Jimbo’s Mailbag: An Award for Snyder, Plus DWill and LeBron to Utah

“Psst, I’m getting a Jimbo.” (Streeter Lecka via ESPN)

Jimbo Rudding provides our regular dose of levity here at Salt City Hoops, and he does it by answering the burning questions to which Jazz fans just must have answers. You can submit questions to Jimbo at mailbag@saltcityhoops.com or by tweeting to @JimboRudding.

Q: We need a Jimbo Award of the game. After every game you can tweet out, “and the Jimbo goes to…” Who could be the first recipient?

@BardenPembleton

That’s a great idea! I think the first award should go to YOU for thinking of this. However, I know that you are much too humble a man to accept this award, so I’ll pick a member of the team.

The first recipient of the Jimbo award this year goes to Quin Snyder. How that guy keeps calm and cool with all these injuries, I’ll never know. Since he became the Jazz’s coach, he has had a healthy team for exactly three and a half games. THREE AND A HALF GAMES! Can you believe that?!?! Well, don’t believe it because it’s just a wild guess. Absolutely no research went into that statement at all. It feels right though, doesn’t it?¹

It’s almost laughable at this point though. I mean it. I laugh and laugh non-stop. Dante Exum went down with a major shoulder surgery—I laughed. Rudy Gobert goes down with a sprained knee again—I laughed again. Thabo Sefolosha out for the season—ha ha! Rayl Neto has a concussion for a month—LOL! Rodney Hood tears his achilles tendon, but later turns out it’s just a bruised calf—LOLOLOL!

It just gets funnier and funnier, right? Laughter really IS the best medicine. Psychologically, I mean.

Q: What special edition flavor of Jello salad would be the key to lure LeBron James to Utah?

@spaffoo

How about some Jello with carrot slices and crumpled leaves?

For those of you counting along at home, this is my second major effort to persuade LeBron to sign with the Utah Jazz. The first one, in 2010, didn’t go as well as I had hoped, but what am I supposed to do? Give up? I could NEVER do that! This franchise needs me. The fans need me. Sure it seems like a waste of time, but what else am I going to do with my time? Play my accordion for money in front of Costcos?  Pffft… been there, done that, arrested again.

Maybe I SHOULD give up? There is absolutely NO WAY LeBron signs with the Utah Jazz. But, what if he got distracted and ACCIDENTALLY signed with the Jazz? Like, what if right before he signs with the Lakers or Rockets, someone creates a diversion by doing a very loud, but VERY good Aaron Neville impersonation and another guy slips the Jazz’ses contract in there?

Or what if he agreed to sign with the Jazz if, and ONLY if, every Utahn agreed to make a concerted effort to get in better shape? Maybe we could all take turns having he and his family over for Sunday dinners? Or we could tell him that all his kids are allowed to come and jump on our trampolines anytime they want?

Wait… What am I saying??? LeBron doesn’t care about those things! All he cares about is winning, being in the right situation for him and his family, and good fly fishing… which Utah is sort of known for. So, someone needs to get his contact information and tell him about our fly fishing! That’s going to be what does it!

Now that we know for sure LeBron will sign with the Jazz, the question is—where is he going to live? He strikes me as an Avenues sort of guy. But maybe Park City would be a suitable location? Also, he probably is going to want to fill his car up with gasoline that has Techron and Utah DOES have Techron now, so that should be considered before we decide for sure where he’ll live… I mean, before HE decides where he’ll live.

Anyway, the point is—I’ll keep doing my part in all of this. Hopefully, it will be enough.

Q: What is Donyell Marshall up to these days and more importantly, what designs are his braids currently in?

@kelibark

Good question! Donyell is currently the head coach for Central Connecticut and his braids are in the shape of a kitten chasing a hummingbird, which is a hecka cute design.

Donyell was an admirable role player for the Jazz and he excelled at certain aspects of the game, but believe it or not, his real passion is calligraphy. He has a calligraphy shed in his backyard and spends hours back there making cards and signs for his friends and family. He has a collection of over 580 pens and 42 difference weights of paper. His wife actually met him at a calligraphers conference back in the late 80’s. They both reached for the same gel pen and that was all she wrote…beautifully.

Donyell has trained his body to be ambidextrous, which means he can do calligraphy with both his right and left hands. Sometimes he does calligraphy so much during the day that his hands cramp up and his wife has to spoon-feed him his dinners.

He was recently a guest speaker at the Central Connecticut commencement ceremony and one of the things he said was, “Calligraphy isn’t just fancy words on a piece of paper. Calligraphy is a world of color and magic; a world where imagination breeds opportunity. Come, my friends, for we are all standing at the threshold of this world and we but need to advance to create.”

He also later said, “I like doing squiggly Es. They’re my favorite.”

Man, I miss that guy!

Q: How may high level League of Legends accounts would need to be donated for Gordon Hayward to call Gail Miller? If Andrei Kirilenko’s prime and Hayward’s were at the same time, would they have spent more time together playing basketball or video games?

@rslfan4life

I’m going to address your first question first. Using the context of your question, I’m guessing League of Legends is some sort of video game? I apologize for being an out-of-touch old man. It’s not that I hate modern technology, it’s just that I can’t spend time worrying about dragons and spells when the outlet in the garage still won’t work anymore even after I bang the middle of it with a hammer.

If AK (in his prime) and Hayward (with a healthy foot pointing the right way) were both on this Jazz team, they’d probably be pretty good. Sure, they’d spend hours together talking about stardust and magic satchels and whatnot, but they’d also be blocking shots, making threes, and getting dunks. In this glorious, make-believe world, the Utah Jazz are NBA champions and no one needs to call Gail.

Q: Who is the most famous person to RT you?

@Chief_Baconator

This is a question I get every so often. I haven’t been RT’d by anyone recently, but I also haven’t tried all that much. Twitter is a little different now than in my RT heyday.

A few of the memorable ones were JJ Redick, Trevor Ariza, Mike Conley and Shawn Marion. But perhaps my greatest achievement was getting Jimmer Fredette to follow me. It only took three years of hard work and dumb jokes and he finally succumbed (which is also exactly how I got my wife to marry me). I’m convinced he followed me and then muted me, but hey, you can’t win ‘em all, right? Now if you’ll excuse me, I going to go cry in my car for a bit.

Q: When will Torry Ellis come home to play?

@yolotrav

Hmmm, by “Torry Ellis” you mean Deron Williams, right? I could never remember if Torry was Deron’s or Robert Whaley’s fake name they gave the Park City cops after an altercation in a bar. Hold on… OK, I just looked it up. It WAS Deron, so that makes it easier to answer this question.

If you were to ask me before the season started, I would’ve said no way the Jazz do this. He didn’t leave on great terms and the fans are still bitter about his blow ups with Jerry Sloan. Deron’s attitude was iffy at best and we wouldn’t want that rubbing off on Donovan Mitchell or Rudy. The locker room chemistry seems to be pleasant, so maybe the smart thing is to not mess that up?

However, the Jazz have so many injuries right now and so many unknowns with the trade deadline coming up, I guess I could see them giving Deron a call and seeing if he wants a farewell contract. I mean, maybe they could have him come off the bench and take Burks’es’s minutes? Or even have him take Hood’s minutes on nights when Rodney’s clanking threes and smacking phones? If the plan is to tank the rest of the season, there’s probably no harm in bringing him in and letting him finish his career.

In all seriousness, there’s no way the Jazz waste their time and money on Deron right now. It’s just not worth it.

In less seriousness, they definitely SHOULD retire his number and put up a statue in the middle of the parking lot of Deron signing autographs for fans with a scowl on his face.

Q: What would it take to get Hood to come play for our city league team?

@nickwh23

Maybe just a promise that we’re good guys who are willing passers. Plus, we have some pretty sweet black and yellow reversible jerseys. I mean, they’re not “fire” jerseys, but they ARE reversible, so…

Q: Remember when Olden Polynice impersonated a cop?

@UtahJazzFan04

Do I??? Actually, no I don’t… J/K yes I do!

Olden was a pretty good player for the few years he was here. He worked hard and was a big guy, but somewhere along the way something in his head just snapped and he decided he was a cop and he needed to arrest people and start fires. It happens to the best of us.

Eventually it got worse and on off days he started wearing a nightstick tucked into the belt loops on his jeans. One time he even tried wearing a utility belt with mace and a walkie talkie and the whole works during a road game in Seattle. I mean, some things you can just let go, but wearing a utility belt during a game could really rough guys up.

I don’t know if it was the pressure of the NBA that got to him or what, but I AM thankful he was able to single-handedly clean up Utah streets while he was here. Seriously, from 1999 to 2002 there wasn’t so much as a single petty theft incident reported in the Salt Lake valley. Incredible! Now THAT’S what I call “workin’ it.” Olden just doesn’t get the credit he should for all that.

Thanks for submitting questions, you guys. Remember to tell your Valentines about Jimbo’s mailbag. Tell them while furiously caressing their cheeks (face). Make it weird.