A Manic Live-Blog of the Draft Lottery

In an attempt to memorialize Utah’s biggest lottery defeat since falling to number 6 in 2005, here is my stream of consciousness during the proceedings last night:

All you need to know for this live-blog to make sense is that I care way too much about the NBA Draft and wildly overrate the value of draft picks.  I rearranged my work schedule to be able to watch the draft lottery and I’ve spent all day trying to not get my hopes up about the Jazz getting Golden State’s draft pick.  I failed, and I really hope that Utah pulls it out.  Sure, the Jazz would get the Warriors’ pick next year as a consolation prize, but today Chad Ford called next year’s draft terrible and I hate delaying gratification.

5:08:  They finally turn it over to the Mock Draft crew and I’m instantly placated by the meaninglessness of everything that Jay Bilas is saying.  Thank goodness for Jay Bilas.  Mark Jones asks Bilas a question about Anthony Davis and Bilas, for the 5,868th time in his career, says that the ‘sky is the limit’ for Davis.

5:11  Jeff Van Gundy calls Magic Johnson “Earvin” and Mark Jones looked confused.

5:12:  Andre Drummond is asked about raising the age limit.  As a resident expert, he says something like, “Umm… once in my sophomore year of high school I took Home Ec… so I think I’m good.  Go UConn!!!”

5:14:  Little known fact:  the Magic 8-Ball gimmick was a late night hit for the Game Show Network back in 1992.  They used the same set.

5:20:  In order to prevent myself from thinking of things more likely than 28%, I’ve spent the last few minutes trying to figure out the age border where analysts start calling Magic Johnson “Earvin.”  So far, Jeff Van Gundy and Mike Wilbon are the only ones on the show to make the leap, so I’m thinking the age requirement is like 45.  How old is Wilbon, anyway?  I really hope we get this pick.

5:26-  Heather Cox interviews David Stern.  It’s heavily edited, but thankfully left in Stern’s dissertation on how everyone is tweeting everything all the time (at the expense of his explanation of why he thinks the age limit should be raised).

5:29-  Do the Jazz have a 28% chance or a 26% chance?  Everyone keeps saying different things.  I suppose that if Charlotte gets the first pick, all of their ping pong balls are gone, raising lower teams’ odds at jumping into the top 3.  Though, on the other hand, that also increases Golden State’s odds at getting into the lottery as well, so the proportions stay the same.  I’m not sure, but I think that the final answer is that there is a 27.3% chance that the Jazz get the pick.  Approximately.

5:33- Magic Johnson decides that Miami’s championship merit depends on their ability to beat a hobbled and old Celtics team (playing its 17th playoff game) in Boston on Friday.  Somewhere, Gregg Popovich laughs heartily and changes the channel.

5:37- Uh-oh.  We’re getting closer.  The’re back to the draft crew and this time they have the official draft ticker at the bottom.  Jay Bilas says everything about Perry Jones that everyone has been saying for two years.  He then pretends that Tyler Zeller isn’t the same person as Patrick O’Bryant and everyone else.

5:46- Mike Wilbon says that 14 teams are hoping the balls bounce their way.  Fifteen teams care this year, Wilbon.  Fifteen.

5:55-  I have no idea why Andre Drummond or Thomas Robinson are here.  What does the lottery tell them?  Drummond could fall down to number six and Robinson could go that low too.  Where is Anthony Davis?  Why am I not seeing him all the time?

5:58- They show the draft order again.  Golden State’s logo is almost illegible.  It looks more like a crystal ball.  Does that mean something?  Or is just my feed?

6:01-  Jay Bilas defends his love for Jeremy Lamb to Chad Ford (under the guise of people who don’t have Lamb in their top ten), stopping just short of saying, “Lamb played in a major conference!  A MAJOR CONFERENCE, CHAD!!!”

6:07-  The analysts pick who they think will win the lottery.  This is awesome because it actually is nothing but a guessing game, which is what they normally do, which is probably why they sound so confident when they pick teams like New Orleans.

6:08-  Everyone keeps talking about the 14 teams whose fates will be decided by the lottery!  THERE ARE FIFTEEN TEAMS CONNECTED.  The Jazz matter! Really!

6:10-  I think I’m going to be sick.  I’m going to be so sad when we don’t get this pick.  I can’t believe how likely I think 27.3% chances are.

6:12- Wes Matthews is representing Portland.  For some reason, I take this to be a bad omen.  Bob Myers and Peter Guber are here for Golden State.  One of the owners is here?  He must know something we don’t.  This is bad.  This is really bad.

6:13-  The Nets girl relays information about drug trade in Russian to Mikhail Prokhorov via ESPN.  The Cavs are staying with the hot hand.

6:15-  Rich Cho looks more scared than everyone else.  He looks like he’s the general manager of the worst professional basketball team of all time.  One final look at the odds. 27.3% chance.  I can’t breathe.

6:16- Houston, Phoenix, Milwaukee.  Chalk so far.  This is bad.

6:16:- Portland.  Wes Matthews doesn’t care.  New Orleans.  We’re doomed.

6:16- Detroit.  THIS IS OUR LAST CHANCE.

6:17-  We lost.

6:18- Anthony Davis, looking terrified at the realization that he is either going to Washington, New Orleans, or Charlotte.  This is a bad day for him.

6:20-  The commercials are still running.  I’m so sad about this.  Even a shot of LeBron  reading through Catching Fire doesn’t make me feel any better.

6:22-  Anthony Davis is going to New Orleans.  Everyone is going to say the fix is in, and maybe they’re right.  I don’t care.  Stupid Warriors.  There should be a rule voiding all losses instituted when starting five rookies.  What’s amazing is that no one is even going to care very much.  Golden State’s Oakland fans are all deeply hurt because the team is leaving and the San Francisco’s “fans” don’t care because they are rightfully embarrassed to be taking on a franchise so pathetic and useless.  Nobody cares, except for Perry Jones, who will spend the next three years underperforming in Oakland before he gets dealt along with a top-7 protected draft pick for John Lucas III, who will be putting up 13 and 7 during a contract year.  Stupid Warriors.  Stupid lottery.

If you want to read more about the Lottery Disaster, head over to SI.com and check out Zach Lowe’s article about how the lottery actually works.