Jimbo’s Mailbag – Adam Keefe’s Jersey, Mark Jackson’s Mind, and Dick Bavetta

(Photo by Stephen Dunn/Getty Images)

Welcome to the next edition of Jimbo’s Mailbag! At Salt City Hoops, we know that covering a losing team without any humor can be dreary. As such, we decided to add a little bit more levity to our site; essentially none of what follows is true. Interested in submitting a question to Jimbo’s mailbag? Email it to Jimbo at mailbag@saltcityhoops.com to appear. 

Q:  What if Mark Jackson gets to the pearly gate and Jesus is with John Stockton and says “Thou shalt not steal didn’t apply to basketballs?”

– @Velociraptees

Ah, Mark Jackson. Where do I even begin? Ah yes, how about the end of his career…when he wasn’t good…and he played for the Jazz.

I don’t know exactly what was going through his head during the 02-03 season when he tried to turn the locker room against John Stockton. Maybe it was something like this:

“Man, I HATE John Stockton. Look at him with his gorgeous legs and his totally in-shape body. What a geek with all those thousands of assists more than I have and all those steals. Such a nerd to never have been traded. At least I’ve been traded seven times, just proves that seven teams wanted my services. I wonder if the chick who played Wonder Woman is single. Don’t matter, cause once she sees me at the club, she’ll be like, “Dang, are you Billy Dee Williams?” And I’ll be like, “NO, I’m Mark Jackson, baby.” Then she’ll be all, “The one who played the bass?” Then I’ll be like, “What? NO! I wasn’t in the Jackson 5. I play basketball.” Then I’ll get angry and storm out to find a WAY better looking woman to cozy up with. John Stockton only cozies up with his wife. Pfffft! He could never date the Wonder Woman whats-her-name. Even if he DID date her I would step in and be like, “C’mon Wonder Woman, ditch the zero and get with the hero.” Ha ha, I just made that up on the spot! She’s gonna love that. Ha ha…hero and zero rhyme PERFECTLY! Then there’s John Stockton. NOTHING rhymes with John Stockton. I mean, maybe Don Prockton, but his strip club went out of business years ago, so that doesn’t even count. You know who else can’t count? The NBA guys in charge of stats. All Stockton has to do is use the bathroom and they give him 11 assists. If he eats Taco Bell beforehand, then they give him a whole bunch of tiny assists. Ah man, that’s gross. C’mon MJ, get your head in the game!”

Q:  If it was your choice, which current, former, and future Jazz man would you take on a private outing to watch “Frozen” and why?

– Mikey Peterson @Mikeyvp

Oh man, Frozen is my favorite movie of all time! I’ve almost finished making my Sven costume for Halloween this year.

Current Player – Derrick Favors

Watching Frozen with Derrick Favors would be great because he wouldn’t try to talk to me or look at his phone during the movie. He wouldn’t sing along to the songs and would be totally cool about sharing his popcorn and wouldn’t get all grossed out when I used his straw either.

Former Player – Gordan Giricek

The ONLY reason I would want to watch this movie with him is because I have a feeling he would let me run my fingers through his hair without things getting too “weird”. I’ve always wanted to do that.

Future Player – Gordan Giricek II

This would probably be a few years down the road, but it would be fun to chat before the movie started and say things like, “Wow, I remember years ago when your father and I watched this movie together. He let me run my fingers through his hair and it didn’t even get weird.”

Q:  Where can one get his/her hands on an Adam Keefe jersey for this upcoming season?

– Travis Bruerton @TravisBruerton

My Uncle Rob has a bunch of jerseys for sale right now. He doesn’t have any Adam Keefe jerseys, but he gave me the Spencer Nelson Summer League one that I’m wearing as I write this. Here is a list of the jerseys he currently has for sale as well as the condition they are in:

• Greg Ostertag – This has a contact lens stuck in it somewhere. We haven’t been able to find it, but you can sometimes feel it when you’re wearing it.
• Jim Les – This one is in great condition. Hardly ever worn. Smells like Old Spice.
• Robert Whaley – It has shards of broken glass stuck in it and smells like marijuana and anger.
• Keon Clark – Also has a marijuana smell to it.
• Raja Bell – This is a game-worn jersey. It’s from that one game where he missed all those shots.
• Luther Wright – This one smells like a dumpster fire.
• John Lucas III – This one, ironically, also smells like a dumpster fire.
• Carlos Boozer – This isn’t in great condition. It has TONS of black paint or something on it.
• Ronnie Brewer – The right side where the arm would go is a little lower than the left side. This is most-likely from his broken arm which he suffered in a water park accident as a kid.
• DeMarre Carroll – If you purchase this jersey, my uncle says he will throw in a few pieces of DeMarre’s dreads absolutely free!
• Morris Almond – If you hold this jersey up to your ear you can hear the faint sound of disappointment.
• Matt Harpring – This is a two for one type of deal. If you buy this jersey, then you also get Matt’s high school football jersey as well.
• Jason Hart, Brevin Knight, Keith McLeod, Milt Pilacio – These ones are free. They’re out on his lawn. First come, first served.
• Al Jefferson – As is. It’s been two years since he got this one and for some reason it’s still soaked. It will NOT dry out.
• Andrei Kirilenko – This one is EXPENSIVE. Seriously, if you’re planning on buying more than one jersey, you won’t be able to afford anymore after purchasing this one. (It’s not Andrei’s fault though.)
• Kosta Koufos – This one runs pretty cheap. Mostly because, no matter what he does, my uncle can’t seem to get all the back hair out of this one.
• Raul Lopez – This one is fraying towards the bottom-left part of the jersey.
• Pace Mannion – This one has TONS of hair gel smeared on the front. I’m serious. There’s a lot.
• Wesley Matthews – Actually, no, he doesn’t have this one anymore. It’s actually a sad story because it was his favorite jersey, but he leant it to a friend and never saw it again. Biggest regret of his jersey life.
• Kirk Snyder – Funny story about this one. My uncle said his neighbor just found this jersey inside of his house late one night.

Q:  Is a Jazz season without Andris Biedrins or his hair worth living through?

– Jake @CowhideGlobe

He’s still in town. Here’s a list of places I’ve seen him:

1. At the Provo Fanzz telling people about the special they’re having this month on Jazz hats.
2. At Classic Skating by himself skating backwards to Tom Petty’s “You Don’t Know How It Feels.”
3. At Lagoon jumping up and swatting at the legs of all the people on the sky ride.
4. At the Chili’s in Sandy. (He got belligerent when they told him they didn’t serve goat milk.)
5. At Hogle Zoo. He somehow got into the penguin exhibit and was just sitting there eating fish from a pail and looking VERY sad.
6. Last week I saw him a block away from a Great Harvest Bakery putting on a hat and fake mustache with a stack of free bread slices in his backpack.

He’s a good dude and I wish him the best as he figures out this new stage in his life.

Q:  How can the average fan better understand how wrong Dick Bavetta was?

– @BardenPembleton

All you need to know is he became so old and frail that he just couldn’t competently referee NBA games anymore. That was in 1995. In the 1998 NBA Finals his glaucoma caused him to not be able to see the shot clock very well and then there was the sudden onslaught of muscle spasms where his arms started flailing around, waving off shots that were good and counting shots that were hoisted up after the shot clock buzzer sounded. It was like Weekend at Bernie’s 3: Bernie Refs the Finals out there.

Then a few years later, out of the blue he started making out with Charles Barkley and then got in a fight with Tim Duncan. Or, was that his brother? I don’t know. Anyway, the point is, he was a good man and he will be missed. RIP Dick Bavetta.

Q: If you went to a sandwich shop and ordered a Jimbo Slice, what would the restaurateur serve you?

– Angie Treasure @snark_tank

Sour-joke bread. Irony sauce. Turdkey and cheese with a small sprinkling of minutiae.

—

Thanks for the questions everyone!