Jimbo’s Mailbag – A Cow-Tipping Center, Waterbeds and Utah’s Dream Team

Harry How via ESPN

Following an NBA team should be fun, and Jimbo Rudding makes sure it is. Jimbo provides our regular dose of levity here at Salt City Hoops, answering reader questions with his signature blend of creativity, humor and unabashed fandom. You can submit questions to Jimbo at mailbag@saltcityhoops.com or by tweeting to @JimboRudding. Can I get an RT for that?

Q: Love your thought-provoking commentary towards the jazz. Would you ever come on 1280 the Zone as a guest on post game…? Who wins a cow tipping contest out of current Jazz players??

@Brittonhoops

Thanks Britton! I’m a big fan, my man! I would totally be willing to come on the show, as long as you’re willing to listen to my stories about how long I’ve been a Jazz fan, how many playoff games I’ve attended, and how many Jazz jerseys I own. Oh, and I’d also like to tell your listeners about how one time I thought I saw Hot Rod Hundley at Kmart, but it ended up being Dick Nourse. The worst part is, I figured out that it WASN’T Hot Rod in my car after I left Kmart. I was totally embarrassed. I patted Dick on the back and asked for his autograph. I asked if he thought this was the Jazz’es’s year. I nervously called him “Rowdy Roddy Hundley.” To his credit, Dick Nourse never corrected me. He just smiled while I unknowingly continued to make a fool of myself. To make matters worse, this all happened smack-dab in the middle of the unmentionables department. Ugh, I’m such a nincompoop.

And now for your second question: cow tipping should be America’s national pastime. I mean, baseball is cool and all, but nothing beats people trying and tip cows over at night. So, with that, I hereby declare Derrick Favors most likely to win the Utah Jazz player cow-tipping contest. I just feel like you need to have lot of lower-body strength to tip those beasts over and I think Derrick is enough of a beast to win that contest. Last year his legs weren’t as beastly as this year, but now that his legs have healed up, he is way more beastly. BEAST!

Q: Why is it so hard to be a Jazz fan?

@MJpushedoff

MJ, I hear ya. I’ve asked myself this same question so many times. In the late 80s I’d ask myself this question while pegging my jeans every time Mark Eaton’s back went out. In the 90s I’d ask myself this question while wearing one-strap overalls every time the Jazz lost in the playoffs and the season was over. In the 2000s I’d ask myself this question while frosting my tips whenever we signed a giant white guy named Bert Brogheimer to play center. Nowadays I ask myself this question while spinning my fidget spinner whenever the Jazz lose to teams they shouldn’t lose to or when a player goes down awkwardly and needs help off the court. Circle of life.

So, after years of thinking about this, here’s my list of six reasons why it’s so hard to be a Jazz fan:

1. Small market – As much as we wish it wasn’t so, nobody really cares about Utah except Utahns and people who love the outdoors. Surprisingly, that really isn’t a lot of people. The older, nature-loving generation is slowly dying off and our youths don’t appreciate nature, unless it’s of a digital… nature. That’s our market though; it’s small. Plus, we have small supermarkets.
2. Culture – It’s a well-known fact that Utah is home to some very conservative, family-friendly people. We don’t have a lot of disco clubs, drive-ins, and pool halls that young adults are crazy about these days. Utah DOES have some good cupcake places, but sadly, star basketball players don’t care much about those anymore. 
3. Superstars – We don’t currently have a tier 1 level superstar. Rudy Gobert and Donovan Mitchell were both Jazz draftees and are both well on their way to becoming superstars, but we don’t have that one guy who is so good that he causes 10-year-old kids in Nowheresville, Kansas to go buy a Jazz jersey and claim to have been a Jazz fan their whole life.
4. Witches – Not many know this, but there are witches living in the Utah mountains. They have used their black magic for the last two decades to curse Jazz players with fragile bodies. I don’t know why they choose to do this. If any witches are reading this mailbag, STOP CURSING THE JAZZ!
5. Lost my ball – Back in the late 90’s, I had a mini Jazz basketball that I would hold and squeeze during games. Whenever I held the ball a certain way, the Jazz would play well. My stupid sister backed over it in our driveway on her way to school one day and it never worked right after that. However, when I’d squeeze it during school dances, it proved to be VERY lucky. 
6. Shots – When it comes down to it, the Jazz just have to make more shots. The more shots they make, the better chance they have of winning. If the ball goes through the hoop, that’s one, two or three points, depending on the circumstances. The Jazz just need more of those shots to go in so that it equals more Jazz points!

Q: Thoughts on whether or not Booner sleeps on a waterbed?

@dmcdoucherton

Great question! The chances that Jazz broadcaster Ron “Booner” Boone owns and sleeps on a waterbed are 100 percent. The reason I know for sure is because I’ve done a little research (I peeked through his windows). A couple other things I’ve learned from my “research:”

• He owns two doberman pinschers named “Kayden” and “Hayden.”
• He doesn’t eat nearly as much fiber as he’s always telling people he eats.
• He owns at least 12 different robes.
• He listens to a TON of All-4-One.
• He often does the Risky Business slide while fixing his breakfast, except he’s always fully clothed when he does it.
• He hates Miracle Whip.
• When psyching himself up in front of mirrors, he calls himself, “Boonesy.”
• He’s all caught up on Grey’s Anatomy.

Q: Have you heard any rumblings about when the Jazz will get a streaming service? Can you ask Gail?

@the_BrianB

Sorry Brian, I can’t help you with this one. I’m too old school. I watch all the Jazz games live. In fact, I sometimes make the neighbor kid get up on the roof and hold the TV antenna in a certain position until I can tell the score and which team has the ball. Don’t worry, if the weather’s bad I’ll throw a blanket up there and maybe a few fruit snacks. 

I’m not even positive I know what “streaming” is. Does it have something to do with the streams you get on your TV when the neighbor kid points the antenna too low? I don’t know, I guess I should’ve finished art school.

Anyway, like I said, I’m not keen of the technology of today. I just barely got a Super Nintendo because my Atari finally bit the dust. I don’t even have a computer. I type this on a typewriter and then send it to a secret P.O box for publishing to the inter-clouds. That neighbor kid is doing a report on Alaska. Can you believe it’s a STATE now?! Incredible!

Q: I have some things that I have been struggling with and I am wondering if you could direct me to a good place to find inspiration? Please help, I promise I will love you forever and never lie to three teams ever in my life.

@shando30

As long as you promise not to lie to any teams, well then brother, you came to the right place! Come sit on Jimbo’s lap a spell and tell me all about it. There there, young fella.

You can do it, Shando! Don’t let ordinary people stop you from being extraordinary. The truth is, we’re all just walking bags of bones and guts pretending to have it all together. Everyone is scared out of their minds. Everyone assumes they are a fraud and they’re just somehow fooling everyone. Well, you go out there and pretend harder than they do! You take your own bag of bones and guts and you make something of yourself! You can do it. I believe in you!

Q: What are your thoughts on Derek Fisher and his contract situations?

@DWadeForReal

Derek who?

Q: If you could organize a dream team of Utahns to impress LeBron (James) and get him to sign with the Jazz, whom would you choose and why?

@cdsampsondds

OK, here it goes:

• Dell Schanze
• Colonel Sanders
• The old guy with diabetes
• Robert Redford
• Ryan Reynolds (he once used the bathroom at a rest stop in Tooele and so he counts as a Utahn)
• The Hough dancers
• Hairy Manilow (that’s my dog)
• Roseanne
• Jewel
• Ray LaMontaguengeaguegewgue
• My neighbor Jeff because he’s good at diagnosing what is wrong with almost any type of lawnmower.
• Dick Nourse
• Me

Thanks for submitting questions, you guys. Remember to tell the supermarket checkout girl about Jimbo’s Mailbag. Tell her while making it rain with your coupons. Make it weird.