There are exactly zero Jazz men in this picture.
It’s time for a special edition of the Jimbo Rudding mailbag. Jimbo is Salt City Hoops’ resident humorist, providing our regular dose of levity by answering the burning questions to which Jazz fans just must have answers. In this edition, he unveils definitely the quirkiest mock draft you’ll see this NBA offseason. You can submit questions to Jimbo at mailbag@saltcityhoops.com or by tweeting to @JimboRudding.
Q: You got an NBA mock draft for this year?
@Steeleman77
Thanks for asking, Steeleman! Here you go:
Futz is looking to be the first housewife and mother ever drafted No. 1 in the NBA draft. Her agility, along with her ability to dribble without looking at the ball will no doubt give her a good chance to succeed in the league. Expect a TON from Marsha next season. Also, she runs a successful LuLaRoe business out of her basement. Follow her on Instagram @MarshaLULUballislife.
Balls is going to be a star in this league and if he turns out to be a bust, then I will eat my shoe. Ball’s got handles and agility and if he grew his hair out a little bit, he would look exactly like the taller Fratelli brother from The Goonies. Some guys are just born with it all, you know?
Jackson is the brother to Jermaine, who is another potential 2017 first-round draft pick. Tito’s first love was music, but after he warped his cello by leaving it out in the rain, he decided to try his hand at basketball. His other hand was good too, so he thought he’d try and play professionally with his whole body. Scouts love his motor and agility.
Fox would be the perfect addition to the Phoenix Suns. His agility, coupled with his love of astronomy, make him a lock here at number four. Fox has been a huge fan of the game ever since his uncle took him to see it in the theater back in 1997. Michael Douglas and Sean Penn have been his favorite actors every since. What a show that was! The ending was CRAZY. I had NO idea what was going on!
O’Neal is a little undersized for a power forward, but his wingspan is incredible. “He’s like a pegasus out there, if pegasuses wings could palm a basketball,” said a man who once watched him play. O’Neal’s agility is what separates him from the rest of the pack. He could be the most agile in this year’s draft.
Abrahaman could be the most agile player in this draft. Even though he played his college ball at Florida, he was actually born in Georgia. In fact, if you ask him, he was born in Southern Carolina. He says it’s the state south of South Carolina. I said, “You mean Georgia?” and he said, “No, I mean Southern Carolina.” It was a VERY confusing conversation. Still, he’s incredibly agile.
One of the unfortunate things about Dennis, besides having to be named “Dennis,” is that he has never used a Q-tip in his life. “Never had a need. I just use my pinky,” he says. Even though Dennis insists that he isn’t afraid the Q-tip will get stuck inside his ear, his teammates aren’t buying it. It’s a constant source of contention around the locker room. His coaches aren’t sure what the big deal is. “After all, they’re just Q-tips,” they say. Even with the whole Q-tip drama, Dennis’ses amazing agility and feel for the game could still be a nice addition to a young Timberwolves team.
Melvin is on the verge of showing the NBA what real agility looks like. He has a crossover that has broken over 43 ankles worldwide. The last ankle he broke was a poor, old Armenian woman who was on her way to English class in Brentwood, California. Melvin apologized profusely, saying he can’t control his ability to break ankles. He explains it like this: “It’s like I have multiple personality disorder and my crossover is one of the personalities. It just happens when it happens and I lose time and before I know it, I wake up and there’s someone lying down holding their broken ankle.” Good news though, the old Armenian woman and Melvin have become very close. They talk almost everyday and the rumor is, wedding bells may be in the not-too-distant future. Congrats, you two!
Frankie has only been in the USA for going on four months now and already he has conquered Halo 1, 2, and 3. He has surprised a lot of NBA scouts with his agility and his ability to defend. Frankie is going to turn some heads in this league, just like he turned heads at the mall the day after he arrived in the states when he wore some EXTREMELY short cutoffs to the mall.
Don’t confuse this Jack Collins with the Jack Collins who played Mike Brady’s boss in The Brady Bunch. That Jack Collins couldn’t even dunk on an eight-foot rim. This Jack Collins CAN dunk on most basketball rims on account of his outstanding agility and very strong leg muscles. This is a VERY safe pick for the Kings here; could even be the safest in the draft.
The Hornets will go with the safe pick here and take Laurie. Her agility is what makes her stand out among the other available picks at this juncture in the draft. Her favorite store at the mall is H&M and………… whoops, just getting word now that Laurie is a man. This could throw a wrench in Charlotte’s draft plans. The Hornets would like to issue an official apology to anyone offended by this pick.
Bernard can really shoot the ball! His shot combined with some of the quickest lateral agility in the draft makes this a perfect fit for the Pistons. Doctors are even saying that Bernard could continue to grow. “His growth plates are very agile for someone his age and size,” said doctor Mayhew, doctor of artistic art at the University of Indainois State.
Ronk has great hands for someone his size. They’re pretty much perfectly proportional to his arms and torso, which makes him a draft target for many teams in the late-lottery range. He averaged 13 paints and 9 boards in college. (He built sets for theater classes.) The Nuggets like his agility most, but say that with his carpentry experience, he has potential to help remodel the locker room someday.
Hranstovelli is probably the most agile European in this year’s draft. He’s from a small Italian city called “Greece.” (It’s on the heel of the boot.) He was born with a third elbow, located in between his hand and his normal elbow, that bends the opposite direction it probably should. You’d think the Heat would be concerned about this, but they say it will make him a better shooter. The problem is, Hranstovelli doesn’t shoot well. In fact, he just learned how to shoot last week. This could be a dangerous pick for Miami.
Patton has been shooting up draft boards on account of his workouts with teams going extremely well. The rumors are that he doesn’t hog the mirrors during workouts and ALWAYS wipes down the equipment after workouts. The Blazers like his agility on the offensive glass and are excited to see if he can influence their team’s workout etiquette for good.
DJ is an agile small forward who hails from a small town in South Dakota. He used to spend his summers as a kid trying to make tourists laugh by climbing Mt. Rushmore and hanging out of George Washington’s nose. When he was 14, a bad fall shattered the lower half of his body and he spent almost three years in a body cast. When the cast was removed, doctors were astounded to find that his muscles hadn’t atrophied at all and his agility had actually increased. Smart pick for the Bulls here.
The Bucks are going to swing for the fences by taking Wham! with this pick. Despite having extreme agility, he doesn’t possess the kind of maturity needed to thrive in the NBA. Sometimes Wham! is known to sit on the floor and fold his arms if he doesn’t get the calls he wants. In one game last year, his assistant coaches had to grab him by the underarms and carry him off the court because he refused to sub out. It’s going to take some work and patience, but Wham! could become a great NBA player in a few years.
Karl is a versatile wing whose agility has been wowing NBA scouts for the last two years. The Pacers could plan to combine Karl’s agility with Paul George’s agility, creating what could be the most agile lineup in the NBA next year. One thing the Pacer’s are concerned about: Karl will sometimes only eat the marshmallows out of his Lucky Charms in the morning. Not the healthiest of breakfast habits, but even still, Karl looks to be ready to contribute on day one.
Jermaine Jackson is not a well-known player in this draft, but he quickly became a household name in Seattle, Washington. His name was known among the households as the kid who knocks on doors asking for Pop Tarts. Apparently, this kid could put away a pallet full of Pop Tarts in a month. There would be months at a time that the local grocery stores would be completely out of the Brown Sugar Cinnamon flavor all because of Jermaine’s small addiction. Strangely enough, Atlanta is where Kellogg’s, the company that makes Pop Tarts, is headquartered. If there is one thing that makes Jermaine stand out (besides the Pop Tart thing), it’s got to be his agility.
Leaf, young cousin to Ryan Leaf, had never even touched a basketball until he was midway through his freshman season at LALA University. His coach thought it would be better for him to use his natural agility on defense and then slowly over time be introduced to the ball. His teammates finally passed him the ball 14 games into the season and TJ has adjusted well. The first time TJ touched it, he got scared, but then after a few minutes be became more excited than scared until finally he got used to it. His comfort with the ball makes him an ideal pick here for the Blazers.
Barrett is a young center on the Thunder radar. Last year, his agility caused him to be a menace in the paint for other big defenders. He has HUGE upside and I’m told the Thunder like him a lot. His only downside would be that he lies a lot while playing Battleship. If you pick coordinates that is a “hit,” he will try to discreetly move his ships without you noticing. It’s something he and his coaches are working on and something he hopes to perfect at the next level.
Files is a strong, agile power forward who made a name for himself last year at the under-18 Burger King USA Baller Kid’s league. After each game, the teams were given coupons for free Whoppers and it was reported that Harrys ate 11 in one sitting while his teammates looked on in horror. The Nets aren’t wild about this, but word is he adds Sriracha to his Whoppers. Even with the Whopper/Sriracha rumors, there is no way Harrys falls further than number 22.
Ferg is a lock here at number 23 to the Raptors. His tenacious agility on the court is really intriguing and my sources tell me that this is his floor. Some of his strengths include his already mentioned agility, shooting, and dribbling. His weaknesses include his inside game, his colorblindness, and the fact that he can’t remember names so he just calls everyone (even women) “Jeremy” (pronounced germ-y).
Rabb Himself is another extremely agile power forward from the great state of California. I’ve been hearing from scouts around the league that Ivan really doesn’t like basketball much. He says he’d rather be alone studying extreme weather occurrences, like tornadoes and stuff. He’s been fascinated with tornadoes ever since he was 12 and was sucked inside one and saw a futon spinning around up there and decided last-minute to wrap himself in the futon cushion, which pretty much saved his life.
The Magic will take Ewans at number 25 here mostly because they are all grossed out by Elfrid Payton’s hair and want a new starting point guard. Ewans is a fairly agile point guard who has a knack for finding the open guy and knowing when it’s the wrong time to ask someone how much they weigh in front of others.
Getting Bronf would be an absolute steal here for the Trailblazers at number 26. I’ve heard 32 GMs say just this week that they’ve never seen a power forward with that much presence and agility. Bronf in tandem with Allen Crabbe will be a force to be reckoned with next year. I, for one, will not be reckoning with them. No sir.
The Nets will have a good opportunity to get a strong, agile center here at the end of the first round. Some scouts say he has a swanagain/swoffagain motor, but what I’ve seen from his highlight videos is a BUNCH of highlights! This dude can flat out play ball. What a get for the Nets here.
Iwanto could potentially have the most upside of anyone at the end of the first round. His agility and decision-making are top-notch. He has a high basketball IQ, even though his normal IQ is not great. I mean, he thought New Jersey was the capitol of New York. I don’t care how good at basketball you are, that’s just crazy…but, he is REALLY good at basketball. At times, his agility can be off the charts.
No matter what pick they have, the Spurs always seem to hit a home run. This year will be no different if they end up taking Hartustein at number 29. If Hartustein goes here, that may complete the most agile roster in the league. The only knock on Hartustein is his attitude. He doesn’t like animals, especially birds, and he is prone to complaining out loud about a restaurant’s ambiance.
Last, and also least (according to 29 picks ahead of him), is Frank Jackson. Frank is a super-agile hometown boy from somewhere kinda near Draper, Utah. He has a sweet crossover and also a 2008 Nissan Quest. Most NBA scouts say he’s the youngest person they know who owns more than one car. His friends make fun of him for owning a mini-van, but he doesn’t care. He likes the way it drives.
Thanks for reading the 2017 Jimbo’s Mailbag Mock Draft, everybody! Remember to tell your dads about Jimbo’s Mailbag. Say you have something important to tell him, look him dead in the eyes, and say, “Jimbo’s Mailbag is the bomb,” and then walk away. He won’t know what that means at first, and he may go check his own mailbox for a bomb, but believe me, he’ll thank you every week for the rest of his life.
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