Jimbo Mailbag – Utah Jazz Merit Badges

Jimbo irresponsibly hypothesizes what caused Trevor Booker to miss the Memphis/Utah game. (Photo by Melissa Majchrzak/NBAE via Getty Images)

Welcome to the next edition of Jimbo’s Mailbag! At Salt City Hoops, we know that covering a losing team without any humor can be dreary. As such, we decided to add a little bit more levity to our site via Jimbo’s unique outlook on the world of Jazz basketball. Jimbo, by virtue of being recently featured in the Deseret News, is now the world’s most famous Utah-based basketball troll. Interested in submitting a question to Jimbo’s mailbag? Email it to Jimbo at mailbag@saltcityhoops.com or tweet @JimboRudding to appear.

Q: Jimbo, what type of optional procedure did Booker have?

@gothedistance49

I was hoping someone would ask this question! I’ve given this a lot of thought ever since it was announced that Booker would miss the rest of the pre-Christmas road trip for an undisclosed medical reason. Here is a list of medical reasons that I think could have prevented Booker from playing:

• Re-cut the webbing in between his toes.
• Finish his Christmas shopping.
• Needed stitches after cutting his armpits while trying to cut the sleeves off his warm-ups.
• Getting a tattoo of himself dunking the sleeves from his warm-ups.
• Having his wisdom teeth put back in.
• Having his twin removed from his right thigh.
• Having expired Marshmallow Mateys pumped from his stomach.

I just got off the phone with someone in the Jazz front office and they would not tell me what it was Booker had done, but they DID confirm that it was one of the things on my list. So, I’m a good guesser.

Q: If you had to pick someone from the Jazz organization to be your boss, whom would you choose?

@bjspack

First, I would like someone who wouldn’t yell at me or stare at me with laser eyes, so I guess Quin Snyder is out right off the bat.

I would probably look for someone who would let me do my own thing most of the time and just casually watch me from a distance. It would also be nice if he would gently give me pointers, but not involve himself too much so as to hinder the progress I am making on my own. I would want my boss to be invested in my future, but at the same time, not really have his own plan FOR my future. Also, it would be really nice if he had a tiny mustache and talked in a Kermit the Frog voice.

Since Ty Corbin is no longer with the Jazz organization, I would have to go with Mark McKown, the Jazz Strength and Conditioning Coach.

Q: If you had the opportunity to assign one merit badge to each Jazz player, what would they be?

@spencerhall

I have been sitting and thinking about how to answer this question for the last 24 hours, which coincidentally is the same amount of time it took me to earn the Citizenship in the Nation merit badge (it is a Boy Scout record to this day).

Without further Freddy ado, here is a list of each Jazz player and the merit badges I would assign them:

• Trey Burke – Online Awareness
• Dante Exum – Dingo Hunting
• Enes Kanter – Defense (Is there a Defense merit badge?)
• Rudy Gobert – Weightlifting
• Gordon Hayward – American Business
• Derrick Favors – Citizenship in the Getting Meaner
• Alec Burks – Magic
• Rodney Hood – Archery (because he is Rodney Hood: Prince of Threes)
• Trevor Booker – Ambidexterity
• Joe Ingles – Outback Steakhouse Managing
• Jeremy Evans – Weightlifting
• Steve Novak – Weightlifting
• Toure’ Murray – I don’t know. Maybe Welding?
• Ian Clark – Woodcarving (because, why not?)
• Patrick Christopher – Introducing Yourself
• John Lucas III – Scuba Diving…go deeper Lucas!

Oh, and Ty Corbin would be the Scout Master who took them all to scout camp, but forgot the food and tents.

Q: Other than AK’s fictional back bird and Ostertag’s Flinstones ankle, what is the Jazz’s best ever tattoo and why?

@agreenhalgh28

Great question! I would say that Trey Burke’s baby on the shoulder has to be up there. I’m assuming that it’s either his baby or himself as a baby. I asked my mom and she confirmed it is NOT me as a baby, which is good because now I don’t have to worry about my identity being stolen and whatnot.

Deron Williams had some sweet tattoos as well. The “No Guts, No Glory” one was fairly retro of him.

Time for another list. Below is a list of the Jazz roster with the tattoos I would recommend they get:

• Trey Burke – [censored]
• Dante Exum – A dingo eating a baby.
• Joe Ingles – A baby eating a dingo.
• Enes Kanter – “Chick Magnet” in Turkish.
• Rudy Gobert – Hakeem Olajuwon climbing the Eifel Tower.
• Gordon Hayward – A “6” on the back of his left calf and a “3” on the back of the other.
• Derrick Favors – Karl Malone flexing.
• Alec Burks – Harry Houdini in a straight jacket.
• Rodney Hood – Kevin Costner with a mullet.
• Trevor Booker – Kevin Costner flexing.
• Jeremy Evans – The grim reaper on a pogo stick.
• Steve Novak – Just the number “3.”
• Ian Clark – “My name is Ian Clark” tattooed somewhere visible.
• Patrick Christopher – Just a big question mark.
• John Lucas III – A waiter taking someone’s order.

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Thanks for the questions!