in the NBA anymore, my guess would be probably not a lot. Maybe if they promised him free rent for the first month and a brand new Instapot?

Also, he isn’t a great three-point shooter, so… he’d fit right in! Ha ha, see what I did there? Basically, it’s supposed to be funny because the Jazz as a team aren’t shooting well from three. At least, that’s what the numbers say when I crunch them.

Q: Will Rudy Gobert hit a 3-pointer before Ben Simmons? If so, will that essentially lock up the Rookie of the Year for Big Ben?

@BYUJazz12

I think Ben already has two three pointers this year, which means he’s a lock for Rookie of the Year and a front-runner for MVP as well.

I wouldn’t mind if Rudy took a three pointer now and then. He can hit them in practice, so that always translates to the game. All he has to do is bend his knees and follow through a little and that baby always has a chance of going in. It’s only a matter of time before we have a new money man in Salt Lake City!

Q: What does each Jazz player stuff his turkey with?

@kelibark

Great question! I know it’s a little after Thanksgiving, but here’s the list of every Jazz player and what they stuff they’re Thanksgiving turkey with:

• Donovan Mitchell – Love
• Dante Exum – Band-aids
• Mike Conley – Smiles
• Rudy Gobert – Le poisson
• Boy Anne Bogdonavich – Croatian dressing
• Joe Ingles – Crocs (the animal)
• Jeff Green – Crocs (the shoes)
• Emmanuel Mudiay – Turnovers
• Royce O’Neale – Candy canes
• Georges Niang – Chest hair
• Tony Bradley – Carmel
• Ed Davis – Part of his cast from his broken leg
• Quin Snyder – Hair gel
• David Locke – Coffee
• Booner – IT CERTAINLY DOES!
• Bolerjack – A cumberbund
• Harpring – Toothpaste

Thanks for reading, you guys! Remember to tell your family about Jimbo’s Mailbag during the holidays. Do it while gargling a bunch of figgy pudding. Make it weird.